Deprivation and asceticism

I'm realizing that I have this problem in myself, related, I think to a poorer-than-some-of-my-friends upbringing. I've been aware of this previously (see my history with boxed chocolates and holiday candy). But it really hit me today.

After MUCH debating, and phone calls to 2 friends (and consulting with co-workers), I bought a pair of mid-calf black boots for winter. From Nine West. On sale, $55 (1/2 price, they were originally $110). Keep in mind, I normally buy my winter boots from Payless or Target. They've served me fine for years now, and a pair generally lasts 2 years, for $20-25. But I checked at Payless, I checked at Target, and their boots this season weren't right (the heels weren't right, or the boot height on my leg was too short). I went to the discount shoe stores - DSW, Rack Room Shoes - and found nothing. So, after much hand-wringing, consulting, and bargaining with myself (if I bag up and drop off my charity clothes, if I do my filing and home accounting, then I can buy the boots), I bought the boots Monday after work. The girl in the store said I bought the last pair of that style in size 7 black, so it was obviously meant to be. (As a bargain shopper and budget person, I'm a big believer in shopping karma - if you love it, come back, and if it's still there, you were meant to buy it.) I was so wracked with guilt that I called N and had her convince me I made the right decision ($60 / 12 months = $5 month, and I plan on keeping them for at least two years). So, what have I done? They are still sitting in the box. I took them out and looked at them today. And then I put them back, and put on the old, beat up, worn down heel Payless Boots from 2 years ago. My new boots are so nice, I'm afraid to wear them.

And that's a regular thing for me - if something is nice, I'm afraid to wear / eat / open / throw away things. I can make Christmas chocolates last a year. I still have a chocolate bunny my mom sent me from this past Easter, and one from the Easter prior. When B gave me chocolates at Valentines, he made me promise to eat them, and not let them sit in my fridge forever. And, yet, I ended up throwing the box away during the summer with candies still in it.

Back in September, I had KW go shopping with me to get a tank top I really thought was nice, and pretty, and expensive. From Ann Taylor Loft, $40, which is a lot for me. And I've yet to wear it. Partially because of the weather, partially because I haven't had an occasion, but mostly because I won't allow myself to wear something that nice.

I also ordered a winter coat (actually a coat, long) from Target.com. A green and cream tapestry coat that I saw in one store locally, and couldn't find again. I debated that one for nearly a month, and monitored the coat online, watching it go on sale, off sale, then on sale again. I ordered it this weekend (also part of the bargaining), and it arrived today. It's going to be 25 degrees when I go to work tomorrow, and I'm going to go to bed convincing myself to wear the coat and the boots.

I wish I could treat myself more often. I have this guilt and this feeling of not deserving it. You know, the global feeling of there are more important things in this world than that. But it's wasted money if the pretty things just hang out in the closet, unworn. Or the chocolates or whatever go uneaten.

It's not like I'm wearing a hairshirt, consciously practicing asceticism. But I do deny myself pleasures, and I'm trying to figure out why that is. It really isn't right to splurge, and then not do anything with the splurges. I buy the cute clothes and shoes to wear them, and then decide I'm not good enough to wear them out. The food denial, that's a mix of "dieting" and the feeling I don't deserve the good things.

The mixed feelings about good things is why I'm difficult to eat meals out with. I figure if I'm out, I might as well go all out - appetizers, drinks, desserts. And then I feel bad for a while for blowing all that money on something as basic as food.

heck, I won't figure it out tonight. And I'm tired, and need to crawl into the bed, which is now covered with 3 blankets / comforters. It's getting cold here, and they are predicting a 60% chance of snow on Thursday.

Had another group dinner with B last night. As Kiren put it, B and I gravitate towards each other. And ended up talking again. hesh, I don't know. But we're able to get along in public, so that's a good thing, I think.