Billy Joel, Phone Calls & Flowers

Oh, gosh, so much today...

6:10 am at work, D plays Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire"; I feel slightly melancholy. I know every lyric (Billy Joel was my second concert, on the Storm Front tour). It was a favorite song long before him (B). It was also a torture song; in his car, he had 3 Billy Joel CD's loaded, and would throw on that song and blast it.

It had me feeling numbish. Also, D asked if he and still lived near each other, and was that weird. I said, not so much, as we haven't really seen each other since Sunday, and hey, at least we never moved in together.

I ended up staying at work until 1:30-ish, and was driving home down Poplar (debating whether and where to stop for food), when my phone rang from B. I let it go to voicemail, checked the message, ("give me a call when you get this"), and phone back, trying to be brusque when I spoke to him. He asked me where I was ("driving home from work"), if I could come by. I asked why, and he said to give me my stuff. I said his stuff was still at my house, and he said it was okay. I stopped and got gas along the way, and did a drive through car-wash. I even put on lipgloss, so he wouldn't try to kiss me or anything, and we couldn't get too close.

When I got there, I parked on the street (not in the drive) and walked up. He answered the door, and produced a bunch of flowers, and then pulled me into a hug. He told me he knows he's been an asshole, he's missed me like mad the past two days, and he realized he doesn't like not having me around. He says everything reminds him of me, and the house just isn't the same without me. He also said something about long-term, but it was vague-ish, and not enough.

Shocking myself, I actually said I wasn't willing to get back together yet. That I'd just started to relearn who I am, and get back in touch with myself and my wants and needs. He kept on hugging me, and holding my hands, and not letting go. He looked good, he had shaved, he smelled of his old Burberry cologne, and I had to keep reminding myself why I couldn't got back there. He tried to kiss me; I turned away.

We talked for a while, about what had happened with us in the past, and what I've been learning. What people have been telling me. Karin called it a "very surreal relationship. It was getting harder to describe every month, let alone live in". My brother Marc, who lives across the country and who I only talk to on the phone, told me I hadn't seemed happy in a while. Pretty much everyone told me I deserved better than I was getting... The weird part is, I was so involved in it that I didn't realize how odd and weird it had really become.

And it's that awareness I don't want to lose. The awareness of me, and who I am, and what I do or don't want from life. It's not necessarily that I do or don't want him, I just need to know who I am and what I want before I can make that decision.

I told him I wanted more than what we had been, that I no longer wanted to be a habit or something to fill time, for anyone. He said he didn't want to go back to there, and that, if I decided to get back with him, he'd try harder.

But it basically ended with "the ball in my court", that I can take all the time I need for now, and to be in touch when / if I'm ready to. I asked him, honestly, what did he expect would happen when he presented the flowers, and told me he loved me and missed me. Did he expect me to say, I love you, I miss you, I'll take you back, and we'd go off and make love? He said he hadn't really thought that far, but that he thought this was what I would want.

I took the flowers, most of my stuff from his house (boombox, hammer, slippers, rubbermaid containers, a CD that had been in his car; I realized when I got home that I forgot the bathroom stuff) hugged him and went home.

I'm still sort of ambivalent about the whole episode. I'm flattered and complimented about the flowers, as they are only the second ones he's ever given me in 2 1/2 years (and the only other time was my past birthday, my 30th). He actually remembered what roses I like best, and put some effort into it. He's also been thinking, and trying to figure himself and his feelings out, and has realized and admitted that he's not been the best a lot, and has put me through a lot in the past 2 years.

But, seriously, I'm also mad. Did he think he could buy me off with a bunch of flowers and some words of love.

I actually realized that if he showed up with a ring today, I would turn him down. And that's a pretty amazing realization, as that's something I've been aiming for. But a ring and a promise doesn't change the situation, which was him taking me for granted, and me letting him, and slowly sublimating myself and my personality along the way.

When B and I were talking, I told him something I've realized to be true. I want someone like our friend Wayne - he ADORES his wife. His face lights up when he talks about her, he brings her flowers for no reason ("just because") and will do almost anything to make her happy. I want someone who likes and loves me like that, and who finds my quirks endearing, not just annoying. I don't want someone to "put up with" my oddities; I want someone who likes me because I'm a little odd.

I'm proud of myself for standing my ground, and insisting on more time apart. Things don't get fixed in 2 or 3 days apart. Don't get me wrong; if you've been reading this, you know it hasn't been easy on me either. The hardest part, aside from always wanting to call him, has been bedtime. I don't have anyone to say goodnight to; I've had that the whole time I've lived here, it's something that helps me fall asleep. And watching TV by myself is lonely.

But I'm getting through it, and I hope that I'll come out the other end stronger, and with a stronger sense of self and goals and needs and wants.

Words of wisdom from my friends:
It takes a lot of courage to give up something that's comfortable and start all over again. (Jen)
you need and definitely deserve better than what you were getting. You have no idea how glad I am that you are not going to settle for less. (Nicole)
you deserve to be with someone who knows you are a great catch (Kiren)
You were too good for him; you need someone a little more vivacious and fun. You'll end up in a better place emotionally, it's just the journey that sucks. (Alyson, who also offered to buy me a man whore if we were in the same city)

Today's vices:
1 hershey's kiss, one mini reese's peanut butter cup (both from my Christmas ziploc, and both wrapped in green foil, as I need to keep the colors straight when eating candies)
1 ghiradelli mint chocolate square (also from the Christmas ziploc)
1 or 2 handfuls of candy corn / indian corn mix, brought over as depression candy by Karin
(I feel like I should be getting wasted or something, but that's just not me).

tomorrow is another day... and the flowers will hang out and remind me of today.