whatever is going through my mind

random thoughts without much analysis.

guy at concert told me "You're adorable"

still can't process the b run in from Saturday. After which, he apparently ran out and traded in his Honda Accord for a Honda truck of some sort. D & Kiren told me about it. I actually drove by today and looked at it.

i don't think i'm very happy with the way things are going at work.

nary a trick or treater tonight. and I knew that was a distinct possibility, and i still bought 3 bags of candy.

tired, tired, tired. still can't sleep. my unquiet mind keeps rambling along, trying to make decisions and put things right.

this weekend was mostly good days, but there was some definite weird and confusion.
I don't think the confusion ends easily.

too tired to stay up for viva blackpool.

watching so much BBC America that i'm surprised people don't have manchester or blackpool or irish or scots accents when they are talking.

Possible topics - discuss...

things I need to post about:
last Friday's impromptu party invite
Friday night's art opening
Saturday's bizarre b run-in at Starbucks (he pulled up a chair!)
Saturday night's Halloween party invite... and last-minute costume... and party adventures
Today's day off of work and Voodoo Music (heading out soon)

silent world

Another day of not talking to anyone since before my nap... So, since approximately 2:30 ish, I've only heard my TV and the sound of myself laughing out loud or talking to myself.
I'm still suffering through my weird cold thing - it's all post-nasal drip and sore throat and malaise. I'm not really congested, but I'm not really hungry either. So, I'm consuming a lot of fluids (tea, gatorade, water) and soups. (thanks to D & Kiren for bringing me sick person supplies yesterday evening.) Tonight, I made myself a cup of homemade cocoa. I burnt my tongue, but I enjoyed the mug.
the silence and time to myself leads me to think, and think, and think. The insomnia that I've had recently (from the brain-in-overdrive and the fluishness) has only fueled the thinking... and the weird dreams disturb me, and challenge me in the waking hours to figure out what they mean. A lot of them are about B, which is a "no duh!" thing, but they are more about me and my responses to my situation.
heck, I don't know. I'm not really clear right now.
there are about 2 or 3 different things I have had knocking about in my head to write - six degrees of me, me and love and B, and others - but I haven't been able to bring myself to write them.
Right now, I feel like this blog is just me talking to myself, in writing. And while that's therapeutic, it also helps to know that people are out there "listening to" (reading) what I have to say. But, then, that's my neediness and need to be a part of things manifesting itself there.

long live VH1 - both the regular and the classic. I heart the 80's 3D is on this week, so I've been watching that... and right now, Classic is running The Alternative, and I've seen Flock of Seagulls ( I think it was space age love song), a Husker Du song, Dramarama's Anything, Anything, and right now, slightly annoying me, is L7's Pretend that we're dead.
OOOOHHH! It's Black Flag, featuring what looks to be a 15-year-old Henry Rollins, in the video for TV Party. A black and white TV, a fridge full of generic beers and the king of beers, mentions in the lyrics of That's Incredible, Hill Street Blues, Dallas, Dynasty. It's an early punk group getting drunk in a really crappy quality video, with deplorable lip-synching, throwing beers at each other. classic early music video!

call and response

so, I neglected to mention this in the previous post, as it wasn't really related to the topic...
B called me today. Actually, the phone ringing woke me from my nap (at 4 pm), in the middle of an (as usual) weird dream. I checked the Caller ID, saw that it said "B home" and let it roll to voicemail.
When I checked it, it was a very vague message, identifying himself, asking me to call him on his cel, and giving me the phone number - as if 3 years of having it memorized have been erased in one month.
I haven't called him back. I don't think I want to. I'm just starting to enjoy my own company again, and to not associate everything (going to the grocery, target, watching TV) with him. I've started to be able to say (and think) "ex-boyfriend" and to not think "we this" and "we that" and "b likes this". I'm starting to think of being with him as being in the past.
It's only been a month, as of today, since the last time I saw and talked to him. He's emailed me once in the interim, to tell me a story of computer monitors, but I didn't email him back.
I know from friends he is okay. I'm sure he knows from friends that I am okay.
And I have had to fight the urge to drive by and check his house and make sure he is okay. Last week, a co-worker who lives nearby asked me for a ride to work, and I had to pass B's home on the way to pick him up. I found myself craning my head toward his driveway as I drove past, but his elderly neighbor's car blocked my view.
I think that if he was calling about our friends, if something had happened, someone else would have phoned. I think he left a vague message to entice me to call.
But I can't do it. I can't give in. It's not a matter of loving him, or not loving him. I did and do love him. But I'm having to love myself and my progress, and not call him. And I'm not sacrificing my happiness by sticking to my principles. I'm trying to keep my happiness, and not slide back to the old situation.
This is SO difficult. I don't want to seem like a bitch who is uninterested in him. But I need to do what is best for me, and I think that is continuing to stay out of touch.
Please tell me I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm not being callous or cruel to someone who once (and possibly still does) loved me.

things that remind you of something else

Today, while I was working at my computer at home (for work-related stuff), I turned on the TV to have something on in the background... and stopped on WE, the women's network. It's in my "favorites" because I've become addicted to a programme called "McLeod's Daughters", which is an Australian weekly nighttime soap. It's wonderful.
Anyway, I stopped on WE, and stayed for "A Bunny's Tale", which is, well... Here's the description from WE's website:

A BUNNY'S TALE
1985
Journalist Kirstie Alley dons bunny ears for an undercover expose on waitressing at the once-popular Playboy Clubs. As she gets the scoop for her article and learns what it takes to be a bunny, including the right way to pour drinks (the bosom-revealing "Bunny Dip"), Alley concludes that life as a sex object is an utterly demeaning experience. Based on the real-life experiences of feminist Gloria Steinem, this 1985 drama implies that Steinem's activism in the 1960s and 1970s was, in large part, shaped by her stint as a bunny.

