Miss Me Much?

I had an experience today that brought to mind the question, why can you miss someone, and yet know you really can't talk to them again?

(I'm not talking about deaths, which is a whole 'nother conundrum.) I'm talking about live people, that you've stopped being friends with consciously.

Today, I went to Home Depot to buy new hardware for a dresser I bought from a co-worker. Of course, it's not simple... the space between the screws on the handles for this dresser was 3 1/2 inches. Bet you didn't know that the standard is 3 inches. I had ONE choice of handle. Luckily, it was in the silvery chrome color I prefer, and though it is not the perfect handle, it's better (in my opinion) than the old fashioned pulls that were on the drawers.

On my drive home, I was looking around (as I do), and noticed a truck that looked like my (former) friend W's in the parking lot of Heavenly Hoagie. I checked the plate (as I do), and realized that it was indeed W's. His wife, K, had once pointed out that the first 3 letters sounded out MOBY, so it stuck in my mind. Seeing his truck started a series of thoughts - if he was there, and B's truck was not, that meant they were probably there together. (The hoagie shop is a particular favorite of B's). It was a Saturday errand day, so it makes logical sense.

And the thing that struck me is that I miss W. He's a gentle soul, a genuine person, who loves his friends. I haven't seen or talked to W since he dropped me at the airport in March, after which his wife accused me of ridiculous things and hidden evil motives. Because of that, and because she couldn't bring herself to apologize for her actions and words, I cut off relations with K (and by extension W). And post-B-break-up, I haven't been in a social situation with them since February.

I miss them. Once, they (we) were good friends. I was a bridesmaid in their wedding (and B was a groomsman, in one of our many broken-up periods, natch). I helped them with the wedding preparations. I used to go shopping with K. They would have me over to their house to hang and eat, even during the initial-post-break-up awkwardness, when they would balance their time with either of us.

But deep down, I always knew when (and sadly, i think I knew it was a "when", not an "if") B and I broke up, that I would lose them. One way or another, I would lose them, because B had known W first, and that's how things go. We all tried for a while after B and I broke up, but when it became clear that there was not going to be a reunion, things became even more awkward than they had been.

I miss them, though. And yet, I know, like i've known when other friendships have died or sputtered out, that it's not ever going to be the same. And that I need to stick to my guns, and remember that I don't need people who don't actually like or trust me in my life.

But that doesn't mean I can't miss them, and miss the memories. And miss the good times.

(god, I'm really melancholy tonight).

T tonight pointed out to me that I've had a lot of change in my life recently. In the past year-and-a-half, pretty much everything but my car and home have changed. In March 2005, I quit my job. March - June 2005, I worked an office job with B, W, and AJ. June 2005, met B's family. July 2005, started Pilates. August 2005, B breaks up with me. August 2005, go to Kentucky with Mom & Dad, bring some family drama to light. September 2005, start the new job. September 2005, after a disastrous social outting where everyone tried to pretend it wasn't awkward and weird to be in a group after B&I broke up, cut off relations with B. December 2005-January 2006, attempt social relationship with B. December 2005, turn 31. January & February 2006, make attempts to start dating again. March 2006, cut off all contact with B, W, & K. June 2006, start therapy to help deal with some of the stuff floating around in my head. All 2006, work, live, go out with friends, make new friends, do Pilates, give up dairy, start drinking soy lattes, date, relate, work and so on.

and I feel like my life is still insecure, that it could all fall apart at any minute. People around me fall in love, find happiness with partners, plan weddings, and I feel like it's all missing me. Even though it's just the nature of my (radio) business, I feel like I could lose my gig at any minute. And I love my gig.

ach, I'm babbling and wallowing, and it's Saturday night and I'm home alone and I haven't even been drinking. I'm going to sign off before i get any more depressing.