Watch me unravel...

I haven't blogged in over a month... really closer to a month and a half.
I've been crazy busy, but that's only part of it.

I have a list of topics I've been meaning to write about, if I only found the time:
the bachelorette party weekend to Nash Vegas
The amazing adventures of Cello Huntley
Recent Dates (correlary: guys who don't 'believe' in telelvision, methphysical dude)
Fascinating people at Farmers' Market
Find Jess on the PushPilates website
taking T's kids roller skating

At the beginning of July, it transpired that my direct boss, the Program Director (PD), was no longer with my station. The effect of this was that a lot of his duties were spread over the people who work at our station. Then, in August, one of the midday talent quit to take a job in another market. So, even more slack and planning had to be picked up. At this point, we've been without a PD for 2 1/2 months. Scheduling people to work has been split between the GM (who is herself in charge of 4 stations in our 'cluster') and the promotions director (who is responisble for our rock station and the country station). Our music is being done by someone offsite (the VP of Rock - no, seriously, that's his job title) and I'm the point person for logs, imaging, and other such. What this means, in short, is that I have been working my bootay off, extra hours, extra duties, extra exhuastion. I've been really spread thin, and it's been difficult on me and everyone else.

I come home from work, later than I want to (usuallly closer to 4 pm), and pass out (except on days when I can't, like my every-other-week on Mondays appt with my therapist, or my tuesday pilates class). I pass out, wake up in time to eat something, stare blankly at the TV, and go back to sleep. I have evenings where I don't talk to another person, except for maybe the girl in the drive-thru window. I haven't had the energy to write.

In the same time period since I last blogged, I have quit the used bookstore. I've had my Sundays back, which i've used to be a slug, or get errands done. I miss the income, but that wasn't really happening near the end, either.

My baby sister, B, has started college, moving cross-country to do so. My parents have moved, leaving New England and landing in the Midwest, and are now in the same time zone as I am.

I've been on a date or two, and added those to my list of glad I've done it, wish I didn't have to do it again.

My friend (and T's SO), G, has been to visit twice (in july and august), and she's been to visit him. When she went to visit him, I took her two girls to their school's skate night at a roller rink, and got on roller skates for the first time in years. My legs and feet were still more used to ice skates, and I kept on stopping ice-skate style (sideways) instead of roller-style (with the stopper). It was fun, and her younger one, despite falling on her booty and hands and noggin, kept on getting up and going again. But, spending time with two smart active kids in a room full other kids put me off of kids for at least a little while.

I researched and bought online an outfit for my friend's K&D's wedding (on October 28). Wanna see? It came in Friday's FedEx (after a call from FedEx International, asking me about my package from Pakistan and whether it was for personal use).

I've discovered that The Gap has discontinued my fave scent, Gap Scents woven cassis. this was, of course, when I went to buy some more because I'm almost out.

My friend Juan wrote me an email about relationships and time, and it got me thinking. In some way, it spurred me to write again. time is the most precious commodity we can offer to those we care about.

so, I'm going to post this for now, and get back to it again soon.

Lists about women

from prep services from work... are these true or not?

There Are 8 Types of Women With Serious Dating Hang-Ups
(CLEVELAND, OHIO) Some women find themselves in their mid-30s and without a committed relationship. Often times, they're stuck in a rut because of psychological issues. A shrink has labeled 8 traps women can get themselves into.

Old Faithful -- She desires the one she can't have, and can't move forward
The Standstill -- She's concentrated on her career and ignored her social life
Forbidden Fruit Hunter - Gets involved with men who are married
Uptown Girl - Attracted only to men with money
Compassionate Rescuer -- Looks for men with problems (or boys in the band)
The Wanderer - She always has a lover or potential boyfriend on the side
Whirlwind Dater - Constantly dating, but never with one guy for very long
Runaway Bride -- She's great at getting into relationships, but once it's time to make a commitment, she finds an escape hatch


SEVEN FRIENDS WOMEN DON'T NEED
Proceed with caution if you hear a woman say, "I just never really got along with women... I usually hang out with the guys." You know my theory... When you're the only girl in the room, you're the hottest girl in the room. These types of women are not interested in being your friend because they'd rather be the center of attention in a room full of guys.

Here are seven types of friends no woman needs, according to Lifetimetv.com.

