jessica's diary

Watch me unravel...

2006-09-24T10:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in over a month... really closer to a month and a half.
I've been crazy busy, but that's only part of it.

I have a list of topics I've been meaning to write about, if I only found the time:
the bachelorette party weekend to Nash Vegas
The amazing adventures of Cello Huntley
Recent Dates (correlary: guys who don't 'believe' in telelvision, methphysical dude)
Fascinating people at Farmers' Market
Find Jess on the PushPilates website
taking T's kids roller skating

At the beginning of July, it transpired that my direct boss, the Program Director (PD), was no longer with my station. The effect of this was that a lot of his duties were spread over the people who work at our station. Then, in August, one of the midday talent quit to take a job in another market. So, even more slack and planning had to be picked up. At this point, we've been without a PD for 2 1/2 months. Scheduling people to work has been split between the GM (who is herself in charge of 4 stations in our 'cluster') and the promotions director (who is responisble for our rock station and the country station). Our music is being done by someone offsite (the VP of Rock - no, seriously, that's his job title) and I'm the point person for logs, imaging, and other such. What this means, in short, is that I have been working my bootay off, extra hours, extra duties, extra exhuastion. I've been really spread thin, and it's been difficult on me and everyone else.

I come home from work, later than I want to (usuallly closer to 4 pm), and pass out (except on days when I can't, like my every-other-week on Mondays appt with my therapist, or my tuesday pilates class). I pass out, wake up in time to eat something, stare blankly at the TV, and go back to sleep. I have evenings where I don't talk to another person, except for maybe the girl in the drive-thru window. I haven't had the energy to write.

In the same time period since I last blogged, I have quit the used bookstore. I've had my Sundays back, which i've used to be a slug, or get errands done. I miss the income, but that wasn't really happening near the end, either.

My baby sister, B, has started college, moving cross-country to do so. My parents have moved, leaving New England and landing in the Midwest, and are now in the same time zone as I am.

I've been on a date or two, and added those to my list of glad I've done it, wish I didn't have to do it again.

My friend (and T's SO), G, has been to visit twice (in july and august), and she's been to visit him. When she went to visit him, I took her two girls to their school's skate night at a roller rink, and got on roller skates for the first time in years. My legs and feet were still more used to ice skates, and I kept on stopping ice-skate style (sideways) instead of roller-style (with the stopper). It was fun, and her younger one, despite falling on her booty and hands and noggin, kept on getting up and going again. But, spending time with two smart active kids in a room full other kids put me off of kids for at least a little while.

I researched and bought online an outfit for my friend's K&D's wedding (on October 28). Wanna see? It came in Friday's FedEx (after a call from FedEx International, asking me about my package from Pakistan and whether it was for personal use).

I've discovered that The Gap has discontinued my fave scent, Gap Scents woven cassis. this was, of course, when I went to buy some more because I'm almost out.

My friend Juan wrote me an email about relationships and time, and it got me thinking. In some way, it spurred me to write again. time is the most precious commodity we can offer to those we care about.

so, I'm going to post this for now, and get back to it again soon.

Lists about women

2006-08-13T01:09:00.000-05:00

from prep services from work... are these true or not?

There Are 8 Types of Women With Serious Dating Hang-Ups
(CLEVELAND, OHIO) Some women find themselves in their mid-30s and without a committed relationship. Often times, they're stuck in a rut because of psychological issues. A shrink has labeled 8 traps women can get themselves into.

Old Faithful -- She desires the one she can't have, and can't move forward
The Standstill -- She's concentrated on her career and ignored her social life
Forbidden Fruit Hunter - Gets involved with men who are married
Uptown Girl - Attracted only to men with money
Compassionate Rescuer -- Looks for men with problems (or boys in the band)
The Wanderer - She always has a lover or potential boyfriend on the side
Whirlwind Dater - Constantly dating, but never with one guy for very long
Runaway Bride -- She's great at getting into relationships, but once it's time to make a commitment, she finds an escape hatch

SEVEN FRIENDS WOMEN DON'T NEED
Proceed with caution if you hear a woman say, "I just never really got along with women... I usually hang out with the guys." You know my theory... When you're the only girl in the room, you're the hottest girl in the room. These types of women are not interested in being your friend because they'd rather be the center of attention in a room full of guys.

Here are seven types of friends no woman needs, according to Lifetimetv.com.

The whiner -- Every day, everywhere, she complains about everything wrong in her life.
The leech -- She's only friends with you because of what you can do for her and her pitiful social life.
The busy bee -- The woman who is always running around, too busy for her friends.
The chatterbox -- All she does is talk about herself.
The adviser -- She's always trying to give you unsolicited advice on how to run your life.
The dumper -- Whenever something or someone better comes up, she kicks you to the curb.
The bragger -- She's always bragging about her expensive clothing, her great job, hot boyfriend, or exotic places she's traveled. Shut up, already!

Another list of random things

2006-08-13T01:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is another random entry...
this time, to clear notes that have accumulated around my home, on scraps of paper and sticky notes. I'm trying to live a more clutter-free life, so here's getting rid of the notes, and recording them onto the Interwebs for posterity's sake.

People I've lost track of (that I wish I hadn't)
most of them from my life in Eugene
Colin Morgan - a good male friend from that time period, who I met through a guy who was in my stand-up comedy group. From the house of the questionably heterosexual, took a road trip to a college friend's wedding with me. Moved away to Chicago to architecture school about the same time I moved back to LA for Comedy World. Lost email touch, have no idea where he is these days.
Brett Lieberman - a friend of Jen's from Ohio who I became email (pen) pals with, and who I actually met in person when he came to Oregon to visit. Lost email touch. I'm sure he still lives in Ohio.
Kurt Loyd - dated briefly in Eugene, worked at the student radio station with me. Broke my heart, 'cause he strung me along. Was a few years older than me. Contacted me by email a few times, was shocked by my honesty over being heartbroken. His email addresses are no good.
Kris Hansen (Kristin James Broder Hansen) - was a friend of a musician I knew, Lael Alderman. Lived in Portland when I lived in Eugene. Dated briefly, long distance, and intensely. Broke up with me because it was too much for him. We stayed in touch by letter for a while, but then lost email touch when I was dating B.
Jeff Marion - co-worker from Harvest House publishers who shared musical interests and listened to my radio program.

(if you know where any of these people are, please let me know... They popped into my head one night of nostalgia and melancholy)

Just over two weeks ago, after a conversation with the pastoral counselor I've been seeing (therapist, but not a shrink), I went online and took a facsimile of a Myers-Briggs Personality Test. My results, on two different sites, were ENFJ (Extrovert Intuition Feeling Judging). I decided to take it after we discussed my extroversion, and some of the parts of my personality that I'm working on.

MUSIC I WANT TO LOOK INTO:
Mat Kearney, Nothing to Lose (song) - saw on middle of the night VH1
Ian Brown - British singer
The Scruffs - Wanna Meet the Scruffs (original album) & Teenage Gurls (album) - read about in a magazine on a shift at the bookstore. Reminiscent of Big Star and influence Clash, Nick Lowe.

random ramblings and life round-up

2006-08-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

So, my life has been busy recently. Good, bad, and the rest, but busy.

I've worked late every day this week. We had a local power outtage on Monday that took all four of our radio stations off the air for almost an hour, and then intermittently for the rest of the day. Yesterday and today, a corporate guy was in to help interview candidates for a new PD and to help fix some problems. So, I sat with him today for about an hour and half and learned a program i didn't know prior. And, I've been getting to know the PD on the country station, and he's a great person who really knows radio and programming and talent.

I have been dating someone for a few months, a friends of a friend. We broke up on Sunday, over the phone. It was the first time in my life where I was glad to hear that it wasn't me, it was him. Because it was. It was also my first "mutual" breakup without acrimony. It just wasn't working, and we both knew it. And, there is no anger, but there is also no point in trying to make something work that isn't, especially if it isn't working in the early stages. He's someone I could see staying in touch with, so I'll try at it.

I'm thinking about doing standup again. 'Cause I really like making people laugh. For this, I need to start writing again, and then i'll try 'em out at Comedy TN open mike night. I've been told over and over again (admittedly, by friends) that my observations and the way I say things is unique and funny. But I haven't been on-stage performing since a bad show in Eugene, so it's a big challenge to myself.

Have you heard about Mel Gibson's spectacular breakdown? I want a t-shirt that says "Sugartits". If you know of one available online, tell me! Otherwise, I have to add it to my list of t-shirts I need made. I'm still searching for a local screenprinter or iron-on t-shirt shop, but I will use the internets if I have to for all my funny things I want to have on a t-shirt.

I'm going away for the weekend, a girl's weekend away with my friend Kiren and a couple of her work girlfriends, organized by her work girlfriend Emily (who was in Belly Dancing classes with us). We're staying in a suite, getting massages, going shopping, and exploring Nashville. Should be fun, and i've been saving up money to do this, so I'm psyched.

sitting in driveways in trucks with boys

2006-07-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

I need to write about this while it's still fairly fresh.

I went to Pilates this morning (as I do every Saturday) and had a tougher workout than usual, which is a little odd because it was an intro class, but I've had a stressful work, so I think I had more stuff to work out of my muscles than normal.

After class, I got my weekly cardio by walking to Starbucks to get a drink. I saw a familiar truck in the driveaway, a Chevy with MBY plates. Feeling confident from my workout, I walked up and tapped on the window. And said hi to W and B.

I chatted with them for a bit, but they were heading to the drive through. I went in, got my drink, and came out. They were still in the drive-through lane, so I went up, tapped again, and got in the backseat to talk to them for a minute. We caught up on this and that, and they went to drive me back to my car (at the parking lot in the Pilates studio). We ended up chatting for nearly an hour, catching up on nearly everything. It was funny and fun and pleasant and barely awkward.

I'm not in love with B again. I am over him, 'cause being around him was without too much stress. It was catching up with someone who you used to know who you have stories with, and about whom you are still concerned, but not personally invested.

But it was nice to talk to both of them again. it's like I wrote about a week or two ago, after seeing W's truck... I missed them, honestly.

I don't know. I guess I'm not making much sense now. All I know is, it was nice to catch up with them. And not have the awkward, too much.

Radio is a sound salvation

2006-07-20T11:15:00.000-05:00

an article, forwarded to me by my friend (and former co-worker), Tonya, with this note:

Take a look at this article about our beloved mistress...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/20/radio/index.html

makes some damn good points. Heck, I would love to work for a satellite radio station. I've applied before, a few times, to jobs on both networks. Which are both based out of NYC. And which both don't necessarily need people that do what I do (though my skillsets have increased since my last applications).

the state of my chosen industry is considered bleak by many. At least I have my secretarial and writing skills to fall back on. Sadly, as I've noted before, I make more money doing admin or accounting work than I do in radio. So, I've got that going for me...

Survey: Bloggers are young Internet users

2006-07-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

Fark.com comment:
Study finds majority of bloggers are under 30, overly dramatic and completely self-absorbed.

jess' comment:
really? except for my mom, who has been consistently blogging for three years. oh, and my friend Frank, who has been blogging for over a year... and my friend Bean.
oh, and me. I'm over 30, and just a little self-absorbed. :)

Survey: Bloggers are young Internet users
Wed Jul 19, 1:58 PM ET

Bloggers are a predominantly young group of Internet users who are novice storytellers, enjoy describing their own experiences and have a growing audience in the online world.

A glimpse of this group was put together by the Pew Internet & American Life Project .

The survey found that almost one in 10 Internet users are bloggers and the audience for this group of online diarists is growing. Almost four in 10 of the approximately 147 million adult Internet users in this country say they read blogs.

The people they are reading on the online blogs are a young, ethnically diverse group. They are mostly newcomers to writing — often writing about their own experiences. More than half of bloggers are under age 30. They were most likely to list their life and events as the most popular topic, followed by politics and entertainment.

The poll findings are based on a sample of 4,573 Internet users with a margin of error of plus or minus 2 percentage points and a sample from a separate survey of 233 bloggers with a margin of error of plus or minus 7 percentage points.
___

Pot Purry for $500, Alex

2006-07-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

another random thoughts post, 'cause I don't have time to put together big thoughts...

my cystic acne hasn't gotten any better. I've been off of OCs for over 4 months, and a) my skin hasn't cleared and b) my periods are still irregular. Fun. I'm even taking Chaste Berry (Vitex) daily, along with my multi-vitamins and daily (generic) claritin. I even did a mask tonight to try to help my skin. And, still, I've got big weird spots on my forehead, my chin is an oil slick, and the tops of my arms are spotted. Nothing sexier than spots and zits, especially at 31 years of age.

I hate MF Time Warner RoadRunner digital cable internet. My internet has been intermittent (at best) for over 2 weeks. Very frustrating. Oh, and, the digital cable is cutting out during "Project Runway". Super annoying.

why did my (new and annoying) upstairs neighbor decide to have loud annoying relations at 3:30 am today? 15 minutes before my alarm goes off, and I'm awoken to the noises of loud sex (male and female joyful expressive noises) and the furniture moving. And I can't go back to sleep, 'cause I'm about to get up for work.

And, by the way, hearing other people do it is not sexy. It's annoying. I've now heard my next door neighbors have living room sex and these new upstairs girls have early morning sex. And, it's not a jealousy thing. It's just annoying to have to listen to when you are trying to watch TV (as last fall-winter with the next door neighbors) or get the last 15 minutes of sleep (this morning). I don't know why people always think it would be arousing or exciting to hear someone else getting it nine ways to Sunday.

I can't go into any details, but suffice it to say that work has been stressful for the past two weeks. So that all I want to do is come home and sleep, and eat something at some point, and maybe have a bit of social life.

ach, I don't know... life is never simple, you know? You just plug away and hope it all works out okay.

(oh, my grandma called me last week... and amongst the things we discussed, she said my grandpa was thinking he needed to send us manuals on how to make them some great-grandbabies. I told her that we all knew how, but we just weren't there yet.)

Miss Me Much?

2006-07-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

I had an experience today that brought to mind the question, why can you miss someone, and yet know you really can't talk to them again?

(I'm not talking about deaths, which is a whole 'nother conundrum.) I'm talking about live people, that you've stopped being friends with consciously.

Today, I went to Home Depot to buy new hardware for a dresser I bought from a co-worker. Of course, it's not simple... the space between the screws on the handles for this dresser was 3 1/2 inches. Bet you didn't know that the standard is 3 inches. I had ONE choice of handle. Luckily, it was in the silvery chrome color I prefer, and though it is not the perfect handle, it's better (in my opinion) than the old fashioned pulls that were on the drawers.

On my drive home, I was looking around (as I do), and noticed a truck that looked like my (former) friend W's in the parking lot of Heavenly Hoagie. I checked the plate (as I do), and realized that it was indeed W's. His wife, K, had once pointed out that the first 3 letters sounded out MOBY, so it stuck in my mind. Seeing his truck started a series of thoughts - if he was there, and B's truck was not, that meant they were probably there together. (The hoagie shop is a particular favorite of B's). It was a Saturday errand day, so it makes logical sense.

And the thing that struck me is that I miss W. He's a gentle soul, a genuine person, who loves his friends. I haven't seen or talked to W since he dropped me at the airport in March, after which his wife accused me of ridiculous things and hidden evil motives. Because of that, and because she couldn't bring herself to apologize for her actions and words, I cut off relations with K (and by extension W). And post-B-break-up, I haven't been in a social situation with them since February.

I miss them. Once, they (we) were good friends. I was a bridesmaid in their wedding (and B was a groomsman, in one of our many broken-up periods, natch). I helped them with the wedding preparations. I used to go shopping with K. They would have me over to their house to hang and eat, even during the initial-post-break-up awkwardness, when they would balance their time with either of us.

But deep down, I always knew when (and sadly, i think I knew it was a "when", not an "if") B and I broke up, that I would lose them. One way or another, I would lose them, because B had known W first, and that's how things go. We all tried for a while after B and I broke up, but when it became clear that there was not going to be a reunion, things became even more awkward than they had been.

I miss them, though. And yet, I know, like i've known when other friendships have died or sputtered out, that it's not ever going to be the same. And that I need to stick to my guns, and remember that I don't need people who don't actually like or trust me in my life.

But that doesn't mean I can't miss them, and miss the memories. And miss the good times.

(god, I'm really melancholy tonight).

T tonight pointed out to me that I've had a lot of change in my life recently. In the past year-and-a-half, pretty much everything but my car and home have changed. In March 2005, I quit my job. March - June 2005, I worked an office job with B, W, and AJ. June 2005, met B's family. July 2005, started Pilates. August 2005, B breaks up with me. August 2005, go to Kentucky with Mom & Dad, bring some family drama to light. September 2005, start the new job. September 2005, after a disastrous social outting where everyone tried to pretend it wasn't awkward and weird to be in a group after B&I broke up, cut off relations with B. December 2005-January 2006, attempt social relationship with B. December 2005, turn 31. January & February 2006, make attempts to start dating again. March 2006, cut off all contact with B, W, & K. June 2006, start therapy to help deal with some of the stuff floating around in my head. All 2006, work, live, go out with friends, make new friends, do Pilates, give up dairy, start drinking soy lattes, date, relate, work and so on.

and I feel like my life is still insecure, that it could all fall apart at any minute. People around me fall in love, find happiness with partners, plan weddings, and I feel like it's all missing me. Even though it's just the nature of my (radio) business, I feel like I could lose my gig at any minute. And I love my gig.

ach, I'm babbling and wallowing, and it's Saturday night and I'm home alone and I haven't even been drinking. I'm going to sign off before i get any more depressing.

things I need to get around to writing

2006-07-12T17:49:00.000-05:00

open letter to my new upstairs neighbor on how to please be a better neighbor and quiet because I get up at 3:45 am on weekdays and take afternoon naps, too.
(oh, and the P.S. to that - I haven't taken up smoking, so why does my apartment smell like it?)

the magical pile of not-quite-dirty, not-quite-clean clothing we all have (which is different from the pile of 2- and 3-day-old jeans)

my trip to NH and what 3 days of being in my parents' house with my siblings (and some of their SOs) was like

I hate lazy people... and people who try to get away with doing as little as possible.

