Perspective Epiphany, courtesy of Nicole

Nicole, the genius, called me up just a little while ago with this to ponder. She said she had one of those days with people quibbling over the little shit to give her a big picture epiphany.

It's all about perspective.

Does B make me happy? Does the happiness I get being with him outweigh the sadness?

If the answer is yes, that he makes me happy, and I could deal with the sadness because of the happiness, then screw the rest.
If he doesn't, if I think that I could be happier with someone else, that I could live with my current sadness because I believe there is someone out there who could make me happier, than that's the answer.

I think I got that right. Nicole, if you read this, and I'm screwing it all up, let me know.

oh, and special thanks to Jen for the handy-dandy cut-and-paste monologue for the next time I'm talking to B.

other random thoughts:
this is the first time in nearly 5 years that I am making decisions for myself, by myself.

When I moved here, I was still with S, and was always thinking of him. You know, I figured he'd move out here to be with me, and I was always kind of planning with him in mind. I got a two-bedroom apartment (that I could barely afford), so we'd have space. I didn't get a lot of furniture, 'cause I thought he'd bring his with. And so on.

I was definitely always thinking of B when we together (and even during our "off" periods). That was actually one of our bones of contention. I would always think of the effects of anything (a possible new job, a move, a trip, etc) on "us", whereas, though my opinion mattered, the decisions he made were always with himself first in priority. We consulted each other (as friends and lovers do) about things, but I think I sometimes took his opinion more seriously than I took my own.

it's like, I'm just remembering how to think on my own, for myself, and to trust my own opinion.
something to ponder