It's a wonderful 1980's TV movie, starring all those 1980's TV stars you remember, even if you can't place their name. Delta Burke, Joanna Kerns, pre-fame Lela Rochon, and the long-dark-haired girl from "Too Close to Comfort" (her name is Deborah Van Valkenburgh). Pretty good story, and pretty realistic to the time period - keeping in mind it's starring Kirstie Alley as GLORIA STEINEM.

Anyway, as I was watching it (and I did stay for the whole 2 hours), it reminded me of the summer trip B and I took. We went to NEPA to attend a friend's wedding, visit his family, and vacation a bit too. Being me, I packed the agenda with all sorts of touristy things (it's simply in my nature to over-plan and over-organize). While we were there, we stayed at his father's house, with his father (B Sr) shares with his girlfriend (L) and her sons. One day, while chatting about this and that, L revealed that she had spent a summer working at a Playboy Club, as a Bunny. She talked of the clothes, the hairstyle and weight requirements, the shoes, et cetera. She was apparently quite a babe and a looker in her day, and enjoyed the summer job, though her parents were a little more wary. If I remember correctly, she was saving up, and that job helped her to do that. When she was done telling us the story, she asked B and I to please not mention this to her sons, as they didn't know about this part of her past.
It was such a bizarre moment, B's not-quite-stepmother revealing this odd little bit of her past to us. And, she's probably the only person I've met that worked at one of those clubs, which was a total and unique part of the bizarre past of America.

I'd have to say it was a good day...

Yesterday. Saturday. Wonderful day.
Started early. I was out of bed at 6:30 am, as I had made arrangements with D & Kiren to be picked up at 7:00-7:15 am. We planned to carpool to the Race for the Cure in Germantown. So, I got up with the alarm, tended to my morning ablutions, took my allergy medication, and had some juice. Kiren called around 7, said they were running a little late, and would be by to pick me up soon. They picked me up around 7:30, and we headed east. We stopped at Starbucks and caffeinated, and, with a little effort, found the shuttle bus location, where we waited for about 10 minutes.
We got to the "Lifestyle center" the event was based at, walked around and got a few freebies (most importantly, the cotton version of the ford-Lilly Pulitzer scarf), and waited to meet up with Tonya & Rob-Bob and Tonya's kids. I hadn't seen the girls in at least a year, and they were fun as always. It started to warm up nicely when we got walking around 9 am. (it had started out a bit chilly in the morning, but we had all dressed in layers.) Tonya's girls both wanted to hold Miss Jessica's hand, and I spent most of the walk minding one or the other, giving T some grown-up time. Then the girls discovered the novelty of Miss Kiren and Mister D, and had even more fun. We walked the 1 k "Family Fun Walk", so it was a short, not very taxing walk. Probably the most physically demanding part was when I gave her younger daughter (4 years old, 40 lbs) a piggy back ride for the last portion of the walk. Though, it wasn't as hard on me as it was on Mister D - T's older daughter asked him for a back ride, and she's 6 and weighs over 60 lbs. The walk was fun, the time spent with Tonya & Rob-Bob and the girls was fun, and I'm glad we all signed up and did it.
After the walk, the stores at the center were open for business. D, Kiren & I walked around Williams-Sonoma, taking in the wonderful aroma of that store. Everything, as always, was ridiculously priced, but that's part of the fun, really. And I got a latte made in the store, from my dream cappuccino machine, priced at the not-really-affordable-for-anyone price of $3200 (not including tax). But, man, is it a beautiful machine - a milk thermos, water reservoir, coffee grinder, everything completely automated. It would be the office coffee machine of my dreams. D&Z would LOVE it. :)
Anyway, we came out of the store, and met back up with T & Co... who, citing child peakedness, bowed out of hanging any more. We continued to shop our back to the shuttle stop, and had a great time at The Gap. Kiren and I both bought the same jacket (same color, same size, even), vowing to make sure we didn't wear it to the same social occasions. After some worry, we caught the last shuttle bus back to the car, and a nice conversation with a male cheerleading coach (our ages, roughly, and kinda cute - and we discerned he wasn't married. didn't swap numbers, but I did convince him to listen to the radio show).
As we were driving back down Poplar, we spotted the spice store that we always want to go to, but is never open when we are out there. It's called Penzey's Spices, and it's a fragrant, affordable, cook's heaven. I bought two small jars - ground mustard and turmeric. Kiren & D bought a bunch of stuff, and Kiren will probably return after she's gone through the recipes at home, and sees what else the cupboards are missing.
Down the way from Penzey's was a creperie & cafe, called Le Creperie. We stopped and had lunch there, even though we had been grazing our way through the day. I LOVE crepes, and haven't made them in an awful long time (I lack the proper 7" saucepan, though I had a fantastic recipe that I made quite often when I was younger). D & Kiren had some brunchy-style crepes, and I had a simple jack cheese savory crepe and an apricot jam coated dessert style crepe. We sat for a little while, then headed back out to do more driving and errands.
We still had our workout clothes on, me wearing my tight stretchy 'yoga' pants that I normally wear for Pilates. Sadly, I don't have ANY other workout clothes (not even sweats), so that was my choice of attire. Thank god the event shirt was long enough to cover my bum, so I wasn't showing the world the lumpy mis-shapen bits. :)
D & Kiren wanted to check out a park as a possible wedding site, and asked if I minded tagging along. Off we went to the local nature center, whose facilities were lacking what the engaged couple desired. There was a quite funny moment when the employee said the indoors could be used in inclement weather, though the taxidermy exhibit couldn't be moved. The taxidermy included a buffalo, beaver, bobcat, and other dead, stuffed, local animals. We imagined people doing vows with a threatening-looking cat staring them down. We quietly giggled, and headed on to the next stop, an Indian restaurant, to find out if they did catering for the wedding reception.
We then headed back towards Cordova, to a furniture store which was featuring a super-bankruptcy-going-out-of-business-everything-must-go sale (which seem to be de rigeur around here). D was interested in finding some specific pieces, none of which pleased him at this store. Kiren and I did get to use the facilities, and we got to giggle at the ridiculous art one always finds at furniture stores.
At this point, we were exhausted, and we headed back to the other side of memphis, so they could drop me home. Kiren finally got to see my little apartment (I have her the 5 cent tour; D had been inside at a party I held there a LONG time ago). They headed home, and I headed down for a nap.
I was woken at around 5-ish, when G called to see if I was still planning to go to the Grizzlies game. I bowed out, as I was still groggy and exhausted. I actually had a nice night in, enjoying my own company, and watched movies (Dodgeball from Netflix) and TV by myself. Convinced myself to not order food out, and went to bed by midnight. Like I said, good company, good friends, good cause, a little shopping, good food, good weather, et cetera, et cetera. It was a good day.

