more mental swimming

on the good front:
got my hair cut and colored today. A new, deeper red-brown (for the autumn/winter). Shorter hair, too. Razor cut. Took a while. Sarah rocks! (and I thanked her again for the great Halloween party last weekend)
ticked off another thing on my to do list - whilst at the salon today, I had my eyebrows shaped (waxed). They were really nice about it, said I had great brows, and just "cleaned them up".

went out with co-workers last night. We were celebrating our success in the radio ratings. Ran late (due to my weekly Pilates lesson & a weird traffic slow-down on the highway). Got there after some people I wanted to see had left. But followed the group to another bar, where I drank Shirley Temples (I don't like drinking on work nights, what with getting up early and all that) and had a hamburger. Watched co-workers get tanked, and as our crowd thinned out, ended up joining a nearby table of guys who were playing bar trivia, to further assist them in their quest. Still a little mad at myself for hosing a question, answering the wrong author. Near the end of my evening, one of the guys asked to walk me to my car, and I turned him down, saying I'd be fine. But I did take his number. His name was Mortez, and I haven't decided whether I will call him. It was nice to be paid attention to, anyway, and made me feel attractive and interesting.

a list of random thoughts I jotted down yesterday as I was heading to my nap, things that have been floating around in my head for days. In no particular order, with some embellishment and thought applied today.
I miss B. How can I not?
I don't want to get back together. How could I want to get back together with someone who told me straight out that I wasn't the one?
I was doing things, planning things, making plans thinking I was building our future together.
Still, I'm a little mad that he didn't try harder to get me back.
It's funny, he was respecting my wishes and not calling, but I think I secretly hoped he would send flowers, show up on my doorstep, etc.
Why didn't he want me when he had me, when we were together? Why does he miss me and want me now that I'm gone?
He's the one who caused this... He broke up with me. I just finally followed through with the actual breaking up.
He wanted his cake. He wanted to still have me in his life, without the 'stress' and commitments of being committed.
It's going to take more than a truck to erase me. (Just like it's going to take more than putting my jewelry away to erase him.)
I still can't believe he bought a truck. I helped him get the last car, and I can't help but wonder if he got rid of the last car because of that.
(My friend Kiren said that the car was "a really big lipstick", you know, something you run out and buy to make you feel better and more attractive - lipstick, shoes, a great dress.)
Why can't my mind rest? I still don't feel like I've slept much, or of any effectiveness, in weeks.
I'm out there, living and doing and working and going. But this, him, is always in the back of my mind.

I promise to follow up on the random stories I need to post soon. Brain swimming, time for bed, can't seem to get any resolution.

Trying to pull together my holiday plans - Christmas in NH with parents, and bb. What about Thanksgiving? Still trying to decide if I'm staying in town or going away.

thanks to everyone who has been following this and posting replies and sending me emails and phone calls and texts. It's really reassuring to know that I have people who care, who are in my corner through it all. And, my apologies if I've been a tiresome bore, stuck on the same topic for months.