Why do hard-working people with thoughts and opinions and voices often not get as far (in the world, career-wise, etc) as useless yes-men?

Cooking for one sucks.

Why is being healthy more expensive than being out of shape and eating poorly?

If the world loves big boobs so much, why are the bras so GD expensive compared to those for small chested ladies?

marriage in the modern era

2006-07-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

i've been meaning to write about this since i got back from New Hampshire, but I just haven't been able to wrap my head quite around it.... I've told the story to some people, and it makes me sound a) bitter and b) mildly racist, and neither are quite true.

My cousin got married. The first one of my generation (on either side of the family) to do so. This cousin is 25, the 4th member of my generation on my mom's side. She's my mom's sister's daughter, and I, in some ways, helped raise her. I lived with their family when I was a teenager.

Do you know how we found out she got married? If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe it. It's a real example of the modern age. My brother, Marc, says, "Becca got married to some random black guy. She posted the pictures on her MySpace."

Seriously. She got married without any friends around, in crayon-red hair and red dress, and the "random black guy" (the best descriptor we have, as no one had even HEARD of the guy before this) was wearing a jersey of some sort. (My aunt V said to me later, "couldn't he have gone to Mervyn's and bought a shirt or something?") According to her MySpace, the new husband is named Paris, and he's an acrobat. She's an acrobat, so they can be bendy together.

It's just so weird. I figured that when someone in the family got married, we'd be invited. There was never a question in my mind as to that. For my future theoretical wedding (to my future theoretical husband, of course), I would have to at least INVITE my family, all the masses of them.

And who does that? Who announces they've run off and gotten married by posting pictures on a social networking website? My mom finds out her neice is married from the Internet - her sister, this cousin's mom, never even mentioned it to my mom.

My aunt V, the one who is just a few years older than me, IM'ed me about two weeks ago. She told me about my grandparents' reaction to it. Again, shocked. I know that it's surprising that family would want to know in advance, but it's true.

Heck, I don't know. My sisters (in their early 20's) are both engaged, and living with their partners. My brother Marc's girlfriend just moved in with him. I could have seen any of them getting married in the near future. But not finding out from the InterWebs that my cousin has married.

THE ORACLE OF STARBUCKS

2006-07-09T17:57:00.000-05:00

found this whilst surfing the web:
THE ORACLE OF STARBUCKS

You tell it your drink, it tells you about you:
My current drinks are a grande soy latte (hot) or an iced venti soy chai. It's because I had to give up dairy for health reasons. Still, this is pretty funny.

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks grande soy latte should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic

Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

random musings of friday night

2006-07-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

an entry my friend Frank Murphy refers to as a "Larry King" style entry...

my brother Marc and I created an entire universe of alternate Pokemon characters when we lived with my folks in Eugene, Oregon.
one recent night (April 5th), Marc and I created a new character, Poke-John. His only expression is the word "dude", pronounced in a variety of ways.

my parents can both text message. my mom uses all caps. my dad will repeat back slang you've used on him (for instance, in April, we had an exchange using the word "peeps"). Parents using slang, even people as plugged into the younger folk as my parents (who are jettisoning their last teenager soon), is always funny.

My parents both also IM all the time. that's how they keep in touch with my siblings.

most phrases, when approached with the right (or "wrong", depending on your perspective, mind) can sound dirty. My friends and I call this "Beavis & Butthead" behavior. Particularly funny when applied to straight-ahead newscasts and sports reports, and really funny if you can get the broadcaster to crack up. i used to make faces at people when they said funny things, but now I text them and point out the funny-dirty words and phrases.

tornadoes, and other severe weather you can be warned of, scare me more than earthquakes. Tornado sirens can go off for hours, and all I can do is sit and freak out. There was one really bad night in April (25th) that the sirens went off for about an hour, and sat on my living room floor and shook and phoned people and freaked out. The tornado siren for my neighborhood has to be mounted RIGHT OUTSIDE my BEDROOM, which is full of windows, which are a no-no to be around in storms. But earthquakes are a whole other thing - they come out of nowhere, you deal with it, and clean up. And build your houses properly, to withstand it.

text messaging is awesome. but you have to be careful not to write essays. they eat up memory. I have a problem deleting text messages, especially the funny ones. so i'm always having to go through and delete enough to save memory.

"You're beautifooool!"

2006-07-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

Actual scene from today's (first) run to Starbucks.

Dude in parked car: "Happy Fourth of July. How does it feel to be beautiful?"
Me, balancing things in my hand while unlocking car: "I wouldn't know."

I smiled, and told the dude he made my day. It was totally random, and a great bit of cheer.

Then, I got home, walked in the door, and dropped and spilled my Iced Venti (24 ounce) Soy Chai Latte. Which I cleaned up, and then headed back to Starbucks for another. Which they kindly gave me free, with sympathy.

There is this little fella that works at the local Starbucks who is the funniest guy. Jason, I think, and pretty sure he's gay. He also admitted that he used to be a ballet dancer. I like going in and talking to him - he's friendly, funny, and makes me smile. And, he gave me a drink today for free - twice!

Yesterday, T and I went to a movie. We met up at the Malco Paradiso, and saw "The Devil Wears Prada". About two years ago, she lent me the book, and I read it on her recommendation. We ended up in the same exact theatre we were in for the infamous "You are some of the rudest people" incident. (I REALLY need to get those t-shirts made.) We got there early, grabbed seats, and, as other people came in and sat down, that there was no way we would win that title on that day. There were the ladies in their 50's or 60's that decided to sit directly in front of us, even though there were tons of seats available in their chosen row. There were the teenagers that came in chattering and sat directly behind us. And then there was a gaggle of women that came in during the previews, talking to each other and on their phones, and sat in the middle of the row we were in, taking away my purse chair. And the woman who took away my purse chair - texted through the entire movie. There was no way we were winning the rude award yesterday.

Today I got up at 5 am to go into work. On the 4th of July. Because I wasn't sure if my boss had done something which would have affected whether my "best of" segments for the program I produce would have aired. Amazingly enough, he had. So, I double checked everything, and headed back home... and slept until 10 or 11 am.

it's a lazy day, no doubt about it. Saw a few of the riverfront fireworks yesterday. Don't have any big holiday plans today, either.

Study: Americans lonelier than ever

2006-07-03T06:20:00.000-05:00

Study: Americans lonelier than ever

NEW YORK, July 2 (UPI) -- A sociological study from Duke and the University of Arizona found that most Americans have only two close confidantes, the New York Times reported Sunday.

With the rise of the Internet, an increase in work hours and long commutes, and technology that discourages face-to-face interaction, the average American's connection to his or her community is weakening, the Times reported from the study.

Despite the perceived decrease in meaningful social connections, the study also showed that the bond between spouses has grown stronger, partially due to the fact that more households are comprised of two working parents, the study said. The study also indicated that Americans use their entire social network when making a major life decision, the Times reported.

Dr. Robert Putnam, the author of "Bowling Alone," told the Times that that the increased use of technology is not a bad thing, as long as Americans use it to "strengthen and deepen relationships that we have offline."

BEST. PICTURE. EVER!

2006-07-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

SERIOUSLY.

this was taken by the fine folks at Picture People in the mall in Manchester, NH.
Our photographer was a slightly alternative young gentleman who was named, I believe, Brian.
We spent nearly an hour taking photos with the young fella, and made him laugh at our wacky antics.

The deal with Picture People is that they print their choices of the best photos from your shoot, and then let you decide based upon the prints. One photo in particular, they printed simply because it was so awful. We loved it. During our lengthy selection and check-out process, during which we bought something like 8 poses in different print combinations between 5 credit cards, I convinced Brian to throw in the super-awful-good photo, since they were just going to throw it out anyway. My brother Marc took it home and scanned it, and has now shared it with the family. And I will now share it with the world.

Behold, the worst family portrait ever!

In case you don't know my whole fam-damn-ily, here's the roster, left to right.
Me (Jess), (child #1), in blue shirt, constipated expression, and bizarre sunburn
Deirdre (D'Marie), (Child #4), in white shirt and flash reflected off glasses
Marc-Daniel, (Child #3), t-shirt, bit-into-a-lemon face with eyes closed
Bethany (Bebe or BMac), (Child #6), laughing with eyes closed
Colleen (Leen or Neen), (Child #5), fuschia shirt, laughing with eyes closed
Front row: Dad (John), with glare off glasses & Mom (Alicia) smiling.

To recap, 7 of the eight members of my immediate family, with my brother John-Damien conspicously absent, photographed for posterity with only one (maybe two) even close to looking good - Mom (and maybe Dad, if you ignore the flash reflection).

We don't know what we were laughing at. We laughed so many times, it could have been any number of jokes - including fat baby and anorexic baby.

Seriously.
BEST. PICTURE. EVER.
If we could use for a Christmas card, I think we would.
(And, if wanted to show the whole family, I think we could photoshop JD in behind me, next to D. I'm sure we could find a suitably unflattering photo of him).

P.S. Oh, and don't worry, we have plenty of other good shots from the photo session. If you are a family member who wants to see the online album, email me and I'll send you link).

P.P.S. If you look close enough, you can see both D's and Colleen's engagement rings on their left hands.

P.P.P.S. For those of you keeping track at home, before I became the redhead I was meant to be, my hair color was closest to that of Bethany.

Bands with trumpets and keyboards rock!

2006-07-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

First things first - it was the battery, not the starter or starter solenoid or the alternator. It took my landlords two days to get a battery in, after recharging the old one to no avail. They installed it on Thursday afternooon, and I was back to driving my little Toyota Corolla by Friday morning.

Secondly, the Internets is broken at my house. I am composing this on the computer at the bookstore. We've had a suprising volume of visitors today, but very few purchases. A lot of out-of-towners and locals bringing their out-of-town visitors by, but with me being the only person working in the three businesses, it's been a little spotty. I think the artists are really losing out by taking today as a holiday weekend.

When I get home tonight, I will call customer service at Time Warner RoadRunner and find out why i'm not finding any connectivity. Dad and I already troubleshot (troubleshooted?) the heck out it this morning, so it is definitely something on their side.

Otherwise, it was exhausting week and an exhausting weekend. I worked 14 hours on Friday, getting into work at 5:15, and leaving at 7. I was awake for something closer to 17-18, having awoken at 3:45 am and finally falling into full sleep at approx 9:45 pm. I worked my normal shift, stayed later to prepare the Saturday best-of show and the Monday best-of (the hosts are taking the vacation week), and then ran the board for a remote the guys did for a southern rock revival show down at a Tunica casino. I'm glad I drew that straw instead of actually having to go down to Tunica. In order to get through the day, I was nursin an iced espresso drink throughout the afternoon, leaving me too wired to sleep, to tired to not. It was not a good situation to be in, and i hope not to be for some time again, if ever.

Yesterday (Saturday) started out well, with a Pilates lesson, a nice chat with my instructor, a walk to the Starbucks and a nice chat with some of the employees there, and a return home. There was much lounging and mindless TV watchingand a marathon Saturday shower. Saturday showers are the ones I don't have time for during the week, when I shower at 4 am and am lucky if I remember to put deodorant on, some days. Saturday showers have all the features - exfoliation, shaving, hair washing and conditioning, and self-tanning and moisturizing to follow. I even blew-out and straight-iron styled my hair. I love the leisurely pace of a Saturday shower, a luxury only Saturday provides.

I went out for dinner & drinks with Tonya (pictured below), her boyfriend/my former co-worker, G, and Mr. S. As we had all worked at the same place (albeit at different times), we had a great conversation about radio and certain people, and had a nice steak dinner and a few cocktails too. Oh, and some yummy lemon cake with awesome lemon buttercream frosting. Quite a good time.

oh, well, i'm here at the bookstore, and I'm hoping for customers, and surfing the internets for "Salwar Kameez" (or "Shalwar Kameez"), indian pantsuits for my friends' Kiren & Aditya's wedding in October. The outfits have to be custom-made to your measurements, so I need to choose a design and style and color, and get the ball rolling. I've been encouraged by the bride to dress in Indian clothes for their Americanized Hindu wedding, so I'm going to go for it. After all, you usually buy a new dress for a wedding, right?

TTFN.

Dead battery in a Toyota, Bridget Jones' hair, and a Jeep Wrangler

2006-06-28T18:30:00.000-05:00

So, I just learned from one of my landlords that loud-walking lady (who also sometimes plays her music too loud) has moved out. She was my upstairs neighbor since I moved in here, but she has apparently left Memphis.
Anyone need a 2-bedroom apartment in Midtown Memphis? Contact me if you do - my landlords asked me to put feelers out.

And, now, to the reason why I've been in such contact with my landlords - my wonderful car. Yesterday, at 5 am, I headed out to my car to go to work. And the damn thing wouldn't turn over. It wouldn't start. The air / radio / annoying beep / lights all functioned, but it wouldn't start, and just went "click-click-click" everytime I tried. I freaked out, called a co-worker, called my mom, and called a co-worker again, to come and get me. Said co-worker, MB the sports guy, did, but he drives a convertible known as "the pimp sled". It's a restored 70's impala. By the time we got to work, my hair looked like Bridget Jones' in the road-trip-in-a-convertible scene. We also started the show late, and I was (understandably) distracted for most of the show. I also didn't get my morning latte, as I was carless, and i'm the one who normally does the 7:30 Starbucks run.

I was really freaked out, called the dealership (because I did get some kind of extended warranty when I bought the certified pre-owned Toyota) and they said I would have to have it towed (at a cost of $75) and they would have to run diagnostics (at a cost of $79). Then, if they determined whatever was broken was covered by warranty, Toyota would pay for the rest. If not, it was parts and labor and all that, and could end up costing me probably close to $1000 when it was all said and done. Then, the guys I work with suggested I call their mechanic, and try to set something up with him. So, I did, and told him I'd call him once I got home.

In the meantime, co-worker MB offered me use of his spare car, a stick-shift Jeep Wrangler, so I could still get around and do all the things I have to do. And yesterday, Tuesday, I had promised to pick someone up at the airport at 1 PM, so I was especially anxious to have a vehicle at my disposal. I left work at 10 am, and borrowed said Jeep. I got home, parked the Jeep in front of the bike shop, and asked one of the bike shop owners / landlord brothers, Ron, if he could look at my car. He said it was probably just the battery, and put an electric charger on it. Due to flight delays, I didn't have to get to the airport until 2 pm, and decided not to hazard taking my car out with a risky battery, and headed out in the Jeep.

Did I mention the Jeep had it's soft cover off? Yeah. So, to mitigate the Bridget Jones windswept effect, I put a bandanna on my head like scarf, and drove to the airport - during which drive I realized the gas light was on. After I did the airport pickup, we headed to the Shell station at Ghetto & Airport to put gas in the borrowed car. My car only has an 11-gallon tank, and never costs more than $30. As the numbers kept cranking on the pump, I said, if it gets to 15 gallons, I'm stopping. At $40-something dollars and 15 gallons, it still wasn't full, and I stopped. Whoo, Nelly, that's a lot of gas. But I'm being done a favor, so I don't complain too much.

It's weird driving stick again. Driving a Jeep, I feel like a different person. My hair is blowing all around, I'm getting sun on me, and I'm much higher up than I normally am in my car, or most cars I'm a passenger in. I feel taller, more powerful, more in control. It's harder to hear the radio, and the wind is blowing an whistling by, but it's really cool. And, it's not that hard to drive. I don't think I'd want one as a full-time car (not too practical, and I'm a practical kind of girl), but it's damn fun to drive for a little while.

I checked in with Ron, the landlord, and he says he should have a battery in for me today, and can install it tomorrow while I'm at work. If it's not the battery, then I'm screwed. But if it is, hallelujah, and I'm good to go. And I can give MB back his Jeep, and go back to my little Toyota Corolla 4-door automatic kind of life.

Picture Pages

2006-06-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

a picture can (temporarily) replace actual writing.

these photos were sent to me by Tonya, while I was visiting the family, to show to them.

Tonya & I at Origins, Oak Court, after our pre-Mother's Day mini-spa and makeover, Saturday May 13th. We both got facial treatments and our beauty enhanced by careful cosmetic application. (translation - we let the ladies have fun with our makeup).

Me, looking foxy, after the mini-spa and makeover. Tonya convinced me to wear the dress (and new fancy makeup) for that night's plans, which included Gus' Fried Chicken, the best fried chicken in Memphis. Good times....

Gurnal (represented by cell phone), Me, and Tonya, at the Sunset Symphony, Tom Lee Park, Saturday, May 27th. Tonya took this picture herself (as if you couldn't tell.)