The whiner -- Every day, everywhere, she complains about everything wrong in her life.
The leech -- She's only friends with you because of what you can do for her and her pitiful social life.
The busy bee -- The woman who is always running around, too busy for her friends.
The chatterbox -- All she does is talk about herself.
The adviser -- She's always trying to give you unsolicited advice on how to run your life.
The dumper -- Whenever something or someone better comes up, she kicks you to the curb.
The bragger -- She's always bragging about her expensive clothing, her great job, hot boyfriend, or exotic places she's traveled. Shut up, already!

Another list of random things

Okay, this is another random entry...
this time, to clear notes that have accumulated around my home, on scraps of paper and sticky notes. I'm trying to live a more clutter-free life, so here's getting rid of the notes, and recording them onto the Interwebs for posterity's sake.

People I've lost track of (that I wish I hadn't)
most of them from my life in Eugene
Colin Morgan - a good male friend from that time period, who I met through a guy who was in my stand-up comedy group. From the house of the questionably heterosexual, took a road trip to a college friend's wedding with me. Moved away to Chicago to architecture school about the same time I moved back to LA for Comedy World. Lost email touch, have no idea where he is these days.
Brett Lieberman - a friend of Jen's from Ohio who I became email (pen) pals with, and who I actually met in person when he came to Oregon to visit. Lost email touch. I'm sure he still lives in Ohio.
Kurt Loyd - dated briefly in Eugene, worked at the student radio station with me. Broke my heart, 'cause he strung me along. Was a few years older than me. Contacted me by email a few times, was shocked by my honesty over being heartbroken. His email addresses are no good.
Kris Hansen (Kristin James Broder Hansen) - was a friend of a musician I knew, Lael Alderman. Lived in Portland when I lived in Eugene. Dated briefly, long distance, and intensely. Broke up with me because it was too much for him. We stayed in touch by letter for a while, but then lost email touch when I was dating B.
Jeff Marion - co-worker from Harvest House publishers who shared musical interests and listened to my radio program.

(if you know where any of these people are, please let me know... They popped into my head one night of nostalgia and melancholy)

Just over two weeks ago, after a conversation with the pastoral counselor I've been seeing (therapist, but not a shrink), I went online and took a facsimile of a Myers-Briggs Personality Test. My results, on two different sites, were ENFJ (Extrovert Intuition Feeling Judging). I decided to take it after we discussed my extroversion, and some of the parts of my personality that I'm working on.

MUSIC I WANT TO LOOK INTO:
Mat Kearney, Nothing to Lose (song) - saw on middle of the night VH1
Ian Brown - British singer
The Scruffs - Wanna Meet the Scruffs (original album) & Teenage Gurls (album) - read about in a magazine on a shift at the bookstore. Reminiscent of Big Star and influence Clash, Nick Lowe.

random ramblings and life round-up

So, my life has been busy recently. Good, bad, and the rest, but busy.

I've worked late every day this week. We had a local power outtage on Monday that took all four of our radio stations off the air for almost an hour, and then intermittently for the rest of the day. Yesterday and today, a corporate guy was in to help interview candidates for a new PD and to help fix some problems. So, I sat with him today for about an hour and half and learned a program i didn't know prior. And, I've been getting to know the PD on the country station, and he's a great person who really knows radio and programming and talent.

I have been dating someone for a few months, a friends of a friend. We broke up on Sunday, over the phone. It was the first time in my life where I was glad to hear that it wasn't me, it was him. Because it was. It was also my first "mutual" breakup without acrimony. It just wasn't working, and we both knew it. And, there is no anger, but there is also no point in trying to make something work that isn't, especially if it isn't working in the early stages. He's someone I could see staying in touch with, so I'll try at it.

I'm thinking about doing standup again. 'Cause I really like making people laugh. For this, I need to start writing again, and then i'll try 'em out at Comedy TN open mike night. I've been told over and over again (admittedly, by friends) that my observations and the way I say things is unique and funny. But I haven't been on-stage performing since a bad show in Eugene, so it's a big challenge to myself.

Have you heard about Mel Gibson's spectacular breakdown? I want a t-shirt that says "Sugartits". If you know of one available online, tell me! Otherwise, I have to add it to my list of t-shirts I need made. I'm still searching for a local screenprinter or iron-on t-shirt shop, but I will use the internets if I have to for all my funny things I want to have on a t-shirt.

I'm going away for the weekend, a girl's weekend away with my friend Kiren and a couple of her work girlfriends, organized by her work girlfriend Emily (who was in Belly Dancing classes with us). We're staying in a suite, getting massages, going shopping, and exploring Nashville. Should be fun, and i've been saving up money to do this, so I'm psyched.

sitting in driveways in trucks with boys

I need to write about this while it's still fairly fresh.