why I still enjoy my part-time retail job:

customers.
that is, other human beings with ideas and thoughts and interests. people to have good conversations with. I am working at Midtown Books today, and I just had a few great chats with random people.
A very nice guy came in to trade in a book, and purchase another against his credit, and as he was checking out, starting asking about certain authors. This led to a chat about authors I've tried to read. Said customer was buying a Dave Eggers book, "You Shall Know Our Velocity", and I commented that I had tried, more than once, to read Dave Eggers' first book, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I could just never bring myself to read it. It's like Dave Eggers, and Augusten Burroughs (Running With Scissors, Dry), and James Frey (A Million Little Pieces, the new Oprah book! about drug addiction), and Haven Kimmel - all these McSweeney's writers that I think should read, because they are supposedly cool, and all the other kids are reading them. But i just can't. I mean, i LOVE David Sedaris, and amazon recommends these authors if you like David Sedaris and David Rakoff and Sarah Vowell. I've had a first edition hardcover of A Million Little Pieces since it first came out, and I don't think I've even cracked the spine.
So, from books, we moved onto music, and got to talking about music in memphis, local radio, local musicians, etc. We probably talked for about 20 minutes, and it was really enjoyable. We debated Kate Bush, Tori Amos, Alanis, Cowboy Mouth, Bjork, and tons others. I found out, by his musical tastes, that he was a bit younger than I. And, I'm not making any big assumptions here, but I'm pretty sure he was gay. Making the conversation easier, as I wasn't trying to flirt, or worried about how I looked or sounded. I was chatting away about interesting things to an interesting person.
As we were wrapping up the conversation, this other guy comes up to buy a book. While i'm making his change, he jots his name into our mailing list, and it's a local musician who I had just been talking to Z about at work. Cory Branan. Cory is talented musician, who I saw play a gig 3 years ago, and who has come into the bookstore a few times. He's also quite dreamy. We only chatted for a minute, but that was long enough to soak up the dreaminess.

on another note, my friend Juan called me today, he was so worried about my last post. This was suprising, as juan and I don't generally phone each other. We relate electronically - emails, IMs, etc.
I realize that I post when the muse hits me, when I am down or lonely or feeling unloved. It doesn't occur to me to post when I'm having a great time, laughing at the TV, watching movies from Netflix, or just got in from a nice time out at the movies with a former co-worker & friend (Thanks, G, for seeing Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit with me last Saturday night). I only think about writing when I'm bummed, which is unfairly painting me as seeming more depressed or down than I really am. The truth is, i'm plugging on. Some days are worse than others, and those are the days or moments I feel the need to write. But I'm going to try to kick my own ass to write more (generally), and more positive stuff.

On a positive note, I had a few social invites this weekend. I think I will try to do all of them. A small gathering at Amy's (the coffee shop co-owner) tonight, walking in the Breast Cancer Walk tomorrow, and then basketball (memphis grizzlies) Saturday night. Keeping busy, seeing friends, all fairly low-cost. rock on!

Out of control

I actually feel out of control right now... not in a self-destructive, too much, too many kind of way, but in the way that I feel I have no control of my life. Like, all my adult life, I've been waiting for someone to step in and run things for me. I don't know that I've been consciously aware of that (at times, maybe), but with the break-up, and living alone, and my job not going the way I had hoped or planned for it to... I feel like I need to gain a modicum of control, to be (annoying buzzword bingo word approaching) "proactive" in my life.