Me and Tonya, at the Sunset Symphony, Tom Lee Park, Saturday, May 27th. (taken by our new friend who was sitting behind us)

ROCKY HORROR, Friday June 9, 2006, me with the guy playing Eddie & the one of the many guys playing Frank.

this is the last 2 months of my life, as I've shared it with Tonya. She's a smart mom, and carries her digital camera everywhere. One of these days, I'll get one of those digital cameras. I could use a printer at home first, though. :)

Media Whores

2006-06-25T14:20:00.000-05:00

my friends and family in the media

Apparently, buying a condo in Downtown Memphis means you get to be in the newspaper.
To wit:
Inner-city Sanctum - Steve Versnick's River Row condo has it all: great location, terrific neighbors

Concord High School graduation (My "baby" sister Bethany's graduation, last Saturday, June 17)
an article highlighting the ceremony, including the killjoy administrators who took away all the beach balls. Oh, and the valedictorian, Jess Lanney, is one of Bethany's friends.
an article about a classmate whose murder made national news
photographs from the ceremony, both by the newspaper and submitted by families

that's it for now...
I have about 3 different things i've been meaning to post, but this will do for now.

Family Ties

2006-06-11T14:25:00.000-05:00

I'm going to NH in 4 days. The baby (she's 17, I know, she's not a baby anymore) is graduating HS, and 4 of her 5 older siblings are heading on out to the East Coast / New England to be there for the momentous occasion.
I'm a little nervous. I've seen Mom and Dad and Bebe fairly recently (Christmas), but I haven't seen the other siblings since 2004, a year in which I saw them all (except for the one who doesn't come to things) twice. In February of 2004, my parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary (go ahead, do the math - yup, I'm a honeymoon baby, 9 1/2 months after they married I was born) and they threw a celebration for themselves, and we all flew out. Then, in June 2004, my dad's sister-in-law, my aunt, died after complications from a brain hemorrhage. And those of us that could went to Portland for the funeral - Dad and I met up in an airport (Detroit or Minneapolis, can't remember which NWA hub) and flew out, Leen and her Steve drove out from Idaho, and Marc and D drove up from Eugene. Mom and Bebe couln't make it... but who knew then they'd need to fly again later that summer when my mom's cousin's daughter (our second cousin) died after a car wreck?
So, this will be the first time I've seen my sister Neen or Polo since June 2004 - when Marc and I threatened her Steve with bodily harm if he broke our sister's heart or knocked her up. He laughed at me, all 5-feet and red hair and righteous indignant anger, but you do what you have to for your siblings. This is also the first time I will see Brother Marc since that trip - last summer, some of my family went to Northern California for an old family friend's wedding, but I was visiting B's family in Scranton, PA that week, instead.
Leenie will be bringing her Steve to NH; Marc will be bringing his Louise; and D will not be bringing her Robyn (no great loss). D is engaged to Robyn, but she dated him back when she was in HS (when we all lived in Eugene) and I didn't much like him then. And Polo still doesn't like him now, and avoids him (which means avoiding his sister, even though they live in the same town). I, as usual, will be flying solo, the spinster older sister.
I'm really proud of my youngest sister, otherwise known as 6 of 6 (in our family's Borg numbering system). She's the last of my parents' kids to fly the nest, and will be leaving them for college come August. And then mom and dad will join the ranks of those 50-ish adults who are, for the first time in their married lives, alone with just each other. I'm told, by mom and dad and other sibs, that they are divesting much of what they have in their house, in an attempt to simplify and downsize now that it will just be the two of them.
Oy, it's going to weird and wonderful and great and scary to all be together again. We hope to take pictures (either with or without mom and dad), and, if we do, I will post them. :)
I will, of course, update post-travels.

This blog today brought to you by the letter "C" and the number 10

2006-06-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

My mom had this posted on her blog:

Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why. Pass out letters to those who want to play along.
Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter.

My mom assigned me the letter "C" (I think, because of my middle names and the fact that I had the "C is for cookie" by Cookie Monster album when I was a child)

Cookie - that's good enough for me, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!

Catholic - the religion of my upbringing (big C) and my current outlook on religion (little C).

Cats - the pets of my childhood, and the animal I'm most allergic to in adulthood. And, of course they know I'm allergic, and want to love up on me.

Committed - to my family, to my job, to those things which are most important to me. (and, in some ways, committed, as in mental)

Chatty - or "communicative" or "talky" or "gabby" or "talkative" or "jess could talk both ears off a deaf mute".

Caring - sometimes I care too much. I fall in love (like) fast, and hard. I worry about my friends and family. I used to really care what others think about and of me, but I'm much better at that now.

Cerebral - I overthink things, and live in my head. Which I guess is a little surprising in that I talk so much. Really, though, only about 1/3 of what I think actually travels from my brain to my lips... which means there is a terrifying amount of stuff going on in my head.

C-curve - something I've been working on since I started Pilates. It indicates my work on my body and soul by pursuing an athletic / fitness activity for the first time in years.

Coffee - or, more specifically, espresso. Specifically, Starbucks, a place in which I have found great comfort, good beverages, and, at one point, employment. Also in the beverage category, chai, now with soy.

cute - because I'm short and peppy.

clever - 'cause I'm smart and stuff... and can write and be funny... :)

C words I don't want to be: condescending, callous, coy, conniving, crackheaded, cheap, craven, cowardly, criminal, crass, crappy, cheesy, cross, clueless, classless, caustic.

(this took me 4 days. I had to let the hamsters run on it a little bit to come up with all the words.)

Tipping etiquette - curbside takeaway debate

2006-05-30T13:02:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, I decide to treat myself to a little curbside takeaway at the local Outback Steakhouse. I've discovered that you can get a child-sized portion of steak in the restaurant, but they tack an additional $2 on for an adult fee (or something stupid like that). If you order it over the phone, they don't. So, for just under $10, I had a child-size (probably 6 or 8 oz) steak, potatoes, a teeny-tiny drink, and a salad. I paid cash, and they brought my change (from a $20) out in a $5 and five $1s. I gave the curbside girl a dollar. And now I'm wondering if I cheaped out.
My debate is this - all they did was write it down, and then walk back and forth to my car. A dollar seems to be generous when it was a single person, not picky (not like when I order burgers from them), and under $10.
The other side of this is that I get into constant debates with people about Starbucks and whether one should tip there. As a former partner, I firmly believe in tipping at Starbucks. But that is because Starbucks beverages are a custom-made beverage, and, if you are a regular, the baristas get to know you and your drink(s), so it warrants tipping. I also usually just drop the spare change from orders, and about once a week (from my morning work run) drop an extra dollar in. Starbucks tipping averages go down when everyone uses their debit card or pre-loaded gift card, so that's another thing to keep in mind.
But do the curbside people warrant generous tipping? I just don't know.
(and, keep in mind, I'm generous with waitstaff in actual restaurants.)

Why being online sometimes sucks...

2006-05-28T15:44:00.000-05:00

I've rediscovered why I shouldn't read my brother John's blog...
because, invariably, every few months, I stumble onto the goings-on of my ex, S.
S is the one I was dating when I moved here. The one I refer to as either "the alcoholic" or "the drug addict". Because, sadly, he was (is?) both.
S was a friend of my brother's who I really met online. He and I had apparently met in person previously before we met online, but I was too cool to remember him.
Anyway, during my second time in LA, I got into LiveJournal through my brother. I had a journal that I updated pretty regularly (I had a temp job during which I had more time than actual work). I wrote regularly, checked my brother's regularly, and made "friends" with people that way. Plus, some of my social life then was tied in with my brother and his set. We are only 14 months / 2 school years apart in age, and as he had stayed in the city of our youth, was still plugged in socially with a lot of people. Plus, he's always been sort of "cool" and it follows that his social occasions (parties, etc) would also be hip and happening.
S was a drunk, and my brother knew that. But never put up a lot of objections to us dating. S was self-loathing, but he was brilliant. He wrote very funny stuff, was quite witty, was really into music, and quite a storyteller. He also had a self-destructive streak larger than his self-preservation instincts. When we were dating, we watched movies, listened to music, and talked. We wrote each other emails and blog entries and the like. And he fell in love with me quite early on.
I asked him to please not do drugs, and he mostly complied, as least while I was living out there. He still drank, daily, and in ways that make me uncomfortable to think about now. He had stories of debauchery and partying that amused and scared me.
S was what I now refer to as the "drunk poet", a type that worships Hunter S Thompson, Charles Bukowski, and others who glorify living altered and "defiant".
I don't truly know how defiant and rebellious and counter-cultural it really is to spend your rent money on vodka, and your grocery money on stolen prescription pills. It strikes me, a goody-goody "straight" kid from the get-go, as sad and pathetic.
But I loved S, I truly did. The brilliance of his mind really won me over. But I had to work at it, and that was difficult. And then I took my job out here, and we tried to keep it going long-distance (which is, as we all know, ultimately stupid). My mom paid for him to visit me, and then I flew out there to visit him. And when I got there, he was already drunk, and tried to break up with me. I told him I didn't fly 2000 miles to break up, and made him take it back. We spent the weekend together, and I came back here. (it just dawned on me that he visited me Memorial Day weekend 2002, 4 years ago. I went out there on Labor Day weekend.) We broke up over the phone in October, kept talking, and then I finally broke up with him, once and for all, in February. I had moved on.
But, because he was who he was, he would occasionally call and leave me sad messages. Or he would occasionally send me emails. After we first broke up, I'd check his LJ to see how he was doing, and find out things you wouldn't want to know (and be shocked that he had the balls to post those stories on the Internet, things about being high and screwing annoying co-workers and stuff along those lines.) And, because he was still friends with my brother, I would find out that he was still alive, and super-ultra-mega-self-destructive. And, then, last summer, while I was working at B's office while waiting out my non-compete, I found out, through a link on my brother's LJ that S had devolved into a massive coke habit, along with the drinking and smoking. I don't think I could adequately describe the feeling of illness that hit me when I read his stories of coking and whoring and losing his job and losing his apartment. I had another round of nausea-inducing reading in the fall/winter, and actually dropped him a line, anonymously, during which he invited me to get AIDS and screw pigs, until he found out who was posting him anonymously, and then apologized.
When we were together, my brother once said to me that he always thought S was trying to kill himself. I didn't really understand it until later, but it's the truth.
Anyway, what prompted this ex-BF reminisce was being on my brother's LJ today, and finding a post that S and his hetero-life-mate Tony have relocated to Portland, Oregon. The city that I have always said would be the city I would move to if I could. I miss the west coast, and Portland has always struck me as a great city. I have uncles there, and still a few friends (acquaintances, I guess, at this point) who were and are in bands around that city.
But now S is there. And my world has always been a VERY SMALL world. The universe where worlds collide and people from 1000's of miles away and lifetimes ago appear in odd places. Heck, and this is absolutely true, I am only 3 degrees from Kevin Bacon.
I don't know what to do with this information, other than post it and let my subconscious post it.
It has got me thinking of men in my past. Actually, I've flashed back to men in my past, the Oregon edition. Two guys whose names started with K, the two who both broke my heart. Or the guys in the bands I was friends with who I crushed on. The semi-celibacy of my Oregon years, and the growth I experienced living there.
I'm rambling, it's about 85 degrees indoors in the bookstore, and I need to rehydrate and pee.
Happy memorial day weekend. Hope you are cooking out and having a good time!

Hair dryers of my mind

2006-05-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

While I was taking an (unusual) afternoon bath & shower just now, I started thinking of hair dryers.

My parents aren't very image conscious people, and my mom has always had simple hairstyles - long and easy or short and easy. When I was small, we had a blow dryer. It was black, hard plastic and was kept in a storage case. It had attachments - a directing nozzle, a comb, and a brush. It was rarely used. I remember a babysitter (whose name is lost to history) from when it was just me and JD, in Woodland Hills, saying that I shouldn't use that hair dryer, as it was a man's hair dryer. In all honesty, it probably came into the household with my dad - he was a VERY clean-cut guy when my folks met (you should see some pictures).

When I lived with my great-grandmother, Gram, she had a completely different kind of hair dryer - a bonnet, like a shower cap, that you placed over your whole head. If you put it on, you couldn't hear anything but whooshing around you. It was probably designed for roller sets, but I was a little kid with long and easily tangled hair, so we sometimes put that bonnet on my head to get my hair dry after my bath.

My aunt Cathie had the "real" women's blow dryer, with a nozzle and switches and the whole she-bang. That's probably the first place i ever used a woman's hair dryer, other than having my hair styled post-haircut at the SuperCuts or whatever place mom took us to.

The first blow dryer I ever owned myself came courtesy of my Aunt Victoria, when we were roommates. She had gone on a date (with the man who is now her husband) to the horse races, and they had won. And with her winnings, she bought me a hair dryer. Because she lived together, and she knew I needed one. It was one of the most thoughtful and surprising gifts. And I had that dryer for a long time. At one point before my sister Colleen came to live iwth me, I thought it had died, and bought a replacement dryer at Target. When Colleen moved in, she revived that hair dryer, and it lived in her bathroom. When I was dating B, I took that dryer to his place, and left it there, so I could actually make my hair look decent if I bathed there.

As a little kid, you don't care about your hair so much, as long as it is (relatively) clean and not in your way too much. And when my hair was long, I didn't need to blow dry it to make it do something - ponytails were great. But I keep my hair shorter now, and a blow dryer is key.

I don't know that there was a point to this, other than I remembered the weird blow dryers of my youth. I guess it is about memory lane, and the weird details we remember.

I haven't had my nap yet, and it is over 90 degrees outside. I'm going to lay down and enjoy some rest.

we should all have this problem....

2006-05-23T09:08:00.000-05:00

we should all have this problem....

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news4.shtml?hairtrigger
EDITION: Sunday, 21st May 2006

REAL (SEX) LIFE EXCLUSIVE STORIES
I HAVE 250 ORGASMS A DAY (and it's a scream)

By Matthew Acton & Rachel Spencer

SEXY Ellie Allen is a girl who just can't say no— because she's too busy saying Yes...Yes...YES!

The pretty brunette suffers from a rare but genuine medical condition that means she has up to 250 orgasms a DAY.

It's called Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome—PSAS.

But Ellie isn't moaning—in fact she can see the funny side of her complaint.

"Men brag that they'd love a woman who can't stop climaxing," she laughed. "But I struggle to find partners who can keep up with me."

And no wonder. The slightest thing can make the earth move for Ellie.

The throb of a BUS engine, driving over SPEED BUMPS, the purr of a LAWN MOWER, even the rhythmic motion of a PHOTOCOPIER!

Ellie, 28, told us: "People think having orgasms all the time must be brilliant—but they look at me like I'm some kind of nutter because I'm always having to stifle my sighs or scurry off for a private moment."

The first time Ellie had an orgasm on a crowded bus, her fellow passengers were seriously alarmed.

"The engine was making the vehicle shake and suddenly I felt an unbearable tingling, my back arched and my body jerked sharply as I peaked," she recalled.

"Everyone was staring like I was having some kind of fit as I finally yelled out. I simply couldn't help myself. An old lady asked me what was wrong and I had to pretend I'd stubbed my toe."

Now Ellie relies on lifts from understanding friends...

"If there's a road with several speed humps then I'll be off by the time we've crossed the last one," she confessed. "I don't drive very often. When I pull up just the vibrations are enough to set me off.

"That led to my most embarrassing moment—when a policeman stopped me for sneaking through traffic lights on amber.

"By the time he got to my window I was already pretty flustered. He said, ‘You know why I've pulled you over, don't you?'

"I was bright red in the face and knew if I opened my mouth I'd have to moan or cry out as I was actually coming at that stage.

"So I just nodded and pretended to have a coughing fit, but it was pretty high pitched.

"He made me get out of the car and my legs felt really weak because I'd only just climaxed.

"They almost went from under me and he thought I was drunk so he breathalysed me!

"But once I'd composed myself I flirted with him a bit and got away with a ticking-off."

Although PSAS is a physical disorder, causing increased blood flow to the sex organs, doctors know little about what triggers it.

There is no cure. Sufferers enjoy, or endure, up to 300 orgasms a day without warning. The condition gradually crept up on Ellie after she first had sex at 17.

"I was like most girls at first and didn't always climax," she said. "It didn't really bother me. I always enjoyed sex but it wasn't something that ruled my life.

"I've never been promiscuous. And I used to find lengthy sex sessions that went on for hours a bit boring.

"My orgasms were pretty run of the mill then. They'd last half a minute or so. But between the age of 18 and 20 they got more and more frequent.

Ecstasy

"Occasionally, every few months I'd have multiple orgasms but not all the time. Now I can't stop. I'm aroused from the moment I wake up.

"My boobs are swollen, I get this throbbing feeling and I'm desperate to climax.

"When I do it calms me down for a little while, but soon afterwards it begins again."

Everyday activities that most of us take for granted are a minefield for Cambridge art gallery assistant Ellie.

"Out shopping I can be set off just by the vibration of people's footsteps," she revealed.

"Lifts and stairs are unbearable.

"I can't work in an office because even ringing phones and humming photo-copiers do it. Gardening puts me into spasms every time I bend over and the throb of the lawnmower sparks a climax.

"And furious dancing in clubs is obviously out.

"One day I was trying to clear a blocked drain. The stench was disgusting but as soon as I started wiggling the rod about to shift the blockage, I was crying out in ecstasy!

"I don't count how many orgasms I reach a day but it must be around 250—more on a busy day."

Treatments for PSAS include an anaesthetic gel to numb sensation around the private parts.

But the only concession Ellie makes to her condition is to wear loose clothing to cut down on friction.

She said: "Sex provides me with just a few moments' relief and then the tension builds up again.

"One boyfriend even went on an arduous keep-fit regime in a bid to keep up with me.

"But I still wore him out so badly he ended up in tears and we split. It's more embarrassing when I'm with a new partner because often they think I'm putting on an act and I worry that it scares them off.

"Usually men think it's great at first because they can bring me to orgasm in seconds with any kind of contact.

"But I'm not satisfied and keep on for hours demanding more and more action—and then it gets difficult for them and they end up feeling guilty. But it's not their fault.

