i'm THAT friend now

the one no one calls back.
I've left a bunch of messages for friends, and no replies. I feel like the sides have been chosen, or that I'm being phased out. I don't know if its true, but that's how I feel.
I also know that writing this risks making it worse. but I'm so lonesome today. It's another one of those days where I go hours without hearing anything but the TV and my own voice - not the ring of my phone, or the beep of the computer alerting me to mail, or any other person's voice.
this is the torture of a breakup, of starting over... the time spent completely alone, on nights when you would have normally gone out to dinner with friends, or over the friends' to watch TV, or movies, or have dinner.
i think i'm on the verge of crying, for the first time in days. missing company is worse than mourning the possibilites of the future. yeah, I miss B, and the place he had in my life and my heart, but the real sadness is the loss of a future I thought I had. and the real sadness, right now, is the loss of friends.

today, I watched a DVD (13 going on 30) and had a great time with the DVD. I got rid of the dresser that I had planned on refinishing but had now decided against. I actually got the whole dresser out of my apartment and onto the curb all by myself, using a handtruck I borrowed from the bike shop. I un-built a small shelf that B built for my bathroom back in my old apartment. It was one of those sweet gesture things he did, and even though there was no place for it in this apartment, I had held onto it because of the gesture behind it. But, today, I hammered out all the nails, removed them, and gave the boards to bike shop, to see if they could use it for apartment repairs or such. I felt like big, strong, capable girl when I was destroying and hauling. But now I feel like lonely, my friends won't call me back girl.

And the worst part of it? the part of my brain that is always waiting for the inevitable rejection wonders if I did or said something to cause this. and I'm racking it trying to figure out what I could have done, and all it keeps coming up with is breaking up with B. I thought my friendships were stronger than that.