There is an Oingo Boingo album, "Dark at the End of the Tunnel" (Nicole, and possibly Juan, may be the only people who actually remember that album; Boingo never really hit it big outside of LA / SF), that featured a single called "Out of Control". Boingo had an earlier song called "On the Outside".
I've always identified with "On the outside" - this is where it all begins, on the outside looking in, just an alien through and through, trying to make believe I'm you, trying to fit, just a stranger, on the outside looking in."
But now, tonight, I find the lyrics of "out of control" floating through my head. Though the song seems to be talking someone out of doing themselves in, the lyrics still carry meaning. I looked them up on the Internets so I could quote them better. (I've obviously excerpted the ones that carry meaning to me):
You're out of control yeah, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream.... You're out of control, and you want the world to love you, Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know, That you live and breathe and suffer, And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go.... You're out of control, and you move without direction, And people look right through your soul, You're out of control, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream...

ach, I don't know. It's not that I want instant answers. It's just that lately, I feel like every time I talk to someone, I end up turning into Debbie Downer. I find it difficult to find my happy. I'm watching TV shows, watching Netflix movies of my own choosing, and reading like a fiend. I've probably finished 3 or 4 books in the past week, finishing two books in two days. I've not been sleeping due to reading. I've got mild insomnia, but I don't know what to do to alleviate it. I've been reaching out to people for social interaction, and trying to accept any (reasonable) social invite that comes my direction. But I still feel disjointed and disconnected, and nothing seems to alleviate that feeling at this point.

On other matters, I'm walking in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk on Saturday. I'm doing the short version, the 1 mile fun walk. I'll be missing my Saturday Pilates class for it, but I'll make up for missing the class by walking! And I'm joining Tonya & the girls, and Kiren & D, and looking forward to it.

I know the only way to keep on is to keep on keeping on. I just wish that I wasn't so numbed right now. I want to feel again, you know? To have my heart skip when I see someone, or to feel the glow of recognized accomplishment. To actually LAUGH and really feel it, to be a part of it all...
There is also a part of me that wishes this could all go away, and I could go back to living the life I was used to. It was easier. But it wasn't right, ultimately.

in other, semi-unrelated news, I did not win the $340 million powerball ticket. It wasn't for lack of trying. I did win $4 in Saturday's drawing, by getting the PB and two other numbers. yay me! The ticket was bought in Oregon, but I checked with my brother Marc, and he didn't buy a ticket for yesterday's drawing, so it wasn't him. besides, new reports say the ticket was bought in "the historic Oregon Gold Rush town of Jacksonville." We keep trying. I hope Mom bought a ticket - it's supposed to help me not be sad.

social networking

So, I got asked out today. In a very odd manner... which then became WEIRDER.

I was leaving Starbucks with my morning (afternoon, really) latte on the way to work at the bookstore. I had finished going through the used newspaper bin, as I do, looking for the Target ad, coupon sections, and other interesting sections (sometimes I luck upon a funnies section, or the NY Times Magazine, or other such). I had a wonderful conversation while ordering with the barista, a friendly girl by the name of Julie, who I've seen many times over the past few years. Turns out she is an adjunct professor of lit at U of M (University of Memphis) and has an MFA in Lit, and writes fiction. pretty cool conversation, all together, and I love meeting people with similar interests, especially in a coffee shop.

So, anyway, I was leaving Starbucks with my papers and my latte, when a guy comes up, and asks me my name. Being polite, I tell him, and shake his hand. Then he tells me I'm very pretty. I say, thank you, I'm flattered. He asks me if I'd like to go out sometime. I tell him, thanks for asking, but I've recently broken up, and I'm just not there yet. He said something about taking a chance, he's very nervous, and that his hands are shaking... He held them up to prove it, and they were. He was a plain-looking guy, with blue eyes and shaved bald (but balding anyway) head, and a bit on the pudgy side. I would place him as being approximately the same age as me, but not certain to his age. We awkwardly chatted a bit more, and I ended up taking down his name and number, just to be polite and end the conversation. He said his name was "Dustin, like the household chore". Somehow, in this exchange, I mentioned I was heading to work at the bookstore. (not quite thinking, just talking... and I know better than that.)

Sure enough, about an hour or two into my bookstore shift, he strolls on into the store. I had told Donna, the artist on duty, about my bizarre asking out, and so alerted her to his entrance into the store. She told me to go to the bookstore side, and be sweet. I tried. He stayed for over an hour and a half, just hanging out and shopping and listening to me chat with regulars (like Bob, who is an older man who comes in every Sunday, and who is dealing with his health and doctors visits and such, and who hangs out for at least a half hour scowling and making conversation) and customers. Little awkward guy hovered around the counter for a while, telling me he liked self-help books and stuff, and especially books that helped him be smarter. Was telling me about a brain power book, and used a word that made me cringe, though I can't remember it now - one of those words that isn't a word, that people who are trying to sound smarter use. I tried to be polite, but nothing further, until he finally left and asked me to call him sometime.

I feel bad, really, because I want to be networking, but I know that this guy isn't someone I want to spend any time with. He kinda gave me the creeps, and I don't want to lead weird fellas on. I wanted to take his asking me out as a compliment, and move on, but his coming into the bookstore killed that vibe and left me weirded out. And he knows where I work, at least on the weekend.

the meaning of love

My mother, a person who loves the internet and does not usually forward things, sent this to me. It speaks to me, and I hope it speaks to you.


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" These are some of the answers:

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hand's got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once spoke about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old man's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Just a little crazy

Okay, so I've backslid a little today... I'm owning up to it.

First, I got an email from B today... telling me that his computer monitor, which is less than 2 years old, just died, and he had to borrow one from Wayne. He's telling me this because the monitor I am currently using now was bought from him, after my monitor died. He'd had this monitor laying around for a year and a half, and right after he sells it to me, his monitor dies. He thought I would appreciate the irony and humor of the story.
I didn't write back, but I do admit that when the little yahoo notification went off and I saw who the email was from, I did get a little twinge in my tummy.

