scattered brain, tired, need to write

1) My friend and career mentor Frank thinks I should post more entries like the one where I went off about the best burgers (In N Out), 'cause it is fun, and I had some good links.

2) My ex S is an alcoholic and drug addict. I knew he had problems when we went out, but he kept the drug part in check when we were dating, up until the end of the long-distance relationship. (Though "accidentally dosed" with 'shrooms is still a joke with my local friends). His use and abuse escalated to the point of actually going into rehab this past summer. Apparently, he developed a wicked coke habit. (As someone who has never even smoked a cigarette, let alone anything stronger, this is shocking to me. But then, drug use is puzzling to me). My brother JD is still friends with him, and I will occasionally find things S has posted on my brother's LJ friend page. Today, I discovered that, because of the self-destructive streak and who knows what else, he engaged in REALLY unsafe activities, possibly before we together. It literally makes me sad and sick.

3) I think back on things with B, and I remember the high points and the low points. I remember the feeling of elation and joy and the highs, the camaraderie and the affection and the comfort and the closeness. And, then, I remember the bad points - the feeling of overwhelming sadness and isolation and wondering how we got there.

4) I've got VH1 on in the background, and they are doing a videos of 2005 countdown. They are on Will Smith's "Switch", which reminds me of 2 things.
a) when the song / video first came out, N and I were talking about the song, and she said, Will Smith done lost his mind.
b) the song was HUGE in late-May/early-June, when B and I took the great PA adventure, and we heard it ALL OVER the radio.

5) Juan's emails are helping me explore my self-denial issues. The thing I didn't talk about in that post is the whole guilt over spending money I don't really have for things that aren't "necessities".

6) I have Christmas gifts to wrap and ship, and others to mail, and I haven't gotten any of that done. Which I need to have done before my birthday next Thursday.

7) I'm a birthday person (those who read this and didn't know that probably don't know me very well). My birthday, my 31st (or, really, the 1st anniversary of my 30th birthday) is next week. I have NO PLANS for my birthday. I will probably be at home watching Joey. The radio show goes on break that day, so it's my last day of hard work for 2 weeks. My Memphis core friends are either out of town (K&W) or going to their office party (K&D, B). I don't want to be pathetic about it, but I'm kinda bummed.

8) I really want to stop being a narcissist. I want to focus on other things, other people.

9) I'm really looking forward to the holidays and the visit to my folks' house. And yet I'm not. It's only going to be Mom, Dad, my baby sister BB, and me. No other sibs. And I don't know people in the town they live in. But it will be nice to get out of my environs here.

I don't know how much sense I make these days. But I think it's best to get the stories and ideas and emotions out. Maybe they will "process" easier this way.