"I've discovered that slower, more gentle love-making can leave me a little more satisfied as it takes a bit longer to climax.

"Even then I'm talking a couple of minutes at the most!

"I drink camomile tea to calm me down and I find a few glasses of wine on a night out can help to deaden the urges a bit."

Fortunately Ellie's bosses at the gallery understand her unusual needs. "They know what's happening if I suddenly go red and have to dart off," she said.

"And I certainly serve customers with a smile. Sometimes they just might hear me gasp as well!"

T-shirts I want to have made...

2006-05-20T14:12:00.000-05:00

Don't Shush Me!
because I don't ever want to be in a relationship AGAIN where I am shushed, or made to feel that being my exuberant, talky, laughing self is a bad thing.

(I am) One of the Rudest People
inspired by an awful woman at a movie theatre who told me (and T), "You are some of the rudest people." to this day, we don't know why... because we laughed during a comedy? Whatever. This slogan is another one about owning who we are, and not being apologetic about it.

I know you love me... Get over it.
inspired by a friend who doesn't deal well with men effusively telling her that they care about her. Plus, it's the perfect shirt for when you are feeling totally hot and untouchable. The perfect ego, good hair, good boobs, good tummy, good ass day.... or when you need a boost.

Death begins in the colon
this is from the radio program I work on. One of the hosts, D, has become obsessed with his colon and his mortality, and has been talking - for weeks - about getting a colonic irrigation treatment. colonics are like enemas, but with a modified pressure washer. They supposedly clean out all the detrius that has accumulated in your excretory system, and leave you feeling pounds lighter, and your tummy flatter. but they are gross to talk about. and, every time the topic comes up, D says, "Death begins in the colon." I think the shirt would need to be an oatmeal ringer tee, with brown contrast and brown writing.

I've been thinking about having these made, either on CustomizedGirl or another place. Unless I can find a silk-screener to make them cheaply. I am having the first 3 made for me and T. If you want one, or can think of other slogans that would rock, let me know.

How would YOU describe me?

2006-05-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

Recently, I asked someone whose opinion matters to me to pick one word to describe me. They couldn't find one word, but rather picked three. Two of them I readily own, and one really bothered me. In order of how they were presented to me, here are the words:
Passionate
Insecure
Spunky

I own passionate - I know I get riled up about things and people and ideas and music. I know I sometimes let my energy get ahead of me.

I fully accept spunky. It's been a part of me for a long time, though it's one of those things that I think is so tied into my physicality that it is hard to separate. Am I spunky because I'm short and cute? You don't usually see tall or bigger women described as spunky - it's mainly attributed to those who are shorter in stature and also energetic.

But the insecure thing... that really bothered me. This person actually meant mostly in terms of my career. I've talked to this person a lot about work and what bothers me, and they know I'm not getting the validation I as a person need in my daily work dealings.

Insecurity / neediness / acceptance is an issue I've been working on within myself for years. It's an old demon that I thought I had, for the most part, conquered. I no longer care what total strangers think of me, and I've had the strength to cut off unhealthy friendships ('cause I don't need to be validated by people who don't actually like or respect me). But, the insecurity apparently shines right through, and even this person, who is new in my life, sees it as an integral part of me.

So, my group of personal advisors, what three (or five) words would you use to describe me? I'm trying to get a real picture of who / what I am presenting to the outside world. Only when you are aware of things can you work to change them.

Post back here or email me privately with your thoughts. If you choose, I'll put my thinking cap on and do the same for you.

Friday's Brush with Celebrity

2006-05-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

So, country music stars Big & Rich were on-air Friday with the Young & Elder morning show on KIX 106, and since I had met them before, I wanted to get a picture.
When I asked, they said "sure, we love redheads!"

here's my photo with them:

that's Big Kenny (in the funny hat, ducking down) on the left, and John Rich on the right. And that's me grinning in the center. I don't think I've ever looked shorter.

I DESERVE

2006-05-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

inspired by another quick skimming of my dating bible, "He's Just Not That Into You"...

a few slogans to keep in mind when dating and living one's life:
DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY
Better than nothing isn't good enough
Mixed Messages are a woman's excuse

I DESERVE:
To be treated with respect and dignity.
A man who is proud to be giong out with me.
A man who wants to date me, be seen with me and is willing to tell people about me / us.
To be a priority in someone else's life, not an afterthought.
A man who admits when he's made a mistake.
To be wanted.
To be cherished and adored.
To be complimented (without fishing).
Someone who actually likes me, not who they think I could be.
Surprises (because I love surprises).
Someone who does what they say they are going to do.
To be asked out.
To be asked out 24-48 hours in advance of a potential date.
To be presented with a planned date, not some vague "hanging out".
Advance planning and follow through.
To get a phone call.
To get a phone call during the daylight hours.
To get a return phone call / text, even if it is just to say, "I'm busy, we'll chat later."
Someone who is willing to consider and discuss the future.
To not be shushed (to be the loud, exuberant me that I am).
Someone who orders my favorite drink without asking.

Do you have more suggestions? Please post or email them to me. This is a list I wrote up last night when I was inspired.

added by my dear friend Juan,
to be as central a focus of his life, as he is to mine.

Go Away, B!

2006-05-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

why won't B just leave me alone?
Why does he feel the need to email and check up on me?
It's like he's trying to annoy me into not moving on. It's not like I have any interest in getting back together or going back to that life... but, by constantly popping back in, he's keeping me thinking of him and not able to fully move on.
I'm just so frustrated by my life right now...

Squirrel Suicides and a bad case of the lonelies

2006-05-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

I went out to get my morning Soy Latte, and saw at least two different dead squirrels in the middle of the road (not as bad as dead skunks in the middle of the road, but still...). Back when we were in high school, my brother and I would look for roadkill on our drive to school. If we saw roadkill and the car with the naked bitch mudflaps, it was going to be a good day. (high school superstititions)

it is 10:30 am on a Sunday, and my loud-walking upstairs neighbor is playing music, just loud enough for me to hear. It's the new bon jovi song, "Who Says You Can't Go Home?", but i can't tell whether it's the solo or the version with jennifer nettles from Summerland. I'm going to bet it is the country version, as that is the genre she usually plays loud enough for me to recognize.

Friday night, I got unintentionally wasted. The radio show had a live remote at On the Border in Cordova (the suburbs, with one of the big malls), and I had one margarita. On a day with a small lunch and no nap. So, I was buzzed. Enough that the (new) friend A, who met me there, made me leave my car there for our later plans. My friend T also came by, and seemed quite amused as my tipsy antics. I rarely get that way, and I am (as I well admit) one of those people who feels the need to tell you when I'm drunk. A and I went downtown to Beale Street Music Festival (not in time to see Jason Mraz). I tried to get a hold of S, as he lives downtown, right near the park where the music festival was, but he didn't call or text me back.

A & I had a great time. We got some food (Steak on a Stick) and drinks (really awful SoCo hurricanes, which weren't even frozen) and went to check out a few bands. We saw Bryan Adams, and sang along to most songs. While we were standing around waiting for the Canadian pop singer to start, two fellas started chatting us up - Maurice and Todd. A called Todd "Superman" because he was tall and skinny and had that Clark Kent look about him. Todd was talking to her, Maurice to me, but it was all in good fun. And since they are from Ohio, though Maurice now lives in Pasadena, it's fair to say we won't see them again, so i have no issue with posting their names. We stayed at that stage through about half of Train (I know they are middle of the road pop, but I like them), and then went off to see Three 6 Mafia. triple six are local, and won an oscar (!), so we thought it might be fun. The guys ran off in white middle-american terror in about two songs. We stayed for about half the set, then I couldn't handle it anymore, so we walked the park. Saw the CC tent, the one hosted by the old radio conglomerate I used to work for. I waved at some former co-workers from the fence, and they motioned for me to come in. I said I couldn't, and one ripped his wristband off and handed it to me so I could come in. So, I did, and one of the radio engineers (the second youngest one), hit on me a little bit, as did a TV cameraman I could always count on for some harmless flirting. There was a little drama that I still don't understand from the girlfriend of a guy I used to work with (who apologizes to me for my quitting everytime I see him). But I felt bad because A was waiting outside, so I left. We were stuck in a parking structure for nearly an hour, trying to leave, and I got home at 2 and passed out.

Saturday, A called me at 8:30, and we decided we would indeed go to Pilates (how we met) and then she would take me to my car. So, we did, and I was back to my car by noon. I tried to call T, as I was in her neighborhood, but got no answer. So, i headed home.

It was another of my lonely Saturdays. Friday nights and Saturdays are when I feel the loneliest. Weeknights, it's understandable that I am alone. Not a lot of my friends work a normal 8-5, so it is hard to coordinate with other radio peeps. And, I'm often exhausted. But weekends are when I really feel single, and kidless, and friendless. And as a single, kidless person, I have to negotiate around other peoples' (couples, mothers) schedules. And, I feel like since B and I broke up, and I've started to explore and think, I've become really good at overthinking and being needy. And not everyone wants that. So, I spend Saturdays staring at the TV. I wanted to go to MusicFest yesterday (cake and Huey Lewis and Bruce Hornsby were all playing), but I couldn't find anyone to go with, and then it started raining, and I didn't want to go downtown to a crazy event by myself, as a single girl. Safety and feeling like a loser combined.

So, its Sunday, and I woke up early again (8:30), and the case of the lonelies is starting to hit again. And I don't have the bookstore, 'cause I took off from it for MusicFest (thinking I'd have plans come together) and now i don't have any solid plans.

This single thing, it's frustrating. And, even though I'm an outgoing person, it's harder to meet people than you would think. And I have trust issues now, and I need more reassurance now.

On an totally unrelated note, I have to post this 'cause I am SO frustrated. I have a fake name that I use on the air, Mitzi. I've grown fond of it, as it separates my work persona from me, and keeps the scary listeners from knowing my real name. Apparently, my PROGRAM DIRECTOR (*that's boss) thought it was okay to tell one of these scary listeners (that has become a drinking buddy of his) my real name. And dude was using it, in front of other people, at the event on Friday. And, he told me that ML (the PD) had told him my name. The a-hole was gloating about the whole thing. AAARRRGGHH!

conversations with the ex

2006-05-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

excerpts from Friday's emails from B:

Thu 4/27/2006 9:13 AM
I just wanted to check in and see if everything is ok? I have been trying to give you your space and let you enjoy life without me giving you a hard time… I can take a hint. When you never called me back about W’s party I understood that you do not want to talk to me. I want you to be happy. For a long time you were such a large part of my life and I do have to say I miss you. I do not know when we stopped talking but I hope some day we can start again.

You friend forever,
B

(my reponse)
Thursday, April 27, 2006 9:26 AM
everything is good. the ratings come out next week, and I hope they don't suck.
thank you for the space... understand, it is not just you. I need my space from everything and everyone to get myself back on track.
I hope you are well, too.

Thu 4/27/2006 10:38 AM
...I do not think you will have any issue with the ratings, the show sounds great. I can hear your influence in it and they are lucky to have you. Thanks for writing back I am glad to hear that everything is going well and when you are ready I will be around. Jess I have some good friends in my life that I hope to have for the rest of my live and I hope that you will be one of them…

Thank you for being a friend…
B

excerpt from Sunday's email from B:

Sun 4/30/2006 9:49 PM
I want to say how sorry I am for calling you that name the night of the party… I am so sorry. I felt like you were trying to kick me out. I know that I do not show it very often but I do have feelings. That night it hurt me when you were telling me to go. I know that was not your intent. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to say it. Jess you will never now what an important part of my life you are. It was great seeing you today and I am sorry that I made up such a dumb reason “coming to the bookstore”. You look great, and I am glad that everything is going well.

Sorry,
B

The Return of B and the rest of my weekend

2006-04-30T14:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently, not talking to someone for 2 months, and replying briefly to their emails is not enough to give the hint that I don't really want to talk.

I got to the bookstore a little early today, and the owner, H, was here (he owed me a check). While we were catching up, B came into the store. H knows him, knows the situation (I have worked here nearly two years, and was customer for a year prior), and so said Hey to B before I saw him, as a warning. And, bless H, stayed around the whole time, just in case. At one point, he even gave me an eyebrow question (no words) as to whether to leave or stay, and I signaled him back to stay, please.

B, on my recommendation months prior, had traded in a bunch of books and books on tape that I had given him for credit at the bookstore. He (supposedly) came in to pick up a book today, and to see how I was doing, etc. I chatted politely, explained why I hadn't been talking to him ("you call me a bitch, and that pretty much does it for me.") We caught up on family, his and mine, and our friends a little bit. K, the friend who unjustifiably flipped out on me in March, is currently in Florida with her father, who is being treated for prostate cancer. (please pray for him). B tried to open the door to chatting and such again, and I told him it was probably best to stick with email.

Strangely (ironically, Alanis?) enough, I'm wearing a shirt today he hated. It has holes in, though I wear it with a cami, and he hated it because it made me look poor (or something).

B and I had chatted a tiny bit this week via email, and I had explained that I needed the space from everyone and everything to get my life on track. I guess my response was enough for him to think it is okay to drop back into my life. Why won't he understand that we are over, and whatever friendship we had before, we can't go back to it? I mean, we broke up. Then he tried to win me back. Then I tried to get some distance. Then he called me a bitch at a party in front of all our friends. Then I stopped talking to him, completely, and had no interest in spending any time with him again.

I may have posted about this before (I can't remember) but a few weeks ago, I had a flurry of emails come into my work email account of a stormy Friday, all relating to K's husband W's birthday. There was to be some sort of gathering to celebrate, and the specifics were being changed and rescheduled due to the expected rainstorms. They ended up deciding on an (expensive) steak dinner downtown. Due to my inclusion on these emails, I was invited. I mentally debated the whole thing, and decided I really didn't want to go, as I would inevitably be seated next to B (old habits die hard, and it's always couple-couple-couple with that group, even though B and I have been broken up for over 6 months). Also, the unresolved "sneaky and rude" issue with K made me even more uncomfortable and loathe to attend. I had already pretty much decided not to go (after debating whether not going made me an asshole or a bitch) when I got a voicemail message on my phone (which only intermittently works in the bookstore) from B, making sure I knew what was going on, and when and where. After that call, I called my friend T, who was stuck at her radio station with S, ran the situation past her (she of course said I shouldn't go, and still thinks I'm far to nice about the break-up with B), and made arrangements to take Chinese food to her and S at the radio station. And had more fun there with them than I would have at steak dinner with my ex and a friend who flipped on me.

On another, unrelated note, have I mentioned Thursday's kick-ass (kick-abs?) Pilates workout? I went to a class I have never attended before, and ended up being the only student. So, I essentially got a private lesson for the cost of a normal class, which is already a bonus. The person teaching the class is someone I've only had as an instructor once before, and she kicked my ass then. Thursday was no exception... but the beauty of a one-on-one lesson is that I really learned where some of my weaknesses are, and we focused on them. And, damn! Friday my upper abs hurt all day - especially every time I laughed. I wasn't really hungry, and my belly muscles ached all day, but it was a good ache. And they ached all day Saturday. Today, they are okay, but my legs hurt. But that could be from bowling (for the first time in YEARS, probably since I moved here) on Friday night. I have an unconventional bowling style, a bad wrist, and it took me a while to find the right weight ball. As I consequence, I think my highest score in 4 games was 125. I did at least win at bar trivia that night. I still haven't gotten over losing a game of Trivial Pursuit, 90's edition, a few weeks ago.

Also, Friday was a good day, as there were free massages at work. Really. Coolest thing ever. A bunch of massage students were camped out in our conference room, giving free rubs for practice and credit. So, I had two. One before I had finished my work, and one after (as a prize to myself). Between the two people, I got a lot of the tension I store in my neck and shoulders out. It was very relaxing.

Yesterday, I had plans (not plants, or pans, or pants) to go to Oxford, MS for the Double Decker Festival with T and her two girls. But there was heavy rain in the forecast, and so we canceled those plans, and instead went to dinner and a movie (just us grownups) in the evening. We saw the movie "Stick It" and just had a nice time of it.

So, here I am today, at the bookstore and still reeling from B's ambush. It's not accidental he came by today - he knew my work hours and that I would normally be alone at the store. I don't like being put in an uncomfortable situation, and he did that. Arghh!

Today's brush with the famous

2006-04-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

So, it's not the best picture... it was taken with a camera phone, and we didn't realize until it was emailed back to me that it is blurrrry...
but, here it is...
me with John Corbett...

hmmm... he looks familiar, you say, but the name doesn't ring any bells.
Aidan from "Sex & The City"
the DJ from "Northern Exposure"
the guy from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"
the hunky preacher from "Raising Helen"

and, now he is a country recording artist, who has his own band, the John Corbett Band. Who decided to drop by the radio studios for some impromptu interviews. Who was passing through Memphis, and booked a gig that is going on right now.

And, oddly enough, he was super-nice and down-to-earth. Really friendly, smiling, and outgoing. And the stuff he said off-air was even cooler. He's a really big Elvis fan, and a collector of Elvis memorabilia. And, when he left, he gave me the handshake-cheek kiss (on my right cheek). So, I walked around on a cloud a little bit today after that. :)

Even weirder, I got a little crush on his guitarist-producer, Tara Novick (who is a dude, despite the name). While John was talking to the radio hosts I work with, I was chatting with Tara about LA and the scene he used to be a part of. He was cute, and had that Frank Zappa-like dark intensity. And what girl hasn't had a bit of a rocker fantasy, at one point or another?!?

So, that was the surprising coolness of my workday. Rock on!

hormonal imbalances?