The actual backsliding was far worse, but ultimately harmless, I think. I know his HS GF, the "love of his life", the one he admitted to me and his former roommate (when we are just friends, far before the drama) that he would move back home if she asked him to and pursue a future with, well, she's getting married. This month, in their hometown area of Scranton. Before I cut off contact with B, we had conversations about whether he was even going to fly up there and attend it (his budget is tight). Heck, over the summer, we had discussed US (him and I, as a couple) going... I was supposed to have met her and her fiance during our summer visit, but we had an exhausting schedule, and bowed out of that meal and meeting.
So, today, just a few minutes ago, I was surfing the internet looking for the details of their wedding, via TheKnot and WeddingChannel. I was looking it up by her name, which is a fairly common one, and was a little halted by the lack of his name. There are actually two people with her name getting married in PA in October & November. I looked at the registries and the dates, and the cities, and narrowed it down to a wedding Saturday next (10-22). And, you know what, the registries were SAD. Nothing on them, but, positive for her, most all on the two I saw had been purchased.
I think the original motivation behind looking up the wedding details was to find out the dates, and figure out which weekend B would potentially be out of town.

I honestly don't know what is up with his life right now. I had dinner with W&K Sunday night, and was very focused on not asking them questions about him, or leading the conversation to our breakup or to him. I feel for them for being in the middle, hate that our personal situation has put our friends in the middle, and I am attempting to be as thoughtful to their predicament as they are to mine. A part of me wants to know if he is going to the ex-GF's wedding, and if he does, will he be the guy re-enacting that scene from "The Graduate"? And the sensible part knows I shouldn't care.

I'm at 3 weeks on my 60 day he-tox (no talking to him / focusing on myself) plan, and I'm so proud of myself that I know I am in grave danger of breaking the rules and having to start over again. I had to look at previous entries to check dates, but I believe the last time I saw and talked to him was Monday 26 September, when I took over his stereo to him, and stayed for a few minutes talking to him. It was surreal to be there, knowing it was my last time talking to him. I wish I had said more profound and lingering things than I did. I know we talked about work, and his plans for his house, and a bit about our friends.

I actually wonder how/why I haven't run into him at the local Starbucks, or the grocery around the corner, or haven't driven past him on the street. We live less than a mile from each other, and some days it is difficult to stop myself from driving past his home, just to see how he's doing.
But I gave up low-level stalking in college - I have a scary level of recall that makes it easy for me to remember peoples' schedules, and made the "accidental run-in" an easy task for me in HS and college.

anyway, it's near bedtime, and I could write more for hours without saying anything. The updates will continue to come as I remember. Oh, in case you were wondering, the Saturday freak-out was exactly that, a freak-out. The friends I was SO worried about not getting called back by - well, they had changed their home phone number, but kept the old one, and I was leaving messages on the line they don't check often. And, Saturdays being Saturdays, they had been in and out and hadn't gotten the message until LATE at night. So, I wasn't being avoided, which was a great relief. In fact, I saw them Sunday, and all is well with the world and my friendships.

i'm THAT friend now

the one no one calls back.
I've left a bunch of messages for friends, and no replies. I feel like the sides have been chosen, or that I'm being phased out. I don't know if its true, but that's how I feel.
I also know that writing this risks making it worse. but I'm so lonesome today. It's another one of those days where I go hours without hearing anything but the TV and my own voice - not the ring of my phone, or the beep of the computer alerting me to mail, or any other person's voice.
this is the torture of a breakup, of starting over... the time spent completely alone, on nights when you would have normally gone out to dinner with friends, or over the friends' to watch TV, or movies, or have dinner.
i think i'm on the verge of crying, for the first time in days. missing company is worse than mourning the possibilites of the future. yeah, I miss B, and the place he had in my life and my heart, but the real sadness is the loss of a future I thought I had. and the real sadness, right now, is the loss of friends.

today, I watched a DVD (13 going on 30) and had a great time with the DVD. I got rid of the dresser that I had planned on refinishing but had now decided against. I actually got the whole dresser out of my apartment and onto the curb all by myself, using a handtruck I borrowed from the bike shop. I un-built a small shelf that B built for my bathroom back in my old apartment. It was one of those sweet gesture things he did, and even though there was no place for it in this apartment, I had held onto it because of the gesture behind it. But, today, I hammered out all the nails, removed them, and gave the boards to bike shop, to see if they could use it for apartment repairs or such. I felt like big, strong, capable girl when I was destroying and hauling. But now I feel like lonely, my friends won't call me back girl.

And the worst part of it? the part of my brain that is always waiting for the inevitable rejection wonders if I did or said something to cause this. and I'm racking it trying to figure out what I could have done, and all it keeps coming up with is breaking up with B. I thought my friendships were stronger than that.