I went to Pilates this morning (as I do every Saturday) and had a tougher workout than usual, which is a little odd because it was an intro class, but I've had a stressful work, so I think I had more stuff to work out of my muscles than normal.

After class, I got my weekly cardio by walking to Starbucks to get a drink. I saw a familiar truck in the driveaway, a Chevy with MBY plates. Feeling confident from my workout, I walked up and tapped on the window. And said hi to W and B.

I chatted with them for a bit, but they were heading to the drive through. I went in, got my drink, and came out. They were still in the drive-through lane, so I went up, tapped again, and got in the backseat to talk to them for a minute. We caught up on this and that, and they went to drive me back to my car (at the parking lot in the Pilates studio). We ended up chatting for nearly an hour, catching up on nearly everything. It was funny and fun and pleasant and barely awkward.

I'm not in love with B again. I am over him, 'cause being around him was without too much stress. It was catching up with someone who you used to know who you have stories with, and about whom you are still concerned, but not personally invested.

But it was nice to talk to both of them again. it's like I wrote about a week or two ago, after seeing W's truck... I missed them, honestly.

I don't know. I guess I'm not making much sense now. All I know is, it was nice to catch up with them. And not have the awkward, too much.

Radio is a sound salvation

an article, forwarded to me by my friend (and former co-worker), Tonya, with this note:

Take a look at this article about our beloved mistress...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/20/radio/index.html

makes some damn good points. Heck, I would love to work for a satellite radio station. I've applied before, a few times, to jobs on both networks. Which are both based out of NYC. And which both don't necessarily need people that do what I do (though my skillsets have increased since my last applications).

the state of my chosen industry is considered bleak by many. At least I have my secretarial and writing skills to fall back on. Sadly, as I've noted before, I make more money doing admin or accounting work than I do in radio. So, I've got that going for me...

Survey: Bloggers are young Internet users

Fark.com comment:
Study finds majority of bloggers are under 30, overly dramatic and completely self-absorbed.

jess' comment:
really? except for my mom, who has been consistently blogging for three years. oh, and my friend Frank, who has been blogging for over a year... and my friend Bean.
oh, and me. I'm over 30, and just a little self-absorbed. :)

Survey: Bloggers are young Internet users
Wed Jul 19, 1:58 PM ET

Bloggers are a predominantly young group of Internet users who are novice storytellers, enjoy describing their own experiences and have a growing audience in the online world.

A glimpse of this group was put together by the Pew Internet & American Life Project .

The survey found that almost one in 10 Internet users are bloggers and the audience for this group of online diarists is growing. Almost four in 10 of the approximately 147 million adult Internet users in this country say they read blogs.

The people they are reading on the online blogs are a young, ethnically diverse group. They are mostly newcomers to writing — often writing about their own experiences. More than half of bloggers are under age 30. They were most likely to list their life and events as the most popular topic, followed by politics and entertainment.

The poll findings are based on a sample of 4,573 Internet users with a margin of error of plus or minus 2 percentage points and a sample from a separate survey of 233 bloggers with a margin of error of plus or minus 7 percentage points.
___

Pot Purry for $500, Alex

another random thoughts post, 'cause I don't have time to put together big thoughts...

my cystic acne hasn't gotten any better. I've been off of OCs for over 4 months, and a) my skin hasn't cleared and b) my periods are still irregular. Fun. I'm even taking Chaste Berry (Vitex) daily, along with my multi-vitamins and daily (generic) claritin. I even did a mask tonight to try to help my skin. And, still, I've got big weird spots on my forehead, my chin is an oil slick, and the tops of my arms are spotted. Nothing sexier than spots and zits, especially at 31 years of age.

I hate MF Time Warner RoadRunner digital cable internet. My internet has been intermittent (at best) for over 2 weeks. Very frustrating. Oh, and, the digital cable is cutting out during "Project Runway". Super annoying.

why did my (new and annoying) upstairs neighbor decide to have loud annoying relations at 3:30 am today? 15 minutes before my alarm goes off, and I'm awoken to the noises of loud sex (male and female joyful expressive noises) and the furniture moving. And I can't go back to sleep, 'cause I'm about to get up for work.

