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Countercultural, my ass

Why do some people seem to think there is a romance to being wasted? Drunk, stoned, on pills, coked out, whatever - there seems to be a sub-culture (mostly male, but with some women thrown in, probably out of sex) that (who?) worship at the altar of Hunter, Bukowski, John Kennedy Toole, etc, and think being f-ed up is poetic. When, really, it's crappy.

The saga of my long-ago ex, S, continues. I think he's mostly suicidal, but somewhere in his logical brain he knows it's stupid to kill ones-self, at least all at once. I think in his poetic brain, the one that writes stories and poems and lyrics, he believes life could be better than it is, and that's the other thing.

I don't know. I understand a minor self-destructive streak, we all have one. And I understand some low-self-esteem - I think anyone who says their "life is perfect, I have no problems" (N will understand where that quote came from) hasn't really explored themselves very well, or is in denial, or some combination of the two.

I have to go and finish getting ready. D&Z are broadcasting from a bar again tonight, and I need to be there in 10 minutes. Thank god it's less than a mile from my house. :)

scattered brain, tired, need to write

1) My friend and career mentor Frank thinks I should post more entries like the one where I went off about the best burgers (In N Out), 'cause it is fun, and I had some good links.

2) My ex S is an alcoholic and drug addict. I knew he had problems when we went out, but he kept the drug part in check when we were dating, up until the end of the long-distance relationship. (Though "accidentally dosed" with 'shrooms is still a joke with my local friends). His use and abuse escalated to the point of actually going into rehab this past summer. Apparently, he developed a wicked coke habit. (As someone who has never even smoked a cigarette, let alone anything stronger, this is shocking to me. But then, drug use is puzzling to me). My brother JD is still friends with him, and I will occasionally find things S has posted on my brother's LJ friend page. Today, I discovered that, because of the self-destructive streak and who knows what else, he engaged in REALLY unsafe activities, possibly before we together. It literally makes me sad and sick.

3) I think back on things with B, and I remember the high points and the low points. I remember the feeling of elation and joy and the highs, the camaraderie and the affection and the comfort and the closeness. And, then, I remember the bad points - the feeling of overwhelming sadness and isolation and wondering how we got there.

4) I've got VH1 on in the background, and they are doing a videos of 2005 countdown. They are on Will Smith's "Switch", which reminds me of 2 things.
a) when the song / video first came out, N and I were talking about the song, and she said, Will Smith done lost his mind.
b) the song was HUGE in late-May/early-June, when B and I took the great PA adventure, and we heard it ALL OVER the radio.

5) Juan's emails are helping me explore my self-denial issues. The thing I didn't talk about in that post is the whole guilt over spending money I don't really have for things that aren't "necessities".

6) I have Christmas gifts to wrap and ship, and others to mail, and I haven't gotten any of that done. Which I need to have done before my birthday next Thursday.

7) I'm a birthday person (those who read this and didn't know that probably don't know me very well). My birthday, my 31st (or, really, the 1st anniversary of my 30th birthday) is next week. I have NO PLANS for my birthday. I will probably be at home watching Joey. The radio show goes on break that day, so it's my last day of hard work for 2 weeks. My Memphis core friends are either out of town (K&W) or going to their office party (K&D, B). I don't want to be pathetic about it, but I'm kinda bummed.

8) I really want to stop being a narcissist. I want to focus on other things, other people.

9) I'm really looking forward to the holidays and the visit to my folks' house. And yet I'm not. It's only going to be Mom, Dad, my baby sister BB, and me. No other sibs. And I don't know people in the town they live in. But it will be nice to get out of my environs here.

I don't know how much sense I make these days. But I think it's best to get the stories and ideas and emotions out. Maybe they will "process" easier this way.

Deprivation and asceticism

I'm realizing that I have this problem in myself, related, I think to a poorer-than-some-of-my-friends upbringing. I've been aware of this previously (see my history with boxed chocolates and holiday candy). But it really hit me today.