New People, New Experiences

Tonight, I followed one of my new rules (don't turn down invites to social events) and went to a "Girls' Night", with a few girls I sort of knew and most who I didn't.
The backstory is this: I work part-time at a used bookstore which shares space with an artists' co-op market and a coffee shop. Two people run the coffee shop part, Pete and Amy. Pete and Amy are NOT a couple, but they do have a lot of friends in common. Pete and Amy and their friends are all Christian, and attend the same church, I think (I haven't yet figured out what denomination of Christian, but it involves bible study and fellowship). Tonight, Pete was telling stories about this men's night he had planned, and asked Amy was planned for the girls' night, to be held at their friend Brownie's house. Apparently, Brownie wanted a Girls' Night, and asked Pete to plan a coinciding boys' night for the husbands. Pete knows I'm recently broken up, and lonely, and told Amy she should invite me. I told Pete not force me on Amy, and went back to working in the bookstore and chatting with the artist on duty, Mary Louise (I think... I hope, that's what I called her all night).
When we were closing, Amy gave me a scrap of paper with directions on it, and told me I should come, there would be lemon squares and brownies. I came home, puttered around, watched a bit of television, and decided, since the gathering was ONE BLOCK AWAY from my apartment, that I should go. So, I put on some lipgloss, brushed my hair, and headed out.
I found the apartment easily, knocked and was let in. I was introduced all around, and I already knew 3 or 4 of the people there (Brownie, the hostess, and her husband Jason are regulars at the Bookstore and coffee shop; Erin, this artist that does really cool cartoony canvasses; Amy, who invited me; and Amy's friend Katherine, who hangs out at the coffee shop a lot). I had met, in passing, another 2 or 3 of the women (at the coffee shop over the past year). They were all really friendly, and nearly all named Katherine (3 in one room). I was seated next to Irish Katherine. They all attend the same church, a fair number are married (and young, at that, I gather most of them were around 25). They have a lot of friends in common, and seemed to have all been, at one time or another, roommates with each other. They were telling stories across the room, multiple conversations on mulitple topics, but I didn't feel left out. I ended up drinking two cups of decaf coffee, laughing, joking, telling stories about childhood pets and work and my recent breakup. It was good time, and brownie and I exchanged numbers, and she told me to call her if I was ever sitting here feeling lonely, or wanted to take a walk, or whatever.
I'm glad I did it, and hope to hang out again soon... I'm not ready to join their church, and I hope they don't push that, because I had a great time meeting new people and just chatting about this and that.
A nice way to end the week, and start the weekend. And a nice way to forget all I am going through, and put my best me forward to new people.
:)

oh, and I found out that the artist (Mary Louise?) is a listener to D&Z, to the point of naming off things she heard today and earlier this week that she enjoyed. It's kind of cool to know that people are appreciating something I am involved in.

Pilates tomorrow, solo (Kiren has an infection and is quarantined). Maybe the Pink Palace Crafts Fair, if Tonya calls... or maybe by myself, if she doesn't. We'll see.
And I've decided to get rid of the project dresser - stripping the first drawer made the veneer (that was hidden under the thick coat of colorful paint) peel. and the wood isn't great quality. I'm going to put it on the curb tomorrow, see if I can get one of the bike shop guys to help me take it to the curb. Refinishing it isn't a project I want to tackle right now, it's taking up space in my living room, and it kind of stinks. I'll either save up for a target dresser, scour PB outlet for one, or, at some point, find another project at a charity shop. In the meantime, my bookcase folded clothes storage will work just fine.

A few days' worth of notes

I've been making notes everywhere, especially whilst I'm working.
Lists of priorities, realities, notes on feelings and thoughts. Here are some of them, labeled by when I think I took them down or by category.

Tuesday 10-04-05
This morning, when getting dressed for work, I decided my outfit needed a necklace. I had long taken off my former daily Tiffany necklace (a long bar T&Co pendant that B had given me when we were first dating, which he brought back from Aruba for me). I took it off a few weeks ago, when B and I really broke up. It was only the second time I took it off for that reason (the first was over 2 years ago). I had put it in the drawer with my other Tiffany jewelry gifts.

I went into the drawer to grab a necklace, and pulled out the box that I thought was a simple initial J necklace. The box turned out to be a pair of earrings that matched the necklace, a pair of earrings I had never even worn. A mix of sadness, nostalgia, and nausea hit me. I put the box away, closed the drawer, and gave up on a necklace. I ended up going into another drawer, and got out a simple multi-colored elastic plastic bead bracelet, and put on my old silver rings (which I haven't worn in years). I had to put on old jewelry to get my equilibrium back.

Tuesday 10-04-05, 8:00 am
I've got to break the habits. I just saw an ad on the TV for home appliances, and thought about B's kitchen, and the remodel it needs, and will someday get. But I won't be there for it.
One of my friends said breaking up is like quitting smoking. And it really is. It's breaking these habits you've built up over years, and replacing them with new behaviors, thoughts, actions.

PRIORITIES:
someone who likes music, and seeing concerts.
someone who enjoys comedy, including stand-up comedy.
someone who will do activities - go bowling, skating (ice and roller), batting cages, mini golf, etc.
someone who wants marriage & kids.
someone who likes my family.
someone whose family I like (and whose family likes me).
will introduce to me to their family, sooner than later.
someone who likes my body, faults and big boobs and all.
someone who likes me.
someone who loves me.
someone who isn't afraid to call me their girlfriend.
someone who isn't scared to say they love me.

REALITIES:
REALIZATION - He told me two years ago, straight out, that he didn't like me enough. Said something along the lines of, "I don't want you to wake up in 2 years and wonder why you wasted your time." And, I still stuck around.
We broke up a bunch of times previously, and I didn't get it.
He didn't like my family. He told me, even recently, he was scared of them.
He made fun of me singing along with music... which is just part of who I am.
Compromise meant me changing, not him.
Not always interested in {} me... would withdraw {}, but still visit the "club"
he's not who I imagined myself to end up with, but I accepted the idea of our future because I loved him.
Discussions of the future (kids, marriage, future careers) usually ended in arguments and/or frustration.

Thank you to Tonya for lunch and conversation yesterday, happy birthday (a day late) to my sister Neen, and happy birthday (a day early) to my sister Bebe, and happy birthday (2 days early) to Jen.