And, by the way, hearing other people do it is not sexy. It's annoying. I've now heard my next door neighbors have living room sex and these new upstairs girls have early morning sex. And, it's not a jealousy thing. It's just annoying to have to listen to when you are trying to watch TV (as last fall-winter with the next door neighbors) or get the last 15 minutes of sleep (this morning). I don't know why people always think it would be arousing or exciting to hear someone else getting it nine ways to Sunday.

I can't go into any details, but suffice it to say that work has been stressful for the past two weeks. So that all I want to do is come home and sleep, and eat something at some point, and maybe have a bit of social life.

ach, I don't know... life is never simple, you know? You just plug away and hope it all works out okay.

(oh, my grandma called me last week... and amongst the things we discussed, she said my grandpa was thinking he needed to send us manuals on how to make them some great-grandbabies. I told her that we all knew how, but we just weren't there yet.)

Miss Me Much?

I had an experience today that brought to mind the question, why can you miss someone, and yet know you really can't talk to them again?

(I'm not talking about deaths, which is a whole 'nother conundrum.) I'm talking about live people, that you've stopped being friends with consciously.

Today, I went to Home Depot to buy new hardware for a dresser I bought from a co-worker. Of course, it's not simple... the space between the screws on the handles for this dresser was 3 1/2 inches. Bet you didn't know that the standard is 3 inches. I had ONE choice of handle. Luckily, it was in the silvery chrome color I prefer, and though it is not the perfect handle, it's better (in my opinion) than the old fashioned pulls that were on the drawers.

On my drive home, I was looking around (as I do), and noticed a truck that looked like my (former) friend W's in the parking lot of Heavenly Hoagie. I checked the plate (as I do), and realized that it was indeed W's. His wife, K, had once pointed out that the first 3 letters sounded out MOBY, so it stuck in my mind. Seeing his truck started a series of thoughts - if he was there, and B's truck was not, that meant they were probably there together. (The hoagie shop is a particular favorite of B's). It was a Saturday errand day, so it makes logical sense.

And the thing that struck me is that I miss W. He's a gentle soul, a genuine person, who loves his friends. I haven't seen or talked to W since he dropped me at the airport in March, after which his wife accused me of ridiculous things and hidden evil motives. Because of that, and because she couldn't bring herself to apologize for her actions and words, I cut off relations with K (and by extension W). And post-B-break-up, I haven't been in a social situation with them since February.

I miss them. Once, they (we) were good friends. I was a bridesmaid in their wedding (and B was a groomsman, in one of our many broken-up periods, natch). I helped them with the wedding preparations. I used to go shopping with K. They would have me over to their house to hang and eat, even during the initial-post-break-up awkwardness, when they would balance their time with either of us.

But deep down, I always knew when (and sadly, i think I knew it was a "when", not an "if") B and I broke up, that I would lose them. One way or another, I would lose them, because B had known W first, and that's how things go. We all tried for a while after B and I broke up, but when it became clear that there was not going to be a reunion, things became even more awkward than they had been.

I miss them, though. And yet, I know, like i've known when other friendships have died or sputtered out, that it's not ever going to be the same. And that I need to stick to my guns, and remember that I don't need people who don't actually like or trust me in my life.

But that doesn't mean I can't miss them, and miss the memories. And miss the good times.

(god, I'm really melancholy tonight).

T tonight pointed out to me that I've had a lot of change in my life recently. In the past year-and-a-half, pretty much everything but my car and home have changed. In March 2005, I quit my job. March - June 2005, I worked an office job with B, W, and AJ. June 2005, met B's family. July 2005, started Pilates. August 2005, B breaks up with me. August 2005, go to Kentucky with Mom & Dad, bring some family drama to light. September 2005, start the new job. September 2005, after a disastrous social outting where everyone tried to pretend it wasn't awkward and weird to be in a group after B&I broke up, cut off relations with B. December 2005-January 2006, attempt social relationship with B. December 2005, turn 31. January & February 2006, make attempts to start dating again. March 2006, cut off all contact with B, W, & K. June 2006, start therapy to help deal with some of the stuff floating around in my head. All 2006, work, live, go out with friends, make new friends, do Pilates, give up dairy, start drinking soy lattes, date, relate, work and so on.

and I feel like my life is still insecure, that it could all fall apart at any minute. People around me fall in love, find happiness with partners, plan weddings, and I feel like it's all missing me. Even though it's just the nature of my (radio) business, I feel like I could lose my gig at any minute. And I love my gig.

ach, I'm babbling and wallowing, and it's Saturday night and I'm home alone and I haven't even been drinking. I'm going to sign off before i get any more depressing.