2006-04-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

So, I recently went off the pill (in February), after being on it, nearly non-stop, since I was 17 1/2 years old. I started my first prescription the first day of college (and hurked up my breakfast on the first day of college, as well). I've only been off it for about 3-6 months when I lived in Eugene, and I had no insurance, and mom couldn't get me freebies. Otherwise, I've been on it for nearly 14 years, my entire adult life.
When I went on it, at 17, it was for a combination of reasons - I had crazy-awful periods when I was a teenager. Every 3rd or 4th month, I'd have the periods that made me lie on the floor and cry, and crawl to the bathroom to vomit. I was on 800 mg of ibuprofren (prescription horse pills) for days. I had severe PMS (which I didn't recognize in myself, but my mom and aunt did) and became a raging biznotch a week before I started. But I was also really short and skinny, and my mom feared putting me on hormones until I was grown enough. My senior year of high school, I believe, I reached my current height of five feet, zero inches (my last doctor's visit they said I was 5 feet, 1/2 inches, but I don't really claim that). Reaching that height was a milestone, as doctors had told my mom and I when I was in 5th or 6th grade that I would be lucky to reach five feet (they x-rayed my hands and skull, and tried to get mom to put me on steroids and HGH shots).
So, the summer between high school and college, mom got me an appointment with an OB-GYN she worked with, and accompanied me to the exam. I was 17, not sexually active, and terrified of college (and the exam). They put me on my first scrip, which was changed after 3 months, because I kept on getting my period (like, 3 times in the first month, which sucked for the first month of college). In 14 years, I've been on maybe 3 different formulations (and their generics). For years, I was on a 1/35 formulation, then moved to a triphasic (7-7-7) to mitigate some of the stronger hormonal reactions, then to another triphasic (tri-cyclen). I liked the effects of the multi-/tri-phasics, but was scared to go on anything less because of the breakthrough bleeding (and the tendencies of women on my mom's side of the family to get pregnant while on various forms of birth control).
I've spent years having my hormones controlled and suppressed, and a combination of factors caused me to go off the pill a few months ago. My 3 month prescription ran out, and due to a clerical screw-up at my office, I didn't have an insurance card. I was out of a relationship, and had no "need" for the pill. And, my mom has been going off about the effects the pill on women and their choice of partners. Since I just got out of a relationship that I maybe didn't make the best choices in, I thought, if I can get all my pheromones working so I make better man choices, that can't be a bad thing. And not having the old back-up of being on the pill can keep things from moving so quickly, too, if/when I'm dating...
So, my last scrip ran out in February. And, I was so caught up in other stuff, I forgot to note it... So I've been surprised by some of the reactions my sad little body has had in rebound. I have NO idea when my periods will start... and they've been far from regular, and throw me for a loop. I've been so used to ending the live pills Saturday, starting on Tuesday and going until Saturday, then starting the new pack on Sunday that I'm surprised when I start. I'm surprised by the cramps again. I've broken out in ways I haven't, ever. I've got cystic acne on my face and decolletage and back, and feel like an awkward 16-year-old (which is not the way I want to feel when I'm trying to date again, at the age of 31). I'm crankier, more emotional about odd things.
I've also been cleaning the house like mad. I think it's part of that whole nesting thing that happens with the hormone surges in pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant, don't freak out. I just mean that maybe my hormones rebalancing is part of what is contributing to this annoying cleaning kick. I've never been much of a cleaner, and now I want order everywhere.

Things don't happen in a vacuum, and I know some of these odd reactions are related to other things in my life - fallings out with friends, career challenges, attempts at dating and making friends again after so long of not doing either - but it's still weird.
I know myself well enough to know that some of these things are so inter-related that it's hard to make heads or tails of it all, but I know that I am, again and again, trying to make sense of my universe, and to make my world mine again. It's amazing how long a break-up can really take. It's not here one day, and gone tomorrow - it's finding clothing in your wardrobe and needing to get away from it. It's memories and thoughts and stories and "where do I fit without this person / these people in my life?" and all the struggles with that.
It's like I was telling someone, it's not that I want to get back together with B, or any of that, but at least with him I knew I had plans. My weekends and days made sense - I talked to him every night before bed, maybe grabbed food and watched TV on weeknights, and then did something on Friday and/or Saturday, with maybe even a Sunday brunch or dinner with the extended friend group. Now, I struggle around to find my place in the universe again, and I don't think I'm doing too good a job of it.

Saturday Inertia

2006-04-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

So, as you see below, last night I had written a great post, was just about to add pictures to it when blogger decided I didn't need the 15 or 20 minutes of clever writing, and the screen refreshed and erased it all. It was a fitting end to a Saturday.

Since B and I broke up last fall... and more so since my decision to maintain the distance some of my friends in that social group... I've found I have A LOT MORE TIME on my hands... and a lot less to do on weekends. Strangely, I've been finding ways (through work events and such) to fill my weeknights... but my weekends are filled with a lot of nothing.

My past week:
Monday - at home, best I can remember. Oh, and some grocery shopping.
Tuesday - Pilates (5:30-6:30); Grizzlies game (vs. LA Clippers, last pre-playoffs home game) with Randi (from work, who somehow got lost on the way to my house and ended up in Mississippi). Parked in the media lot, which we gained admittance to by giving the lot attendant station swag (condoms and lighters). Saw just over half the game (which, due to playoffs, both teams were trying not to win), including a half-time show with world-champion acrobatic trampoline artists (really!) and a performance by the cutest little kid dance team (they looked like those kids in Missy Elliot videos). When we were leaving, some dude looked at my shirt and asked me about Southern California. He said he was from the west coast, Oregon, and when I asked him where, he said Eugene, at which point I had to ask him which high school he attended... which was Sheldon, the same high school that all 3 of my sibs went to when we lived in "Blue Jeans" Oregon. Small, small world, and kinda funny too... and we may have converted him to a listener, as we told him about the station and gave him free condoms and lighters out of Randi's magic prize purse. We went to dinner at Hard Rock (where our waiter, young Wesley, insulted my choices in food and then gave us the slowest, mockingest service ever).
Wednesday - a night at home, no real good TV.
Thursday - Memphis Redbirds game (which was a station promotion), and met up with S and watched the game.
Friday - Bookstore (another Friday night do-dah, this time for the University of Memphis State University literary society or something). Did have some nice convos with artists at bookstore / artists market. But was dull, with no book customers. Then, home and TV. No big plans, no cool stuff.

Which brings me to my Saturday.
Woke up about 9:30, decided to go to Pilates and get my workout on (the more I notice the slow-but-sure effects Pilates has had on my body, the more motivated I am to go). I knew my friend K wasn't planning on going, so got ready and headed out by myself to the 10:15 class. It was a good workout, I saw my old instructor Traci for the first time since she had the baby (I also saw the baby, who is so cute and so small). After class, this girl who had been a few times before was asking questions about Pilates, so asked her if she wanted to head to Starbucks with me for a post-workout drink. We went, got drinks, and sat on the patio for about an hour and half, gabbing and getting to know each other. My brother later called it a "girl-date", which is pretty accurate. I've maintained for years that making friends is as painful as dating. But this girl, Ashley, was really cool, and has only been in Memphis for 10 months, so she's as open to making friends as I am.
At about 1, I headed home to my exciting day of nothing. Called my brother JD, and talked to him about life, the universe and nothing for about an hour. Then, I puttered around, watching TV, listening to music and cleaning (again) for the rest of the day. If I don't find something else to fill my time, and soon, I'm going to run out of things to clean / tidy / organize / dust / sort / purge / swiffer. I loaded and ran the dishwasher. I swept the living room (for like the 4th time in 2 weeks). I took out the trash and recycling. I heated up mostly empty lotion bottles to get the last usable stuff out of them (it works - put them in a little hot water for a minute or two, and then pour out into another bottle) and recycled the bottles. I sorted and catalogued and boxed my magazines for library donation. I went through all my medicines and vitamins, and flushed all expired ones (and recycled the bottles). I went through all my old toiletries and did the same thing... and dusted and swept the areas I store them in. By the time I was done with all that, I had to take the trash and recycling out again. (my contribution to earth day, I guess). And, during this whole process, I discovered that I had given myself a nice one-armed severe farmer's-tan-burn on my left arm from my al fresco beverage with my new Pilates friend.
Like I said, an exciting Saturday. I didn't even have any TV to look forward to, as the WE network has stopped carrying my Australian soap opera, McLeod's Daughters. That was at least something I could do on empty Saturday nights. (This isn't the first time WE has done this to me; they also stopped carrying Cutting It, right as I was getting into the storyline.)

Such is life. I'm now working at the bookstore, for my 5-hours-on-Sunday shift. I've actually had a few customers, and may today even reach my personal goal of selling enough books to pay my wages (some days, that is merely a pipe dream).

I know my whole East Coast family is currently out West this weekend - Dad is in Vegas for NAB, Bebe is out in Oregon for her college visit and decision making tour, and Mom will soon be joining her (and staying on longer for a trek south to see the LA branch of the family). Wish them all luck in their endeavors.

I'm going to go tidy and sweep and organize the store a little bit. That is, after all, what I am here for, right? :)

No commentary... lost entry... pictures only...

2006-04-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

I had just finished this entry, and the blogger interface erased the entire thing.

I had written about 10 or so paragraphs. I'm heartbroken.

Here's the pictures that I had written about.

Maybe, if I have energy tomorrow, I'll rewrite this and add all the comments and details. It's nearly midnight on another solo Saturday night (after another Saturday of housecleaning - the 3rd or 4th in a row). I have a sunburn on the side of my left arm, and I'm in extreme pain from it. And I don't have any aspirin to take, as the vial I had was 3 years old, and I threw it out today as part of the housecleaning.

I bid you a fond adieu!

romance novels versus porn

2006-04-21T19:17:00.000-05:00

people are weird. and weird people want to argue with you about weird things.
I'm sitting in the bookstore, and a weird Asian fellow (approximately my age, I would guess) asks me what romance novels are, why people read them, and the relationship of them to sex, desire, lust, romance, and porn. And, whenever I would try to educate, inform, or opine, the dude would yell over me with his ill-formed hypothesis likening romance novels to hateful depictions of male-female relationships, akin to porn. I don't like arguing with uninformed people, and I don't like being yelled at. And, I don't like discussing sex and sexuality with a stranger with an axe to grind.
weird, weird, weird.
more soon... i have random pictures to post. I heart my camera phone. (I don't heart the charges for mailing myself the photos)

"I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it"

2006-04-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

Did you win anything in the big $220 million Powerball drawing last (Wednesday) night?
I did. I do the $5 quick pick, no powerplay. And I had, on one of my 5 lines, the powerball, number 24. So , I won $3. First time in a long while! I suppose if I had dropped an additional dollar per ticket on the powerplay, I could have had 4 times the money. But $3 is cool. And next time the jackpot gets above $100 million, i'll start playing again.

So, I'm surprised I forgot to post this yesterday. I've found out that an ex-boyfriend is getting married. Next week. And I never would have known had I not dropped a quick note to his childhood best friend.

Now, before you get all weird, his childhood best friend edits a blog, called "Deadspin", about sports. When Tim and I were dating, Will was dating a girl named Jess as well. And he moved out to LA to work on a newspaper. So, I knew Will socially. He's a good guy, and I've kept in touch with him, peripherally, over the years. He's worked on a few different print and internet media, and as I come across his name on mastheads, I drop him a line to say hey.

The other day, I was reading Deadspin, and noticed all the references to the editor's love of the St. Louis Cardinals. The only major league baseball games I have ever been to were Dodgers v. Cardinals, both with Tim. Memphis' minor league team, the Memphis Redbirds, is farm club for the St. Louis Cardinals. And the new St. Louis Cardinals park, Busch Stadium, looks like Memphis Redbirds' stadium, AutoZone Park.

So, I dropped Will a note to that effect, and got an email back saying hey, and that he was heading to LA for Tim's wedding. Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I went to Wedding Channel and looked up his wedding details. All I can say from the registry is, she's got expensive tastes. That, and she must not be Catholic (the religion he was raised in), as the wedding and reception are being held at the same place, and neither is in a church.

The weird thing is my reaction to this. This isn't really the first ex who is getting married. Russ got married years ago, and I think I might have heard they may have kids now. And when he was planning on getting married, I was genuinely happy for him, for he seemed happy. But I don't really know about my exes; if they have been married, I just don't know about it. I'm not a person who really keeps in touch with my exes - that's just a reality of who I am and how I've lived. I think it's difficult to stay social and friendly with someone who you've shared so much, and who is associated with happiness and loss. A few exes I keep up with (my brother is still social with at least two of mine), but not directly.

And, Tim, well, we broke up and then I moved to Eugene. He had fallen out of love with me, but stayed with me because he didn't know how to say it. So, when I moved to Eugene, I really had no interest in staying in touch. And I found out from mutual friends that he was telling people the best way to deal with a break-up was to have her move away, so you didn't have to deal with it. So, I was a little bitter. When I moved back to LA, I phoned him up to catch up. And I emailed with him once or twice when I was living in LA. But we haven't really been in touch, and I was just fine with that.

I've thought about him recently, as I've been reviewing my life and loves and all that. And we weren't a great match, but he was the right guy in my life at that time. The year I graduated I wasn't really ready for the real world, and having a boyfriend who was still in college helped. He was a film student, in a fraternity, and, when it started, really liked me. The year I graduated I was living with my Aunt Vickie. Tim and I saw a lot of movies. He bought me flowers. And I got to play dress up and go to dances.

I always thought that when I found out an ex was marrying, I would be upset, but that hasn't bene the case. When Russ got married, I was happy for him; as much as I liked his parents and they liked me, Russ and I would have driven each other nuts. I know that now. And my reaction to Tim's impending wedding is more along the lines of, "hey, isn't that interesting? I used to know and love that guy. I hope he's happy and making a good decision for himself."

It also makes me feel old, like life is moving on and leaving me behind in the dust. All these people I once loved are moving to the next stage in their lives, a stage I would like to reach. And Tim is in LA, so he's getting married at the right marrying age (30) for that area.

So, yeah, I don't know... I think I'm happy for him, but i'm mostly disappointed in myself for not finding that happiness for myself yet. And, I know, all in due time. But still...

I'm okay, really...

2006-04-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

thanks to all of you who have called or emailed to make sure I was okay.
I'm fine, actually. I posted, and fumed to a few people (on the phone and in email) and it's all okay. Thanks again to those who listened, and provided advice.

I've learned (again) who can and can't be trusted. The short, non-detailed version of it is that rumor/gossip about me was passed around between former co-workers who work in three other states, and made it back to me from another former co-worker who I am still close with. It was like a game of telephone, or passing notes in class. Really lame, and really annoying, and really disheartening, disappointing, exhausting. My life really isn't that interesting, it's really none of their business, and all these GUYS (from start to finish, the rumor mill was staffed by adult males) have really busy lives that should have kept them busier than to talk about "did you hear about jessica?"

But, yesterday was a good day. I came home from work, napped (as best as I could between phone calls), and went to Pilates. Which totally kicked my ass, but in a good way. After class, chatting with the girlfriend I work out with, the muscles in my legs were totally twitching.

BTW, Pilates is TOTALLY working. Since I started Pilates (last July, about a month before B and I broke up), I've lost at least 10 pounds (I don't own a scale, so I've only been weighed twice since I started - at my annual in December, and at Jen's in March) and full pants size. Also, my face has thinned out (I have my chin back!) and my stomach is much flatter. If I were only doing cardio, I could lose the pooch above the hard muscle of my tummy (seriously, i have a hard tummy!). I said to someone the other day that, since last fall, I've lost at least 260 pounds - 10 off my body, and 250 of ex-boyfriend weight that was really dragging me down.

So, anyway, after Pilates I decided to return a gift to Victoria's Secret, and buy some new undies. It's part of my whole "Out with the old, in with the new" plan. I didn't make any resolutions this year; it's a gradual self-awareness and self-improvement campaign. I returned a gift that had been sitting in a box since January, and used the credit from that (and some of my own money) to buy THE BEST UNDIES EVER. Ladies, I'm not kidding. I've been burnt on VS for a while (they don't carry the big boobie bras, and give me scornful looks when I ask for my size), but these skivvies are awesome. They are part of the Body by Victoria line, the microfiber seamless ones, in the hiphugger cut. There is barely a waistband, they don't come too high or too low in the back or the front, and the legs are cut more like a boyshort (but with full butt coverage), and they sit right on the hipbone. They are cute, and comfortable (I didn't tug at them ONCE during work today), and don't show a line at all.

Once I had started shopping, I couldn't stop. I swung by the Payless Shoes, and found the cutest shoes that I have use for, so I didn't buy them. Super cute, though... It's a peep-toe, slingback wedge, in black or tan. Great for jeans, or skirts (if I ever wore them).

Then I walked into The Gap, and they had all sorts of stuff marked down. What I really need are new tops - I've found myself walking around half-dressed a lot recently, with my jeans and shoes picked out, and NO IDEA what to put on for a top. What I ended up buying were a pair of jeans, marked down to $19.99, which we all know is a GAP bargain. I couldn't help it - they were my skinny size, a size I haven't worn since I started dating B. I was that size when I moved to Memphis, but that is 4 years ago tomorrow (OH, GEEZ, I just realized that!). I had no choice but to buy the flattering and correctly sized skinny jeans. Any woman would be powerless in that situation. Oh, and I bought six pairs of socks, all on sale, at The Gap.