Also, still need to write about the "six degrees of jess"... it's been wild on that front this week.

caring and chanting

you spend a few years caring about someone else, how they feel, what they care about, and you can't just turn it off.
and I know (from our friends) that B was hurting.
and, I miss him... i miss hanging out with him... I still grab my phone in the car to call him, and then fight the urge to call.
so, I have to keep chanting to myself, I'm doing this for my own good. be strong. i have to remember that breaking up with him, and getting over it, is what will make it possible to find another better person. someone who wants to admit he's my boyfriend.
hell, the office (US) is on... and it's set in Scranton, and he's from Scranton area, and I've been to Scranton.
i've been thinking, and reading, and making notes on every scrap of paper as to what I'm thinking.
I still feel a bit of a narcissist, but it's a necessary evil in this situation.
Honestly, I've been writing this to keep from calling everyone all the time and blabbing on and on...

Asked myself out for a date

Boom boom, ain't it great to be crazy?
Boom boom, ain't it great to be nuts like you?
Silly and foolish all day long
Boom boom, ain't it great to be crazy!

Called myself up on the phone
Just to hear my golden tone
Asked myself out for a date
Picked me up at half past eight.

Boom boom...

Took myself to the picture show
Sat right down in the very first row
Put my arms around my waist
Got so fresh I slapped my face

Boom boom...

this is a portion of a "camp song" I learned in Scouts. It's also how I felt on Saturday night.

Saturday, after Pilates, I came back home and attempted the DVD player again... a little bit. But mostly I just hung out around the house in pajamas watching TV. Finally convinced myself to take a shower around 5 pm, and was debating whether to go Target or go see a sneak preview of a movie I wantd to see. When I got out of the shower, it was POURING down rain, and I don't like driving in the rain, especially the pouring rain. Plus, I didn't feel like going out by myself, I couldn't get my local friends to take my calls, and I really wanted to call B. But I didn't.
I called Jen and she convinced me to leave the house, whether it was going to Target (by myself, something I have to get used to again) or going to the movie sneak. I decided to try the movie sneak, and if it was sold out, to head to Target.

The movie sneak wasn't sold out, so I was in to see "In her Shoes" a week before it 'really' comes out. I had read the book by Jennifer Weiner a few years ago (long enough ago that when my sister lived with me 2 years ago, she read my copy). I thought the casting was pretty great (Toni Collette, Cameron Diaz, Shirley MacLaine), and the movie was pretty faithful to the book. It's a total chick flick, about sisterhood and friendship, and not a romance, so it's an okay movie to see at this time. I treated myself to some movie snacks (a kids tray of popcorn, cherry coke, and a snack size pack of peanut m&ms. I sat by myself in the front row (it was a packed house), and had a thoroughly good time. In my own company. As a treat to myself, I went to the Ben & Jerry's that recently opened in the same shopping center as the movie theater.

I got myself a small scoop of a new flavor:
The Last Straw - Strawberry Ice Cream with a Fudge Truffle Swirl and Strawberry-Fudge Chunks
It was quite YUMMY. In college I had a fondness for the pints of the B&J Strawberry Ice Cream, which was a rare flavor to find.

Oh, and they have other new flavors you need to watch out for
these you might be able to find in pints
Marsha Marsha Marshmallow™ - Chocolate Ice Cream with Fudge Chunks & Toasted Marshmallow & Graham Cracker Swirls
The Gobfather™ - Chocolate Ice Cream with Fudge Covered Almonds & a Nougat Swirl
Dublin Mudslide - Irish Cream Liqueur Ice Cream with Chocolate, Chocolate Chip Cookies and a Coffee Fudge Swirl

these are only in the Scoop Stores
Apple-y Ever After™ - Brown Sugar Ice Cream with a Ginger-Caramel Swirl and Apples
Chocolate Therapy™ - Chocolate Ice Cream with Chocolate Cookies & Swirls of Chocolate Pudding Ice Cream
Fossil Fuel™ - Sweet Cream Ice Cream with Chocolate Cookie Pieces, Fudge Dinosaurs and a Fudge Swirl
In A Crunch™ - Peanut Butter Ice Cream with Fudge Covered Peanuts & a Crispy Fudge Swirl
Triple Caramel Chunk - Caramel Ice Cream with a Swirl of Caramel & Fudge Covered Caramel Chunks

Anyway, enough about Ice Cream... just thought y'all should know about these other wonderful flavors.
Now, I'm hungry - and thirsting for a coffee. Jim whats-his-face on Food Network's "The Secret Life of..." is talking about coffee, and is right now at Starbucks in Seattle. He's goofing off making drinks at the training center in Seattle, and I'm jonesing to be in the apron and behind the counter again.

TTFN, I need to go to bed. I didn't really get a good nap today, and i'm flagging. I need to read a little more, get to sleep, and start another day of work. I did, today, make myself a nice supper. And yesterday, I did too. Good on ME. I'm trying to take care of myself best I can.

SIX TYPES OF FRIENDS EVERY WOMAN NEEDS

another excerpt from a radio Prep Service...

which friend are you? to me? to your other friends? Which friend do you still need? do you think this is correct?


SIX TYPES OF FRIENDS EVERY WOMAN NEEDS

For all the whining a woman does about landing a husband, she'd be up a creek without her friends.

Here are six types of friends every woman needs, according to MSN Lifestyle...

