Sounds of Silence

I haven't talked to another human being since 2:30 pm today, when Tonya called me to set up a coffee date for next week. Thank god for my friends checking in on me.

Seriously, though, other than speaking out loud to myself or laughing at the TV or singing along with a song on the TV, I've barely used my voice since I awoke from my nap at 5:30 ish.

I think that's one of the biggest changes in my life. When I was with B, even when we were "on a break" but still hanging out, I knew that I would have someone to talk to if I was bored, or someone to call to go get food, or someone to call for a goodnight. Also, my phone rang more when B and I were talking... for the same reason. I was his boredom / go get food / goodnight call.

The other thing, and I've mentioned this to some of my friends, even going to the point of mentioning to D&Z&MB the other morning, is that I don't have anyone as a "dead person checker." You know, the person who would notice if you were dead. It's a concern of mine, as I live by myself, don't really know my neighbors, and only have a cell phone for a telephone. It could take days for people to realize I wasn't around.

When I worked at my old radio job, I knew my friend and co-worker Tonya would call me if I didn't show up, and if she didn't get ahold of me, she would call B or come over my house and check on me. I would occasionally drive into work at 4:30 am and see cars wrecked on the side of the road, and realize that could be me, without anyone to notice for a while. I knew B would notice if he hadn't heard from me in a while, and call and / or drive by to check up - plus, he knew my landlords, and they would let him in. At one point, my paranoia was such that I made sure he had a key for that reason.

But my current co-workers, they would just think I got drunk, and fell out of bed, and that's why I wasn't answering my phone. It would probably take them 2 days to notice me missing, and to go to the office authorities for my "emergency call" (which goes to my parents in NH).

I don't talk to any of my local friends daily. Actually, right now the person I talk to most often on the phone is my friend Jen, who lives in Phoenix. I have a standing Pilates appointment with Kiren on Saturdays, and we usually play phonemail on Friday to confirm. I talk to Karin once or twice a week since the breakup, and her workplace is close to my home. She's the only person out there currently with a key to my apartment, left over from when B & I went to PA and I needed my mail taken in. But it could still be days until anyone noticed.

I think that's one of the saddest things, really, about living alone in a city where you have no family, and a small social circle, and a job whose hours keep you isolated (more than the normal 8-5 type schedule).

I did get MB, the sports guy from the radio show and a fellow Midtown resident, to promise me that if I didn't show up to work, and they hadn't heard from me, that he would check up. Small consolation, though, really.

I'm melancholy, PMS-ing, and really feeling isolated. I also realized that I don't know if I have any contentedness or satisfaction in my life. And I gotta get to some level of those before I figure the rest out.

I know from my (our) friends that B misses me greatly. And I miss his presence in my life. But as I continue to be separate from him, I'm realizing there are things I don't miss.

I don't miss his making fun of my laugh lines (well-earned wrinkles around my eyes), or my big boobs (seriously, what guy wishes his GF's boobs were smaller, and how do I keep picking them?), or the way I dance (a little too "black" for his Yankee white-boy tastes), or how loudly I talk or laugh (those things, to me, are part of who I am). I don't miss his negativity about other people (how bad they drive, how bad the service is, etc).

I do miss someone knowing the foods and shops and other things I like. I do miss not having to drive everywhere. I do miss having someone to watch TV and movies with.

hmm, well, it's past my bedtime, and I feel that I'm skipping from subject to subject. Another blog entry down.

Oh, on the vice tip:
Today, very good. Oatmeal with dried fruit for dinner, veggie pasta for lunch, no chocolate.
Yesterday, very bad. Wendy's for lunch, including a biggie fries (which I polished off), cheeseburger, and a monster rootbeer soda. And dinner was worse - splitting an appetizer latter, plus fries, at Perkins.
oh, and I pursued retail therapy again yesterday - bought this great dressy gauzy tank top thingie at Ann Taylor loft. $44, not on sale. Took Karin to give me the thumbs up on it. then bought a pair of jeans at the Gap for $20 (originally 50-something, so good sale). and the jeans were in my smaller size, thanks to the Pilates and the breakup diet. so, some good news in the whole thing, I guess.