Which meant when I got home, I had to sort and purge the sock and underwear drawers. We should all do that from time to time. I've got undies I can remember buying when I first moved back to LA - in 2000. I just got rid of some i bought when I lived in Eugene. Yeah, I know... I also got rid of some favorite stripy socks that had lost their stretch. Made me sad. But I felt a great sense of accomplishment in getting my drawers organized and in order.

So, yeah, as the modern day prophet Kenny Loggins said (and later trained a small burrowing rodent to dance to), "I'm alright. Don't nobody worry about me."

Some people never grow up

2006-04-10T14:52:00.000-05:00

without getting into unnecessary details, I've once again learned:
that you can actually trust less people than you think you can...
that women don't have a monopoly on idle, destructive gossip...
that, apparently, some people never stop being 13-years-old...
that trust is something i give too easily...
that being grown-up does not equal being a "grown-up"...
that an interesting "secret" can spread over states and phone lines and email faster than a Topanga Canyon wildfire...
that I do have some true friends, but less than I had imagined I had...

Is it too much to ask that people in their late 20's and early 30's should behave as adults?
Why can't people be f-ing grown ups?

This seems to be a specific problem of mine of late... people who are adults who don't act, react, or behave in a manner befitting their age and station in life.

I'm so aggravated, frustrated, and annoyed... I'm also sad, upset, and naseous... and disappointed.

Why are people such shits?

Chinese food, guilt, housecleaning, and the right bra

2006-04-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

Today is Sunday, I'm working at the bookstore, and felt the need to write a little. Catharsis is good for the soul, as they say.

Friday night was good... for hanging out... (tip of the hat to Bernie/Elton for "Saturday night's alright for fighting")

There was another weather emergency in the local area on Friday, and my good friend T was going to have to work a VERY long day. I talked to her around 7 pm and found out that she would still be there for hours, and was craving Chinese food. I offered to bring her some, if she could get clearance from S to let me come by the "forbidden studios" (see the post below, no good deed goes unpunished" for further details on that drama). The permission was granted, and I brought them by the requested egg drop soup and various fried rices (chicken for T, shrimp for S, veggie for me, since it was a Lenten Friday) around 9-something.

The bringing-food-by also allowed me to ditch some of my guilt over another to-do on Friday. Friday morning I started receiving emails from members of my old social group - the friend who accused me of being "sneaky and rude" and the ex, B. It transpired to be the birthday celebration for the female friend's husband, and they were all trying to get some plans together.
I read these emails with a sense of detachment, as I knew I would feel supremely uncomfortable to be at this gathering. The man whose birthday was being celebrated is a salt-of-the-earth, all-around-nice-guy kind of fella, and I genuinely would have liked to have wished him happy birthday. But his wife has not apologized, either directly or indirectly, for flipping out on me for an imagined affront. And I've decided, in my old age, that I don't want to be around people who could so easily accuse me of doing something awful, and then recess into denial as if they had never said awful things to or about me. This also includes not being around my ex. It's not that he is a bad person, per se, it is just that he was a bad person for me, and I was a lesser version of myself when I was with him.

And I don't want to be a lesser version of myself anymore. Every relationship one chooses to be in should make them a better version of themselves.

(sorry, had to pause there - had a visit in the store from the aforementioned T and her lovely children, who have grown SO MUCH since the last time i saw them)

So, as I was saying, relationships should push us to be the best person we can be. And my relationships with some of that friend group was not. B called me a "bitch" the last time I saw him, and I resolved that would pretty much be the last time I spent any significant amount of time with or near him. I, as an adult, don't have to spend time with people who have disdain for me.

The hype over this gathering on Friday reached it's crescendo with a voice-mail message on Friday, while I was working at the bookstore, from B, the ex. Making sure I knew about it, in case I hadn't seen the emails, and the details (where / when everyone was meeting, etc). And I did have some anguish over the whole thing - was I being an ass by not attending? But a wise artist from the Artists Market gave me an Oprah platitude that helped - something along the lines of if you have reservations, there is a reason.

So, I resolved not go, even with the twinges of guilt I was feeling about that decision. Being with them, I would have been uncomfortable, and therefore unhappy. And why spend big bucks on a steak dinner to be unhappy on a Friday night? I was so much happier to spend $13.50 on take-out Chinese and hang out with two broadcasters whose company I enjoyed (and who enjoyed my company).

Saturday was a slightly different story. I kept on waking and falling back asleep, and missed my Saturday 10:15 am Pilates class. Life goes on, though I could have used it after my chinese food on Friday. I finally woke at 11-something, and realized all the power in my apartment was off (my alarm clock was un-clocked, there were no lights in the main room, and, most telling, the cable box was not displaying time). I threw on a sweatshirt and shoes, and stepped outside. A guy who works for the bike shop was washing a truck, and he told me it was out all over the block. I called it in to the local power utility, anyway.

Then I realized I had few options on how to while away my Saturday afternoon - clean or read. A phone call from Nicole distracted me for about an hour, but when she had to go, I had too much time on my hands. While talking to her, I had already folded and put away all my previously tossed a corner clean laundry. I made a list of cleaning (like I always do and ignore) and started to check things off. I didn't shower, because my hair is at the length that needs blow-drying or a straight iron to achieve non-ski-jumpiness in the back. Without electricity, one cannot straight iron their hair.

Even when the power came back on, I continued cleaning. I've moved the box of paper wrap back in the weird semi-storage space in my bedroom. Before I showered, I scrubbed my shower/tub (with Soft Scrub and brush).

I finally showered around 6 pm, a big "I've got time so let's take a long shower" shower. I shaved and exfoliated and moisturized. (You girls understand how time consuming that can be). Then I found out my plans for the night had fallen through, due to an overnight stomach bug. So, I was shaved and styled and moisturized, with nowhere to go. I called T, but she couldn't come out and play. So, I did more housecleaning - unloading the dishwasher, washing the rag rugs from my kitchen and bathroom. I also gathered (from the 3 or 4 places they collect) and sorted and stacked all my magazines, and just need to list them before i box them up for library donation (for tax write-off). I watched some TV, and decided to purge more of my closet into the charity bags - a few more old handbags are going bye-bye.

Tonight, I think I will swiffer my floors again (all rooms), dust the ceiling fan in my bedroom, scrub the bathroom sink and kitchen sink, and vacuum out all the little crevices in my kitchen. Or, more hopefully, I'll get out of the house. An overclean house scares me. I'm not used to it.

Actually, I REALLY need some furniture. A dresser to actually keep clothing in. A bedside table. A computer desk so I can get my kitchen table back. But that's when I find some good stuff, and the budget allows.

I can't believe I forgot to post about one of the most important things to happen to me this week - the purchase of the 62 dollar bra. This week, I went to the foundation garments store in town, A Fitting Place, and got fitted for the right size bra. And even though the lady didn't believe me when I told her my size (34-DDD, which is also known as 34-F), she soon confirmed it with her measure tape. I told her I didn't like minimizers (they flatten you out, and the center stays come up too high on the neckline), and which brand bra I would like to try out, Le Mystere (which sells Oprah's favorite bra). I tried two on, and fell in love with one model, the Carina. The Dream Tisha is the one that Oprah loves, but the shoulder straps were too wide for my tank tops.

Yeah, I know most women wouldn't complain about having big ones, but we all have our burdens. My other larger-breasted friends know the pain (and it is), of having to find the right bra (with right architecture, etc) and then the right clothes to work with the big ones. But, ladies, let me tell you, these bras are great. Even if you are more average-sized, I suggest trying these out. They have a smaller selection at some department stores, but I also found them online at Nordstrom. Though, before you go buying any, go to the department store or foiundation garment store and get fitted. You think you know your bra size, but you are probably wrong. There is some statistic that says that most women are wearing the wrong size. You gain weight, you lose weight, you have babies - all of these things change the shape and size of your rack. Trust me, it is such an ego boost to be wearing a great bra in the right size. Everything looks and feels better, and it makes you look thinner - really! I highly recommend it.

I should sign off. I've got 20 minutes left in my shift here. :)

The Alternative

2006-04-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I love the cable channel VH1 Classic?
No?
Okay, then, I LURVE VH1 Classic. Especially the program, "The Alternative".
Just tonight, I've seen / heard:
The Cure, Close to Me
They Might Be Giants, Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
some Big Audio Dynamite song I didn't know
Romeo Void, A Girl in Trouble
Morrissey, Sing Your Life
The Jesus and Mary Chain, some song I didn't know (April Sun)

It's like Junior High / High School / College in one show.

I had also forgotten how truly weird Robert Smith and the Cure were, especially their videos. In this one, the entire band was stuck in an armoire that crashes off a cliff into the sea. Their makeup remained unsmuged, though, as they were slowly drowning and playing the music.

Earlier today, before my post-work nap, I saw The Divinyls, "Pleasure & Pain". You may not remember this song... it was their hit before the super-huge dirty song that everyone remembers, "I touch myself". That lead singer, Christina, was not all that attractive facially, but she had big ones and short skirts and stockings with garter belt suspenders.

Nicole, if you are reading this, watching the Alternative is like hanging out with Chris G and Marty and sleeping over your house and driving in my first car. Just watching this show takes me back to the ages 14-24. Seriously.

Time for bed. Must turn off addictive music television and sleep. But I can't, they are playing New Order's "True Faith" (the "morning sun" song), the video with the weird people in puffy suits running backwards and jumping and stuff.

Music is far more emotionally laden than most people realize. I've always identified very strongly with music, and tied songs to certain moments in my personal history. it's funny how we don't always realize we're doing that. But then you hear a song, and you are 19 and at a fraternity party with your friends drinking Jungle Juice out of garbage cans. Or, you hear a song, and you are 13-14, with the most hopeless crush on one of your friends. You know how it is.

Bases Loaded, Full Count

2006-04-05T14:39:00.000-05:00

"so, T looked it up on the Internets, and apparently it would be considered tagged out between second and third."

The Five Factor Personality Test

2006-04-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

my mom had this on her blog, so I thought I would do it too...
is it true? I don't know... some is, some isn't. The questions are a little oversimple.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

More, More, More

2006-04-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

First things first - My agent fired me today, in an brief email, before I could draft the letter to fire him (which I have been writing in my head for weeks). As of the last day of May 2006, I am not represented. Yay. This is a good thing for me. This means I get 10% of my income back... which I plan on using to start a retirement fund, through my employer. Because of my age, I plan on being mid-range aggressive in my 401k investments. Any suggestions on funds (we are through Merrill Lynch), email me privately.

Now, onto the real reason I sat down to write tonight.
A recent email conversation has me thinking about love and all that...

[friend] I've been curious to ask you about your references to liking someone "too much," etc. Is it your fear of being hurt in a relationship that makes you say that? I'm afraid we have to open ourselves up to heartbreak before we can truly let ourselves fall in love.
If your fear is that you fall in love too quickly, well then you might have an issue. I can relate to that problem somewhat, but at least I can go to my grave saying that I had no regrets.

The reality is that I fall in love very easily, and often. I was asked a few weeks ago how many times I had been in love, and the answer is probably 6 or 8 times. Each time is different, like each heartbreak is different.

I've also had some very powerful crushes over the years. I've also had my heart stomped on and shattered, and in most of my relationships, have the break-up-ee, not the break-up-er. Chalk part of that up to my stick-to-it-ive-ness, and part of that up to my powers of denial. (You know when something isn't going right, but you ignore the voices telling you so because you want to make something work.)

I've screwed things up at the beginnings of things by being over-keen. I've had a guy (in college) tell me I was being (and I quote), "too girlfriendy". (BTW, this was after he had phoned me and asked me to come over because his parents were putting their childhood dog down, and he didn't want to be alone.) Post college, a guy I really liked (who lived in a Portland, when I was in Eugene) called things off for basically the same reason. I fell hard, and it scared him. And then he later regretted some of his decision, as he would occasionally email me to find out how I was doing, and express his regrets (and other things).

When you (and by "you", I mean me) open yourself up fully to the groundswell of mutual attraction, like, and even (gasp) lust, you open yourself up to the greater pain of rejection. Or to being used by unscrupulous, uncareful men (boys, really).

So, as I've gotten older, I've made efforts to keep all that in check, to move a more careful, measured pace into relationships. Hasn't really worked, to be honest. I really only add a level of anxiety to the whole proceedings. Even when I'm not the first one falling, I still end up being caught up in the whole thing, and moving too quickly into relationships. It's always heart before head in my world.

I totally understand the concept of "in love with love". Feeling the first flushes of something can be so heady, giddy, wonderful, a rush. There's something to be said for walking around slightly dazed and stupid. It's the rest of it that is confusing.

Ah, well. Such is life, really. Love is the drug (as Brian Ferry said), and Love is all we need (John-Paul-George-Ringo).

The other thing that trips me up is my history of "non-relationships" / "un-relationships". The ones where we are going out (spending time together, making plans, and all the rest), but they don't want to be pinned down to one girl, or to admit that we are together. Why have I put up with this? I'm still working on the reasons. But it is something that goes back to High School with me - MP & DR from the high school era, RM from college (god, did I try to make that boy love me), and most recently B.

My friends think I'm such a strong person, but I don't think I am, as much as a strong personality. When confronted with attraction and the possibility of love, I become a marshmallow. Why else would I have put up with the constant semi-rejection of B and the others before him? DR from high school was seeing THREE girls at once, but we all thought we were the only, and didn't understand why the other two were hanging out and calling him. I was the most steady of the three, but, in retrospect, that had more to do with the fact that I had a car (I was a year older) than how much he did or didn't care for me.

So, I guess these stories illustrate my reluctance to fall too hard and too fast, as I always do. Because when I fall hard and fast, I open myself up to pain, rejection, and loss of common sense. I just hope in my future, I can keep as level-headed as possible whilst also following my heart.

I want to have the certainty about my love decisions as my friend above did. I want to be able to say I have no regrets, but that isn't true. There are things I regret - things I did and didn't do (to this day, I still wish I had had a chance with KM when it was available, but it passed). There are times I regret. And there are times that make me laugh and smile and say, can you believe I did that?

10 years younger

2006-04-03T15:48:00.000-05:00

So, I had a really good weekend... and I'm walking around really happy today. But I don't feel like posting about it, 'cause I don't like to jinx things.

So, instead, I thought y'all might appreciate seeing something really funny. Me, just under 10 years ago.

These photos were emailed to me (last year) by my good friend in LA, Juan. Juan and I worked together at a now-defunct company called Virgin Sound and Vision. I was a temp, part-time college student receptionist (this was during my last semester of college, and first few months out). Juan was a temp executive assistant, who I somehow stayed friends with lo these 10 years. Funny how life works.

These pictures were all taken on the same day. Juan scanned them in recently. The thing is, I don't what the occasion was - juan's going-away gathering, my graduation, my going-away gathering.

I hope Juan doesn't mind me posting these.

It's funny, really, because I've been saying to some of my friends that I think I am better looking now, at 31, than I was at 21. And these are pictures of that age. And I think I'm right. And it's not just that I have a little more sense of how to dress for my height / body type. And it's not that I have a better hairstyle ('cause that one is pretty cute, even if it is a little too brown for my current tastes). And it's not that I'm thinner now (I'm not, but I am fitter, and that one is an on-going proccess).

The real reason is I have confidence and experience and wisdom, which you don't have at 21. You have youth, but if you don't know what to do with youth when you're young (which I didn't), you have to wait until you have wisdom and knowledge and an understanding of who you are (and aren't) and what you will and won't stand. And then you can be a true hottie!

Think before you speak...

2006-03-31T17:51:00.000-06:00

Something funny that my friend, T, forwarded me. It's been going around the Internets.
As someone who unintentionally says things all the time, I thought it was funny enough to post. enjoy.

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy' s pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.

No good deed goes unpunished

2006-03-28T14:27:00.000-06:00

I'm so frustrated right now.
I can't really even put it all into words.
Due to recent string of events and over-reactions on the part of others and mature adult decisions on my part, I've narrowed my local friends to a much smaller roster.
One of these remaining real friends is my former co-worker, T. She still works for the evil empire. Recently, she's been busy and stressed, and yesterday I bought her a cute little mug (on sale) at Starbucks and brought her the mug and lunch. I came to her office (my former office) to visit with her and have lunch. I checked in with the front desk, got a visitor pass, and went back to her studio area to eat and chat.
I hung out for a while with her, and also visited with S, her current boss, who is a new friend of mine (T introduced us about 2 months ago). It was well-intentioned social visit, with no malice.
I called T today, and she told me that the Operations Manager of her station stopped her, and told her he had heard that I was there visiting. She affirmed this, and then she was told that under no circumstances was I to be allowed to be in the "work areas" and studios.
Yesterday was the second time I've been there in the past month, and I was in no way being evil, malicious, sneaky, or any other thing. Both times I checked in with the front desk, got the visitors pass, and was escorted everywhere I went.
I wanted to visit two of my friends in their workplace... which just happens to be my old workplace.
I didn't leave that company on the best of terms, but I didn't leave on the worst. Due to mounting frustrations over my lack of advancement and respect, I left. Because they wouldn't give me any concessions on the non-compete, I quit without two weeks notice. And I worked in a non-related field and lived off savings for the duration of my 180-day non-compete. It has been over a year since I left, and over 6 months since my non-compete expired and I was allowed to work in my field again.
I know that my friends work for the "competition", but I know that individuals there (like T & S) are my friends.
The Ops Mgr that pulled T aside and gave her this warning is the co-host of the direct competition to the show I produce. He also hates the guys I work with, because they also left that group, albeit 15 months ago, and launched a show to compete with his.
I'm mad and sad about this whole thing. It sucks that I won't be able to visit T (though I do admit that I was told twice this morning by my current show that I do have "big brass ones" for even stepping foot over there). It sucks that she got admonished. It sucks more because I'm sure the Ops Mgr doesn't know that I know S (he's only been the boss there for a few months, and was not the boss I quit on), and so I'm sure he didn't get the lecture that T got. If S really thought my being there was a problem, I'm sure he would have told me to leave, get out, and not come back. He's too new there to ruffle that many feathers, and our friendship is too new to put his job in jeopardy over.
AAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHH!
I feel like shiznit about this whole thing, both for myself and T. When I quit over there last year, we stopped talking for months, to protect both of us. But time has passed, and it's not like I would sabotage equipment or steal trade secrets. I'm not that guy. I don't think people are bad people, and wouldn't ever do something that mean or stupid. I don't understand pranks, and I certainly wouldn't do anything that awful.