The Work Friend: Someone to go to lunch with and vent about work frustrations is key to the normal girl's workday.
The Friend in Your Kid's Class: Sometimes it takes another parent to talk about what a pain in the ass your kid really is. They can relate.
The Friend Who's Known You Forever: You always feel grounded when in the company of this friend. They know everything about you and love you anyway.
The Hobby Buddy: She walks with you, takes that pottery class with you, and is up to try anything new with you.
The Straight-Talking Friend: She cuts through the crap and tells you like it is. She's not afraid to tell you you're wrong.
The Feel-Good Friend: You keep things light with this friend and just have a good time. No drama, no stress, which means you probably don't see them very often. Most times, the friend we see the least is the one we like the most.

Other friends every girl should have...
The slutty friend: She's always up for chasing guys.
The drunk friend: No matter how many drinks you have, she'll always make a bigger fool of herself.
The lets-go-dancing friend: You never want to go when she suggests it, but you're always glad you did.

I don't need a man to wire things for me

I've fixed my DVD problem. Hooked the wires up in the proper fashion (thank god for the schematic on the timewarnercable website), then figured out that the screen roll was a setting problem (it was set on PAL, the Euro standard, and needed to be on NTSC, the North American standard).

For over 2 years, since I was given this DVD player as a "thank you" by B & D for helping them move from their shared apartment to D's house, I have been unable to make the DVD player work properly. I had asked B to help me wire it properly, and especially since I moved to this apartment. But it never happened.

Until now. I actually did it all by myself. I had to shift the wires around a few times, move the entertainment unit and get covered in the dust that hides behind things you don't dare look behind.

"All by myself, I did it alone. Well, why not?"
(it's a sesame street song from when I was a kid)

Oh, and who knew that this DVD player that came from Sam's Club was as cool as it is? It plays, as stated above, both US and Euro DVDs (which means I can feed by Brit-com and Brit-drama addictions quite freely), as well as CDs and other self-recorded discs. Pretty cool.

I will survive! I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to help me buy cables, or connect them. And now I have a working DVD player, all the better to watch Netflix with.

(10 pm Car Alarmn guy came home early tonight. It's not quite 9 pm. calling it an early Sunday, I guess.)

'bout time for Footballers' Wives. ta ra for now.

Greg Behrendt, former co-worker and prophet

So, today I totally broke down and bought my former co-worker Greg's new book, "It's called a breakup because it's broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy". I was in Target, searching for the monster pack of cheap TP and the RCA cable (the red-white-yellow cable) I needed to hook up my DVD player to my VCR to my TV. (Jen gave me a free month of Netflix to help in my breakup, and I need a working DVD player to watch the movies. And since B never fixed the wiring like he had promised, it doesn't work).

Anyway, I walked past the book section, and Greg and his wife Amiira's new book is there on an endcap. I took this as a sign from God, and threw the book in my cart. I know I'm totally broke, but I'm also totally lonely, and I figured this book would a) give me something to read to fill my time, and b) provide good advice, and c) boost my self-esteem and help convince me I had made the right decision.

I got home, put the Target groceries away (bought frozen chicken breasts and boca burgers to make sure I'm eating healthier now that I am cooking for myself again and not relying on B to feed me all the time), and grabbed Greg's first book (written with a different co-author) down from the shelf. You probably heard about his first book on Oprah last year - "He's just not that into you: The no-excuses truth to understanding guys". I had read it before, recognized myself and b in parts of it, and didn't have the balls to do anything about it. In fact, I told B (more than once) that my friend's book said I should breakup with him. B gave his mom the audiobook (from me) last year, and gave his sister the book at Christmas. apparently, worked for her.

Well, today when I got to the bookstore, I opened up "He's just not that into you" again, and re-read the chapters that pertained to me. (It's quick reading, by the way, if you ever want to read it). Herewith, the pertinent wisdom from those chapters. I have pulled the ones which pertain to me, and haven't repeated ones that don't.

Chapter 3: he's just not that into you if he's not dating you. hanging out is not dating.

• Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to believe them. "I don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you" or "I'm not sure that you're the one"
• Better than nothing is not good enough for you.
• If you don't know where the relationship is going, it's okay to pull over and ask.
• Murky? Not good.
• There's a guy out there who WILL want to tell everyone he's your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Chapter 7: he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you. Love cures commitment phobia.

• "Doesn't want to get married" and "doesn't want to get married to me" are very different things. Be sure about which category he falls under.
• If you have different ideas about marriage, what else are you not on the same page about? Time to take inventory.
• If you don't feel like rushing, why are you waiting?
• There's a guy out there who wants to marry you.

Chapter 8: he's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you. "I don't want to go out with you" means just that.

• You can't talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A breakup is a definitive action, not a democratic one.
• Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
• Cut him off. Let him miss you.
• He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
• "Classy" doesn't "break into his answering machine.
• There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Chapter 11: He's just not that into you if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak. If you really love someone, you will do things to make them happy.

• Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
• You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them too.)
• You already have one asshole. You don't need another.
• Make space in your life for the glorious things you deserve.
• Have faith. What other choice is there?

Reset your standards. (Standard suggestions.)

• I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me.
• I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
• I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
• I will not be with a man who is afraid to talk about our future.
• I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.

So, those are from the first book. I'm 3 chapters into "It's called a breakup because it's broken, and i'm feeling much better and resolved in my decision. It doesn't make me miss the space he occupied in my life any less, but it reminds me i'm doing the right thing by not talking to him. Even though our friends are saying how much he misses me...

that's all for now. Remind me next post to tell you about how I took myself out for a date last night... and how i'm a prude, even with myself. :)