"I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it"

Did you win anything in the big $220 million Powerball drawing last (Wednesday) night?
I did. I do the $5 quick pick, no powerplay. And I had, on one of my 5 lines, the powerball, number 24. So , I won $3. First time in a long while! I suppose if I had dropped an additional dollar per ticket on the powerplay, I could have had 4 times the money. But $3 is cool. And next time the jackpot gets above $100 million, i'll start playing again.

So, I'm surprised I forgot to post this yesterday. I've found out that an ex-boyfriend is getting married. Next week. And I never would have known had I not dropped a quick note to his childhood best friend.

Now, before you get all weird, his childhood best friend edits a blog, called "Deadspin", about sports. When Tim and I were dating, Will was dating a girl named Jess as well. And he moved out to LA to work on a newspaper. So, I knew Will socially. He's a good guy, and I've kept in touch with him, peripherally, over the years. He's worked on a few different print and internet media, and as I come across his name on mastheads, I drop him a line to say hey.

The other day, I was reading Deadspin, and noticed all the references to the editor's love of the St. Louis Cardinals. The only major league baseball games I have ever been to were Dodgers v. Cardinals, both with Tim. Memphis' minor league team, the Memphis Redbirds, is farm club for the St. Louis Cardinals. And the new St. Louis Cardinals park, Busch Stadium, looks like Memphis Redbirds' stadium, AutoZone Park.

So, I dropped Will a note to that effect, and got an email back saying hey, and that he was heading to LA for Tim's wedding. Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I went to Wedding Channel and looked up his wedding details. All I can say from the registry is, she's got expensive tastes. That, and she must not be Catholic (the religion he was raised in), as the wedding and reception are being held at the same place, and neither is in a church.

The weird thing is my reaction to this. This isn't really the first ex who is getting married. Russ got married years ago, and I think I might have heard they may have kids now. And when he was planning on getting married, I was genuinely happy for him, for he seemed happy. But I don't really know about my exes; if they have been married, I just don't know about it. I'm not a person who really keeps in touch with my exes - that's just a reality of who I am and how I've lived. I think it's difficult to stay social and friendly with someone who you've shared so much, and who is associated with happiness and loss. A few exes I keep up with (my brother is still social with at least two of mine), but not directly.

And, Tim, well, we broke up and then I moved to Eugene. He had fallen out of love with me, but stayed with me because he didn't know how to say it. So, when I moved to Eugene, I really had no interest in staying in touch. And I found out from mutual friends that he was telling people the best way to deal with a break-up was to have her move away, so you didn't have to deal with it. So, I was a little bitter. When I moved back to LA, I phoned him up to catch up. And I emailed with him once or twice when I was living in LA. But we haven't really been in touch, and I was just fine with that.

I've thought about him recently, as I've been reviewing my life and loves and all that. And we weren't a great match, but he was the right guy in my life at that time. The year I graduated I wasn't really ready for the real world, and having a boyfriend who was still in college helped. He was a film student, in a fraternity, and, when it started, really liked me. The year I graduated I was living with my Aunt Vickie. Tim and I saw a lot of movies. He bought me flowers. And I got to play dress up and go to dances.

I always thought that when I found out an ex was marrying, I would be upset, but that hasn't bene the case. When Russ got married, I was happy for him; as much as I liked his parents and they liked me, Russ and I would have driven each other nuts. I know that now. And my reaction to Tim's impending wedding is more along the lines of, "hey, isn't that interesting? I used to know and love that guy. I hope he's happy and making a good decision for himself."

It also makes me feel old, like life is moving on and leaving me behind in the dust. All these people I once loved are moving to the next stage in their lives, a stage I would like to reach. And Tim is in LA, so he's getting married at the right marrying age (30) for that area.

So, yeah, I don't know... I think I'm happy for him, but i'm mostly disappointed in myself for not finding that happiness for myself yet. And, I know, all in due time. But still...