Out of control

I actually feel out of control right now... not in a self-destructive, too much, too many kind of way, but in the way that I feel I have no control of my life. Like, all my adult life, I've been waiting for someone to step in and run things for me. I don't know that I've been consciously aware of that (at times, maybe), but with the break-up, and living alone, and my job not going the way I had hoped or planned for it to... I feel like I need to gain a modicum of control, to be (annoying buzzword bingo word approaching) "proactive" in my life.

There is an Oingo Boingo album, "Dark at the End of the Tunnel" (Nicole, and possibly Juan, may be the only people who actually remember that album; Boingo never really hit it big outside of LA / SF), that featured a single called "Out of Control". Boingo had an earlier song called "On the Outside".
I've always identified with "On the outside" - this is where it all begins, on the outside looking in, just an alien through and through, trying to make believe I'm you, trying to fit, just a stranger, on the outside looking in."
But now, tonight, I find the lyrics of "out of control" floating through my head. Though the song seems to be talking someone out of doing themselves in, the lyrics still carry meaning. I looked them up on the Internets so I could quote them better. (I've obviously excerpted the ones that carry meaning to me):
You're out of control yeah, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream.... You're out of control, and you want the world to love you, Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know, That you live and breathe and suffer, And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go.... You're out of control, and you move without direction, And people look right through your soul, You're out of control, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream...

ach, I don't know. It's not that I want instant answers. It's just that lately, I feel like every time I talk to someone, I end up turning into Debbie Downer. I find it difficult to find my happy. I'm watching TV shows, watching Netflix movies of my own choosing, and reading like a fiend. I've probably finished 3 or 4 books in the past week, finishing two books in two days. I've not been sleeping due to reading. I've got mild insomnia, but I don't know what to do to alleviate it. I've been reaching out to people for social interaction, and trying to accept any (reasonable) social invite that comes my direction. But I still feel disjointed and disconnected, and nothing seems to alleviate that feeling at this point.

On other matters, I'm walking in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk on Saturday. I'm doing the short version, the 1 mile fun walk. I'll be missing my Saturday Pilates class for it, but I'll make up for missing the class by walking! And I'm joining Tonya & the girls, and Kiren & D, and looking forward to it.

I know the only way to keep on is to keep on keeping on. I just wish that I wasn't so numbed right now. I want to feel again, you know? To have my heart skip when I see someone, or to feel the glow of recognized accomplishment. To actually LAUGH and really feel it, to be a part of it all...
There is also a part of me that wishes this could all go away, and I could go back to living the life I was used to. It was easier. But it wasn't right, ultimately.

in other, semi-unrelated news, I did not win the $340 million powerball ticket. It wasn't for lack of trying. I did win $4 in Saturday's drawing, by getting the PB and two other numbers. yay me! The ticket was bought in Oregon, but I checked with my brother Marc, and he didn't buy a ticket for yesterday's drawing, so it wasn't him. besides, new reports say the ticket was bought in "the historic Oregon Gold Rush town of Jacksonville." We keep trying. I hope Mom bought a ticket - it's supposed to help me not be sad.