Death of Innocence and other random stuff

oh, my gosh, I think I just died a little. I sat down to write this, and I am CRINGING!
I just saw / heard the new Kraft Crumbles cheese ad, and it's a take-off on EMF's "unbelievable" - "they're 'crumb-believable'". As the guys I work with would say, I feces you negative. I feel like a little part of my adolescence just died.

so, what I sat down to write was that B came by the bookstore today. I was in the back of the store, doing some internet store business, when I heard someone ask the artists where I was. The artist (Donna B) told the person I was in the back, and then hollered at me. I hurried up to the front of the store, and there was B. Said he wanted to come by and see me and see that I was okay and would be okay with Thanksgiving. We actually talked for quite a while, probably 1 1/2 hours - 2 hours. About work, family, personal stuff, our breakup, our friends, etc. I saw the truck; it's nice. He told me his busybody old lady spinster neighbor has asked him regularly if he and I got back together. Also, that his parents don't like me right now, as I'm not talking to him.

It's too weird, really. He says he misses me. I pressed him, and asked if he REALLY missed ME, or just someone to shop and watch TV with. He said he hasn't been to the club except for once since we split, and that he doesn't want to go anymore, that he's trying to be a better person.

I told him that there was no way we could get back together, that he took care of that by something he said to me on my couch. "You didn't really think I was the one, did you?" haunts me, and reminds me that I can do better.

He apologized (again) for being an asshole, for the things he said and didn't say, for what happened between us.

It was weird, it was awkward, it was us just hanging and chatting for a moment, and then there was me crying. The usual b-jess moments.

Me trying to explain to him why the space and time was so important, why I needed to not him around, to not fall back into old habits, etc.

Did I mention he told me how good I looked? At one point, I pulled my hair down from the hairclip twist I had it in, and fluffed it. I said, if I had known you were coming by, I would have put on the lipstick I had thought about putting on, and he said, really quietly, you don't need lipstick. He also said I looked good, looked thinner.

He said he thought maybe I already had a new boyfriend, as he didn't know what was up with me. That I was a catch.

It was so confusing. I didn't want him there, sort of, but I couldn't stop talking to him. I don't know if this is making any sense. I felt sick and sad, and confused and stuff.

And the worst part of it, is that prior to B coming into the store, I had a great conversation with a fellow in movie production who had lived out west. it was west coast / Los Angeles / movie business bonding, and it was great fun.

You know, too, when I was driving to the bookstore today, I heard an ad / radio promo for the new Barenaked Ladies Holiday CD, and I thought, I should get that for B for Christmas.

I don't know that I'm making any sense, but I thought I'd put it out here.

Happy Thanksgiving!