After MUCH debating, and phone calls to 2 friends (and consulting with co-workers), I bought a pair of mid-calf black boots for winter. From Nine West. On sale, $55 (1/2 price, they were originally $110). Keep in mind, I normally buy my winter boots from Payless or Target. They've served me fine for years now, and a pair generally lasts 2 years, for $20-25. But I checked at Payless, I checked at Target, and their boots this season weren't right (the heels weren't right, or the boot height on my leg was too short). I went to the discount shoe stores - DSW, Rack Room Shoes - and found nothing. So, after much hand-wringing, consulting, and bargaining with myself (if I bag up and drop off my charity clothes, if I do my filing and home accounting, then I can buy the boots), I bought the boots Monday after work. The girl in the store said I bought the last pair of that style in size 7 black, so it was obviously meant to be. (As a bargain shopper and budget person, I'm a big believer in shopping karma - if you love it, come back, and if it's still there, you were meant to buy it.) I was so wracked with guilt that I called N and had her convince me I made the right decision ($60 / 12 months = $5 month, and I plan on keeping them for at least two years). So, what have I done? They are still sitting in the box. I took them out and looked at them today. And then I put them back, and put on the old, beat up, worn down heel Payless Boots from 2 years ago. My new boots are so nice, I'm afraid to wear them.

And that's a regular thing for me - if something is nice, I'm afraid to wear / eat / open / throw away things. I can make Christmas chocolates last a year. I still have a chocolate bunny my mom sent me from this past Easter, and one from the Easter prior. When B gave me chocolates at Valentines, he made me promise to eat them, and not let them sit in my fridge forever. And, yet, I ended up throwing the box away during the summer with candies still in it.

Back in September, I had KW go shopping with me to get a tank top I really thought was nice, and pretty, and expensive. From Ann Taylor Loft, $40, which is a lot for me. And I've yet to wear it. Partially because of the weather, partially because I haven't had an occasion, but mostly because I won't allow myself to wear something that nice.

I also ordered a winter coat (actually a coat, long) from Target.com. A green and cream tapestry coat that I saw in one store locally, and couldn't find again. I debated that one for nearly a month, and monitored the coat online, watching it go on sale, off sale, then on sale again. I ordered it this weekend (also part of the bargaining), and it arrived today. It's going to be 25 degrees when I go to work tomorrow, and I'm going to go to bed convincing myself to wear the coat and the boots.

I wish I could treat myself more often. I have this guilt and this feeling of not deserving it. You know, the global feeling of there are more important things in this world than that. But it's wasted money if the pretty things just hang out in the closet, unworn. Or the chocolates or whatever go uneaten.

It's not like I'm wearing a hairshirt, consciously practicing asceticism. But I do deny myself pleasures, and I'm trying to figure out why that is. It really isn't right to splurge, and then not do anything with the splurges. I buy the cute clothes and shoes to wear them, and then decide I'm not good enough to wear them out. The food denial, that's a mix of "dieting" and the feeling I don't deserve the good things.

The mixed feelings about good things is why I'm difficult to eat meals out with. I figure if I'm out, I might as well go all out - appetizers, drinks, desserts. And then I feel bad for a while for blowing all that money on something as basic as food.

heck, I won't figure it out tonight. And I'm tired, and need to crawl into the bed, which is now covered with 3 blankets / comforters. It's getting cold here, and they are predicting a 60% chance of snow on Thursday.

Had another group dinner with B last night. As Kiren put it, B and I gravitate towards each other. And ended up talking again. hesh, I don't know. But we're able to get along in public, so that's a good thing, I think.

big small town

So, tonight was the Starbucks Annual Holiday Cheer Party, and being the addict I am, I headed over (post-nap) for the free beverages, and to meet people and chat and all that.
And, of course, I walk in the door and see someone I know from another context. Joel, a radiosalesman from the office. Apparently, his wife works at the local Starbucks. She, of course, recognized me as being a regular. Strangely, she's one of the ones I always prefer not to get - she has a brittle smile, and wears the wrong makeup for her age. But, hey. I work with her husband.
I got to chatting with him and her, and ended up chatting with this very nice girl my age whose fiancee manages the local *$s. We exchanged numbers, and I invited them to come out to the D&Z live radio event tomorrow.
Oh, and I got a call today from a boy. For reals. But I haven't called him back yet.
I didn't meet any boys at the Starbucks event. But I did possibly make a friend, so that's something.
Oh, and when I went to Wild Oats for my smoothie today, and the nice fella in the juice bar recognized me, and gave me a smile. Makes a person feel good. And there was a 5 for $3 sale on my favorite brand of yogurt, Stonyfield Farms.
So, that was cool.

The other day, I bought cassettes for my microcassette recorder, so I am recording my thoughts in the car again. At some point, I'll transcribe some of them. :)