Heck, my Mardi Gras beads are still hanging on my old cubicle.

Oh, well, I need my nap. If you have any comments on this whole situation, please feel free to post them.
Pah!

My visit to Phoenix

2006-03-26T23:10:00.000-06:00

Two weeks ago, I finally had the time to get out to AZ and see Jen, Berin and Baby Ryan.

My goal was to get some time away from my life here, and to meet the baby before he started walking and talking (he was 8 months old when I met him). A couple of vacation days taken by the hosts of the show I produce afforded me a long weekend away.

It was a short trip (I arrived late at night on Thursday, and flew back very early on Sunday), but was well worth it.

The first full day I was there, Friday, we went to lunch and shopping. Lunch was at a Pan-Asian place called "Do". Ryan was well-behaved, and the waitresses at the place absolutely loved him.

After lunch, we strolled around the place, Kierland Commons, and happened upon a 'sniffy smell-good' store that was having it's grand opening that day. The shop was called Fruits & Passion. It is a Canadian shop that is opening the very first US store. I bought a very yummy smelling espresso candle, and some cacao (cocoa) hand butter.

On Friday, Jen also took me to Trader Joe's, a shop we don't have here.
On Saturday, they were gracious enough to make sure I got to eat the foods I miss (including Hot Dog on a Stick and In-N-Out Burger) and to shop for things I can't find here (a flavor of instant oatmeal, a certain brand of refried beans).

In one day, Jen took me to two different malls, so I could have my beloved Hot Dot on a Stick lemonade (and an actual "hot dog on a stick"). I even had Jen take a picture of me in front of the stand, though it is backlit, so it's difficult to see that it is me. Also, it was raining that day (for the first time in over 140-something days), so I'm wearing my raincoat.

I stopped at the Paradise Bakery in that mall and got some cookies too. We don't have that stand locally either.

That same day, we also went to another "high-end" shopping center, shopped for more skin creams (at L'Occitane) and bras (at Victoria's Secret), where a salesgirl talked me into "updating" my VS card, and ended up running my credit card again. Stupid cow. (but I didn't find this out until I was back.)

We had a nice girls afternoon of seeing a movie whilst the baby had daddy-time. Ryan is a very cute, very sweet-natured baby who warmed up to me quickly. Jen & Berin are doing a great job raising him, and I wish I could be around him more often, instead of being the weird "auntie" who mails gifts from time to time.

On Saturday, we had dinner at In-N-Out Burger, a meal that made me quite happy while I was eating it. Yummy!

I used my camera phone to take pictures, which I have posted here. I actually barely used my real (film) camera, and I don't think I have ANY pictures of me holding the baby, or of me with Jen.

I, of course, realized this when I was flying back. Some other time, I suppose. I do have more photos to post, but they aren't posting up here, so I may have to make another post with photos.
There was noother drama that occured in my life during the same time period... but I'm not sure if i'll even post about that at all. I do thank Berin for the verbal kick-in-the-ass about investing and smart finances. Jen and Berin were great hosts (as always) and Ryan is a real joy.

Snow in Memphis - The photo essay

2006-03-26T12:43:00.000-06:00

my car, parked at the office, from the front
my car, parked at the office, from the back:
through my windshield, the highway and the bad drivers:
the right shoulder of the highway, from my windshield:
the right shoulder, with the I-40 sign:
these were all taken with my camera phone... I just recently figured out how to get the pictures out of the phone and onto my computer and the Internets.

more posts to come soon... the complaints have been registered and heard. :)

Snowing in Memphis

2006-02-10T16:09:00.000-06:00

It's snowing in Memphis. It has been for about 2 hours.
The snow started before 2pm, but it wasn't sticking at first. I couldn't leave work today until after I finished some production work, and I was rushing that the best I could. B called me at about 2:20 to let me know it was sticking in Midtown, and that the roads and traffic were starting to get bad. I debated traveling home on the interstate (not a highway, a low-way) or on the main cross-town street, Poplar. After consulting with co-workers, I decided on I-240, as the risk of stop-and-go braking accidents would be less on the expressway.
I left my office a few minutes before 3. There was approx 2 or 3 inches of snow on my car - roof, front windshield, rear windshield. Scraped it & defrosted before I set off. It took me 40 minutes to travel 15 miles, going 30-40 mph, and watching idiots speed by me. There is snow on the ground, snow on roofs, and still hunks of snow on my car.
My cel phone (the only phone I have) is working intermittently. I am posting this to let y'all know I am okay, the Internets and the cable are working, and I am in for the night. The bookstore did NOT need me to come in, thank the stars.
Apparently, this time the weather guys were right.
oh, and Memphis cannot drive in bad weather. For Pete's sake, people, slow the F down. You may drive a truck, but that just means I'll be more damaged when you skid out and crash into my little Toyota.
I'm eating some Post Raisin Bran, and will more than likely make a little hot cocoa later, maybe some soup. It's cold, it's snowy, and I'm in on another Friday night.
Oh, and I had wanted to bake, but I have only 2 eggs, and no Crisco. So, that's out for tonight. ACH, well.

Grandpa Bill going to hospital

2006-02-07T22:27:00.000-06:00

I just received this email... I'm really conflicted right now.

I have a complicated and unresolved relationship with my mom's side of the family, specifically my grandfather. If you know the story, you know why - but I'm not getting into that here. It's not worth it.

Healthwise, my grandfather is a type-1 diabetic, with a third kidney transplanted from my aunt (his 5th child) 20-something years ago. He's been in and out of the hospital for years, and his health is often failing. He's had infections in his feet and legs for years. Like most lifelong diabetics, he can't feel below his mid-leg. His wife (not my grandmother, his 2nd wife) is also a diabetic whose health is failing. And my great-uncle Bob, his younger brother, died of complications from his diabetes several years back.

My siblings and I have know for years that his health was failing. At the bad times, we've said that at least we hope we'd get some money when he died. At the worst moment, my mom was talking of asking him to take us out of the will.

Yet, still, he should be prayed for. He is, for all his many faults and transgressions, my mother's father, the reason my mom is here (and therefore, the reason I'm here).

Pray, simply, for the best situation, whatever that may be. And pray for my family. Whatever happens here, his ill health may again raise issues.

And, geesh, my brain is addled with this.

P.S. if you want to know more about his health, the history of his diabetes, >my mom has written about it here.

-----Message-----
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 18:50:24 -0800 (GMT-08:00)
From: alicia (mom)
To: me & my siblings
Subject: Fw:grandpa Bill going to hospital

-----Forwarded Message-----
From: Uncle Bill
Sent: Feb 7, 2006 5:26 PM
To: my mom & her siblings
Subject: Dad going to hospital

Hi All:
I just got a call from David telling me that right now Dad is checking into UCLA Medical Center (310-xxx-xxxx) to have some sort of surgery. I think he said an angioplasty is needed to open the veins in his leg so that the wound(s) on his feet can get better blood flow in order to heal. Apparently, the wounds have not healed for many weeks (months?).
Pray for his recovery and the surgeon's skill & good judgment.
Love, Bill

Meme of Fours

2006-01-29T22:33:00.000-06:00

I've been focused on living and working, and haven't been as faithful at updating this blog as I was previously... which, as Juan pointed out, meant that I was living and not dwelling...

Mom tagged me with this "meme", so I figured, why not?
I had to cull down some of these choices. I've had over 20 jobs, honestly, so picking four was difficult. And picking movies and tv shows is rough, too...

Four Jobs
1. Hickory Farms (retail)
2. Harry & David (phone customer service)
3. Starbucks Barista
4. Radio Producer

Four Movies I Would Watch Over and Over:
1. Better Off Dead
2. Footloose
3. Can't Buy Me Love
4. Ghostbusters

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. San Diego, CA
3. Eugene, Oregon
4. Memphis, TN

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. My Name is Earl
2. Mile High (BBC America)
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. McLeod's Daughters (Australian Soap, airs on WE)

Websites I visit daily:
1. my yahoo
2. yahoo games (text twist)
3. radio prep services Incl. Fark)
4. my friends' blogs

Fave Four Foods
1. Ice Cream (white mint chocolate chip is tops)
2. Dark Chocolate
3. Grilled Cheese / Quesadilla
4. Steak

Four Places I Would Rather Be:
1. England / Scotland / Ireland (I've never been, would love to go)
2. Canada (ditto)
3. France
4. Portland, Oregon

Four People I Am Tagging:
1. Jen
2. Nicole
3. Victoria
4. Tonya

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

2006-01-25T23:15:00.000-06:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

What Age Do You Act?

2006-01-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

You Are 23 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Lack of Education on Necessary Topics

2006-01-25T15:50:00.000-06:00

Today, I was reminded why I am so glad I was raised the way I was, weirdness and all.
A girl I work with, 24 years old, told me her mom was going to have a hysterectomy and wanted her to come home. She can't, but asked me about hysterectomies. I asked her whether it was a partial (uterus only) or full (uterus & ovaries). I warned her about the change in hormones, etc. This discussion somehow led to questions on pregnancy, prenatal testing, childbirth, and anesthesia during delivery.
I
was stunned by how little she actually knew. Apparently, the confluence of military / public schooling and conservative parents meant her only images of the whole process were from TLC and some movies. And, if she's watching these "Baby Story" people, with their elective c-sections and drugs for manicures, how will she get a realistic picture?

The girl insisted that she is scared of needles and of pain, and would like an elective cesarean with general anesthesia. (what she actually said was, they should knock me out and take the baby out the stomach). She said she'd want pain drugs, but didn't want that needle in her back (her understanding of an epidural). She didn't understand the placement of the uterus, the cervix - location and how it functions, the amniotic sac, or the basics of delivery. I drew a picture, very basic, of a baby in the bag of waters, inside of a uterus. She asked how me the baby ate, and I drew a placenta and an umbilical cord. She also asked about genetic testing, and I explained about amnio testing, but that it involved a needle going way in to get fluid from around the baby, and was generally only undertaken in women over certain ages or with known risk factors.

I know my upbringing, with childbirth lessons and babies born at home, was unorthodox. But I never understood the implications of not having my upbringing. How many other young women, sexually active, don't understand the basics of conception, gestation, and delivery?

I told her that my mom had most all of her children without drugs, and with minimal intervention. She was shocked. I asked her how she thought people had babies before the last two centuries, when men and medicine got all mixed in and made pregnancy and childbirth a pathology?

It was an eye-opening experience, really. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm just glad I was around to educate her, just a little. And I thank my upbringing for that.

my weird habits

2006-01-23T15:15:00.000-06:00

this came to me from my friend, Frank Murphy.

Here's his description of the task:
I guess this is the blog version of a chain letter.
Somebody tagged me and now I'm tagging you.
When you get time post your weird habits on your blog.

The meme challenges you to list five of your weird habits. Frank listed ten.

I guess he knows I'm weird. Actually, I saw part of the MTV "True Life" special on OCD, and found some similarities between those clinical people and quirky things I do...

Herewith, a list (in no particular order) of some of my quirks:

1) When I get a cup of coffee from Starbucks, the logo on the sleeve has to line up with the hole in the lid. Sometimes, I even line up the sleeve with the cup (custom boxes aligned) and then fix the lid.
2) I have to eat snack foods in a certain manner / order. For instance, Gummi Bears have to be eaten feet first, then arms, then head. And I always have to have one of each color left in the bottom of the bag.
3) I often interject myself into strangers' conversations with a tidbit of information on the topic they were discussing. (I share this habit with Frank; I used a habit he listed.)
4) I find myself straightening out place settings for other people - putting the cutlery, napkins and such in the order I was raised to think is proper.
5) There is a correct order of food on my plate, especially at traditional meals such as Thanksgiving. The proper flavor mixing must occur.
6) At this point in time, I have over 40 bars of soap, unopened, in a drawer. I like natural, handmade soaps, and are given them as gifts. I also buy them at fairs. I have natural, non-handmade scented soaps I have been given. And, my friend who works at a dermatologists office gets me sample sizes of Dove for Sensitive Skin.
7) I tear the sniffy pages out of magazines as I'm reading them. Then they get stacked up in a pile in my bedroom. I use some for fragrance (under the couch and in closets and in luggage that is being stored). Even still, I have approximately two years worth in a stack (over 100 pages).
8) I keep treats (candy, cookies, etc) far too long. I just threw out a pack of Peeps Christmas Trees I bought my first Christmas here, in 2002. I have an Easter Chocolate bunny that is 2 or 3 years old.

This was terrifyingly easy to complete. I have capped out the list at eight to keep from searching for further quirks. You are supposed to "tag" other people with these - I'll pick Jen, Nicole, Victoria, Tonya, and Mom.

YOU MIGHT BE A DJ IF....

2006-01-18T15:46:00.000-06:00

okay, I promise I will write an original post soon (i'm working on one about Christmas, I swear!), but this was forwarded to me by another radio friend/former co-worker (forwarded to her by another former co-worker), and it's just too funny not to share.

YOU MIGHT BE A DJ IF....

80% OF YOUR WARDROBE HAS A STATION LOGO ON IT

YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT Q-TIPS IN OVER 3 YEARS

YOU STILL REFER TO CDs AS "RECORDS"

YOU LOOK AT YOUR PAYCHECK AND SAY, "THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING A REAL JOB!"

AN EXTRA HOUR-AND-A-HALF OF SLEEP IS CONSIDERED A DAY OFF

THE ONLY INTERACTION BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE AT DINNERTIME IS, "THANK YOU...PLEASE PULL TO THE SECOND WINDOW!"

YOU CALL A WEEKEND OFF A "VACATION"

YOU CAN SMOKE A CIGARETTE IN THREE MINUTES OR LESS

YOU ANSWER YOUR HOME PHONE WITH THE STATION CALL LETTERS

A SALES PERSON HAS EVER TAKEN CREDIT FOR YOUR PAYCHECK

YOU KNOW WHAT A "BULLET" IS

YOU'VE EVER SLICED YOUR FINGER WITH A RAZOR BLADE, AND CLEANED THE CUT WITH ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL AND AN EXTRA LONG COTTON SWAB. (ONLY APPLIES TO THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER REELS AND CARTS)

YOU MEASURE YOUR AMOUNT OF PRODUCTION IN "SHITLOADS"

THINKING OF SPLICING TAPE AND AN EXACTO KNIFE GIVES YOU A RUSH

YOU CAN POST THE SONG...RUN DOWN THE HALL...DO A FULL-BLOWN #2...AND BE BACK IN 2:40 TO DO A SEGUE

DINNER? LETS SEE WHAT THE RECEPTIONIST LEFT IN THE FRIDGE.

YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF A RECORD RUNNING OUT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND THE CONTROL ROOM DOOR.

YOU'VE EVER MUTTERED THE WORDS, "YEAH, I'LL TRY TO GET THAT ON FOR YA."

YOU HAVE MORE STEREO AND COMPUTER EQUIPMENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW....COMBINED.

PEOPLE WHO RIDE IN YOUR CAR EXCLAIM, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU LISTEN TO THE RADIO THAT LOUD?"

YOU CONSIDER WEARING A SHIRT YOU HAVE TO IRON "DRESSING UP"

WHEN LISTENING TO MUSIC AT HOME YOU ONLY LISTEN TO THE FIRST 30 SECONDS OF THE SONG...THEN SWITCH TO SOMETHING ELSE.

KCRW/LA's Douridas Arrested

2006-01-16T20:07:00.000-06:00

my Dad used to work with this guy. He (was/is) a respected musical tastemaker.

This is truly weird.

from AllAccess.com
KCRW/LA's Douridas Arrested
Chris Douridas
Influential Noncommercial KCRW/SANTA MONICA personality CHRIS DOURIDAS was arrested JANUARY 6 on suspicion of drugging and kidnapping a 14 year old girl. The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that police are waiting for toxicology reports before deciding whether to press charges against DOURIDAS, who currently hosts a weekend show, "NEW GROUND," on the station and is well-known for his work on movie soundtracks and on iTUNES. DOURIDAS, accused of putting a substance in the girl's drink and carrying her out of SANTA MONICA's CIRCLE BAR, posted $1 million bail and will continue on the air at KCRW, whose Assistant GM JENNIFER FERRO told the TIMES "We believe in CHRIS as a person, and we think he has strong character. And we also think people are innocent until proven guilty."

Northern and Southern Differences

2006-01-10T18:07:00.000-06:00

forwarded to me by one of my best friends (from / since High School), who is also from the West Coast (and who moved east/South before I did).

Trust me, these are truer than y'all who haven't moved South would think. (and this is nicer, because I've been called a Yankee and a Damn Yankee a few times in my nearly 4 years in the South.)

but if I ever say "doo whut?" instead of "pardon?", "excuse me", "I'm sorry" or "could you repeat that?", please kill me...

Northern and Southern Differences

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,! The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. DO NOT buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

eharmony Compatibility Profile Summary

2006-01-09T15:12:00.000-06:00

from my eharmony quiz... enjoy! this is based on the quiz questions from the Personality Profile. (I haven't paid for the service; I'm just surfing the freebies.) Do you think these match with what I should be looking for / whom I've previously dated???

Jess's Compatibility Profile Summary

No person can be fully described or defined by a few short sentences. However, here are several of the most important characteristics revealed by your eHarmony Compatibility Profile that you should keep in mind as you search for your ideal mate:

Some of your ideal mates strongest personality characteristics are:

He tends to be caring compassionate and sensitive towards the needs of others.
His friends consider him someone who can be trusted and relied upon.
He generally does his best to be honest in all situations, even when it can be difficult.
He has a very good sense of right and wrong, and almost always tries to be the best person he can.

Some important qualities that your ideal partner brings to the relationship are:

He is always a generous and supportive friend.
He almost always manages to be open-minded and flexible.
Like you, he has lighthearted moments that help him see and share the positive side of life.
Even when things get bad, he can usually appreciate the good things life has to offer.

Important goals and values for your ideal mate in a relationship are:

Family ties are important to him.
He likes spending time with family and relatives.
Starting a new family is not one of his major goals.
He occasionally enjoys spending time with children.

Social Orientation describes how much of your behavior is motivated by the desire to get along with and be liked by other people, as well as how much is driven by the desire to be seen as an effective problem solver and self sufficient. People with a strong External Orientation place a high value on communicating their thoughts and feelings with other people. People with a strong Internal Orientation place a high value on individual effectiveness, competence and autonomy The dimensions that we assess as part of your Social Orientation are Conflict Management, Character, Vitality and Security, Communication Style, Kindness and Autonomy.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Communication: Your ideal companion is a man who is good at both expressing his thoughts and feelings and listening others. He's generally patient and accepting of what people say. Friends and family may describe him as the kind of person who sometimes needs a reminder to avoid talking over someone in a conversation or to realize that not everyone in the room necessarily agrees with what he is saying. However, his heart is always in the right place.

Kindness: Your ideal mate is the kind of person who wants to support you through life's ups and downs. He will be willing to be there for you emotionally, but he may not always know the best way how. You don't need the perfect man, but you will do best with someone who tries to be sensitive to your feelings, even if he isn't always perfectly attuned to your needs. You and your ideal mate will be mutually supportive, but won't demand more from each other than you are willing to give.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Character: Your ideal mate is a man who genuinely tries to care for others. His friends see him as someone who knows he's not perfect, but who makes a sincere effort for the important people in his life. He can show great kindness for others on occasion, but is by no means a saint. He will appreciate your compassionate side, but will also understand and empathize with your feeling that there are times when your personal needs and in life may overshadow concern for other people.

Autonomy: You will be best matched with someone who is interested to know all the important things about your past, but is equally if not more interested in experiencing the present and building a future together. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship, but you may have problems with someone who feels a burning need to know every last detail about your past or every thought that crosses your mind. When in a relationship: Your ideal partner sees himself as part of a couple, but still maintains his independence and identity.

Vitality and Security: You need a man who is honest and reliable. He has a good understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work over the long haul. He wants to build a relationship that will last, but doesn't need you for constant support. He shares your desire for stability and longevity. Friends describe him as the kind of person who wants to make his partner feel cared for and safe.

Conflict Resolution: You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who understands that not all conflicts can be resolved easily, and that sometimes it's important to stand up for what you believe. He's the kind of person who thinks resolving conflict is important, but making peace isn't worth sacrificing his beliefs. If he thinks he's right, he will probably argue his position, even if it means a disagreement is going to get more heated before it gets resolved.

The Extraversion scale assesses how you feel when you are around people. Extroverts are generally comfortable at the center of attention. They rarely feel a need for "alone time" and are almost always eager to meet new people. Introverts, on the other hand, avoid the spotlight when they can, approach many social gatherings with hesitation and relish time spent with good friends whom they know well. While most people exhibit a mix of Introvert and Extrovert qualities based on what kind of social situation they are in, people who are strongly Extroverted often place the largest value on having many friends and making new friends easily. In contrast, people who are strongly Introverted generally place the highest value on having a few very deep and meaningful friendships. The dimensions of your profile which are associated with Extraversion are Emotional Energy, Sociability, Adaptability, Humor, Romantic Passion and Dominance.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Romantic Passion: Your ideal mate definitely enjoys engaging in the occasional romantic gesture, such as a night of soft music, candles and good conversation. He needs to have a strong romantic spark with his partner, but he doesn't think that romance is the only important part of the relationship. He has a sensual side and looks forward to physical and emotional closeness with his partner, but it might take him some time in a relationship before he opens up fully.

Humor: Your ideal mate has the ability to see the lighter side in most situations. He is generally able to find something funny in everyday sights, like uptight waiters or rebellious teenagers. He likes to be entertained with humor, such as pithy observations about passersby, jokes or even unintended puns. He's the kind of person who enjoys being around funny people, either because they ignite his own ability to make people laugh, or just because they keep him smiling about life. His friends see him as someone who has a good sense of humor but who also has a serious side when dealing with important issues.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Adaptability: Your ideal mate likes to sometimes find new ways to deal with old challenges. He can think up creative solutions to a problem but doesn't discount the tried-and-true answers. His friends describe him as someone who generally has a fresh take on any given situation but who isn't driven to recreate the wheel every time he's faced with a task or challenge. You are likely to find it frustrating to deal with someone who can never seem to do something the same way twice, but you also chafe at people who can't accept new approaches to problems when the old solutions have stopped working.

Emotional Energy: You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who's generally outgoing and vivacious but who appreciates a regular dose of quiet and relaxation to keep him at his best. His friends might describe him as someone who'd rather do something right away rather than put it off for later, whether it's a chore at home or a complex task at the office. At the same time, he likes to carve out time for himself and his own interests. He appreciates having stability, but if he feels life is getting too routine he isn't afraid to venture out and rectify the situation. If he falls into too much of a routine, he's likely to worry that life is passing him by and take steps to rectify the situation.

Dominance: You are best suited to someone who doesn't take competition to extremes. He likes to win but doesn't need to do so at all costs. He is competitive and aggressive when the situation warrants it - such as when vying for a promotion at work or playing football with friends - but generally accepts a loss with grace. He shares your belief that not everything's a contest, even though it's sometimes fun to pit yourself against others or push yourself to perform.

Sociability: You'll be happiest with a man who likes to spend time with old friends and make new ones. Like you, he might not always be the first to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but he is rarely tongue-tied once a conversation is underway. On some days, he might start a conversation with a complete stranger because he feels chatty. Other days, he would rather be alone or just talk to people he knows well already. At parties, he's the type of person who isn't afraid to venture outside his immediate group of friends and meet new people.

Openness refers to a person's willingness to experience new and creative ideas. People who score low on Openness tend to place a high value on tradition and belonging to a group. People who score high on Openness tend to place a high value on imagination and individualism. Extreme scores on Openness also often distinguish between people who enjoy thinking in symbols and abstractions to people who prefer ideas which are clear and concrete. The dimensions of your profile that we consider as part of Openness are Artistic Passion, Curiosity and Intellect.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Curiosity: You will be best matched with a man who is eager to find out more about things that interest him. He likes to learn about the world by trying new things, like exotic foods, a far-flung vacation destination or conversations with people from other cultures. Friends describe him as someone who is well-rounded and well-versed in subjects that intrigue him, but he doesn't feel the need to know everything. He'll appreciate your desire to balance "old favorites" with new adventures.

Artistic Passion: You are best suited to the kind of man who enjoys expressing himself creatively on occasion. He has an artistic side, but he probably doesn't think of himself as a die-hard artiste. He has his creative moments, and may like to express his outlook on life and the world around him through things like poetry, painting or music. His friends and family probably see him as creative, but not necessarily an artist.

Intellect: Your ideal mate is knowledgeable and well-read. He appreciates that you are interested in different things but that you aren't driven to be an expert on everything. He values education but isn't consumed by it. He's not the type to do research that would rival a Ph.D. dissertation to decide what to do when a life decision needs to be made, but he probably wouldn't resort to throwing a dart into the Yellow Pages either. His friends and family know him as someone who enjoys knowing a lot about certain subjects, without being someone who always needs to be the "smartest" guy in the room.

Physicality separates people who enjoy being physically energetic and active from those who are uncomfortable or dislike engaging in sports or strenuous activity. Some people push life to the limit, scaling mountains or competing in triathlons. People with a less demanding sense of Physicality enjoy looking at mountains more than climbing them. The dimensions of your profile which comprise the most important aspects of your Physicality are Appearance, Physical Energy and Sexual Passion.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Sexual Passion: Your ideal companion wants to feel a surge of physical excitement associated with falling in love. When he's with his partner he expects a physical connection that goes beyond compatible personalities and interests. Physical intimacy isn't his only, or even his primary interest or need, but you feel a strong physical pull towards being close to him, and he will definitely feel a strong chemical attraction towards you.

Appearance: You are most compatible with a man who wants to look good but doesn't obsess over it. He will appreciate the time and effort you put into your appearance and be happy with the end result, but ultimately he is more concerned with who you are than what you look like. Friends and family know him as someone who is handsome but who doesn't spend hours in front of the mirror.

Physical Energy: You are best suited to someone who likes to stay active, but also enjoys spending quiet time at home. You are most compatible with someone who makes staying healthy and exercising a normal part of their life, but also enjoys kicking back and relaxing when the time is right. Friends probably describe him as someone who enjoys getting his heart rate up but who's also content to spend a Sunday afternoon on the couch watching football or a favorite movie on TV.

Goal Orientation refers to the drive to plan for the future versus the urge to live in the moment. People who score low on Goal Orientation are generally spontaneous and free spirited. They are likely to act on their first impulse and worry about the consequences afterwards and place a high value on being clever and lucky. People who score high on Goal Orientation, on the other hand, are more driven to think about future consequences before acting, place a high value on being wise and cautious and like to always put their best foot forward. The dimensions of your profile that relate to your Goal Orientation are Industry, Ambition, Organization and Education.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Education: Your ideal mate is accomplished academically, but he doesn't overemphasize it. During his school years, he was the type of person who balanced studying with things like extracurricular activities, working or spending time with friends. He wants to have an intellectual connection with his partner, but he's also able to appreciate other things about her, like kindness, character or sense of humor.

Industry: You are best suited to a man who is hard-working yet still takes time out to relax. He is goal-oriented and enjoys accomplishing things, but he doesn't let it consume him. He likes to stay busy, but he isn't averse to a little fun once the work is done. Others see him as the kind of person who values free time too much to spend it all working, although he is capable of buckling down and being enormously productive when work or life demands require it.
Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Ambition: Your ideal mate is the kind of person who strives to be the best at what he does. He pays attention to his progress and compares himself to others, sometimes judging according to the size of his house or the salary he earns. He understands your desire to be recognized for your accomplishments. Like you, however, he won't turn his quest for success into something that will dominate his life. Things like family, friends and time to himself are important to him.

Organization: You will be best matched with a person who shares your ability to organize and plan for the future when necessary, but who can also appreciate the times when "less is more" in terms of planning and organization. He has a good ability to plan for the future, but he also has a spontaneous side which allows him to enjoy the occasional splurging on a fancy dinner or weekend getaway.

While day-to-day events play a major role in our feelings, there are deep seated patterns of emotion that underlie our personality and stretch across the span of our lives. These patterns are considered your Emotional Temperament. People who score high on Emotional Temperament are generally upbeat about life, are slow to get upset in the face of minor setbacks or disappointments. People who score low on Emotional Temperament are more likely to experience feelings such as anxiety, anger and depression on a regular basis. The dimensions of your profile that comprise your Emotional Temperament are Mood Management, Self Concept, Emotional Status, Anger Management and Obstreperousness.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Self Concept: Your ideal match is someone who is self-assured and agreeable. He believes in himself, so he is willing to take the occasional risk. He won't look to his friends for constant affirmation but might suffer misgivings when faced with stress, such as financial pressures, layoffs at work or a family argument. He wants to fit in but doesn't feel the need to change in order to do so. His friends most likely describe him as someone who's his own person, not reliant on outside approval.

Mood Management: You will be most compatible in the long run with someone whose moods are generally stable. Like most people, he may feel down on occasions, but he's not likely to sink into hopelessness or take his mood out on others. You don't need a Pollyanna, but generally speaking: Your ideal man is calm, kind and optimistic about life.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Emotional Status: You are best suited to a man who is generally happy and hopeful about what life has to offer. There may be parts of his life he'd like to improve, but he generally has faith that he'll attain his goals. When faced with conflict at work or at home he rarely overreacts or feels out of control. Friends see him as someone who tries to focus on the positive in good times and bad.

Obstreperousness: Your ideal mate is someone who isn't afraid to voice his opinion and appreciates the fact that you do the same. He won't be surprised if you disagree with him or argue your position. His friends would probably describe him as the type of person who's more concerned with being right than just having everyone like him. Like you, he may get irritated easily when others disagree with his perspective. However, the two of you will be able to appreciate each others commitment to being honest rather than "politically correct," and shared emphasis on substance over style.

Anger Management: Your ideal mate is someone who can appreciate your assertive personality. He doesn't mind a few "rough edges," and can handle your occasional outbursts. Friends may find your relationship turbulent, but your disagreements should blow over quickly as long as you both maintain a level of mutual respect.

Many significant ingredients, like upbringing, family goals and spirituality combine to form a person's values and beliefs. Whatever form they take, your values are one of the most powerful determinants of your behavior. Values are also play a large role in both who we feel comfortable being around, and who we find attractive. Dissimilarity in values generally causes discomfort or awkwardness in social situations. Although close friends, family and loved ones can often have one or two stark contrasts in their values, this is made possible by a greater number of shared values, backgrounds and experiences that provide a framework of comfort and similarity. When building an intimate relationship, establishing shared values early on is key to long term success. The dimensions that we consider as part of you Personal Values are Traditionalism, Spirituality, Family Goals and Altruism.

Based on your profile, you are most compatible with men who fit the following descriptions:

Family Goals: Your ideal mate is someone who is looking for a woman who shares similar ideas about parenting. He likes kids and probably has clear ideas about raising them. He feels that a couple will be much better parents if they are like-minded in their approach to things like discipline and communication with children. They will also experience more harmony and unity as parents - something he values.

Family Background: Your ideal mate has a good relationship with his family, but it's not perfect. They enjoy talking or spending time together but do have occasional conflict, and there could be certain disagreements that have never been resolved. Generally speaking, his expectations about having a family of his own aren't overly idealistic. He's understands that family dynamics can work even when they're not perfect.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Spirituality: Your ideal mate is someone who is probably either involved in a religious community or who enjoys a more individualistic spiritual life. He's the kind of person who respects religious institutions and finds himself drawn on occasion to faith communities. He might attend services, but may not be an active member of a congregation.

Traditionalism: You'll be happiest with a man who considers himself a good person: He has strong values and his moral beliefs are an important part of who he is. He might think people don't need to be sticklers when it comes to their personal beliefs, but he probably believes that values related to religion, country and family provide important general guidelines for life.

Altruism: Your ideal mate is the kind of person who cares about helping strangers but who might not spend a lot of his time doing so. He is someone who generally takes care of his friends when they're in need and who might feel a pang of guilt when he doesn't reach out to assist strangers. Others see him as someone who, with a little encouragement, will join efforts to help, whether it's a canned food drive or a charity fundraiser.

© 2000-2005 EHARMONY.COM, INC.

www.drawahouse.com

2005-12-12T11:03:00.000-06:00

Check this out:
Draw a House,
See My House

Countercultural, my ass

2005-12-09T16:16:00.000-06:00

Why do some people seem to think there is a romance to being wasted? Drunk, stoned, on pills, coked out, whatever - there seems to be a sub-culture (mostly male, but with some women thrown in, probably out of sex) that (who?) worship at the altar of Hunter, Bukowski, John Kennedy Toole, etc, and think being f-ed up is poetic. When, really, it's crappy.

The saga of my long-ago ex, S, continues. I think he's mostly suicidal, but somewhere in his logical brain he knows it's stupid to kill ones-self, at least all at once. I think in his poetic brain, the one that writes stories and poems and lyrics, he believes life could be better than it is, and that's the other thing.

I don't know. I understand a minor self-destructive streak, we all have one. And I understand some low-self-esteem - I think anyone who says their "life is perfect, I have no problems" (N will understand where that quote came from) hasn't really explored themselves very well, or is in denial, or some combination of the two.

I have to go and finish getting ready. D&Z are broadcasting from a bar again tonight, and I need to be there in 10 minutes. Thank god it's less than a mile from my house. :)

scattered brain, tired, need to write

2005-12-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

1) My friend and career mentor Frank thinks I should post more entries like the one where I went off about the best burgers (In N Out), 'cause it is fun, and I had some good links.

2) My ex S is an alcoholic and drug addict. I knew he had problems when we went out, but he kept the drug part in check when we were dating, up until the end of the long-distance relationship. (Though "accidentally dosed" with 'shrooms is still a joke with my local friends). His use and abuse escalated to the point of actually going into rehab this past summer. Apparently, he developed a wicked coke habit. (As someone who has never even smoked a cigarette, let alone anything stronger, this is shocking to me. But then, drug use is puzzling to me). My brother JD is still friends with him, and I will occasionally find things S has posted on my brother's LJ friend page. Today, I discovered that, because of the self-destructive streak and who knows what else, he engaged in REALLY unsafe activities, possibly before we together. It literally makes me sad and sick.

3) I think back on things with B, and I remember the high points and the low points. I remember the feeling of elation and joy and the highs, the camaraderie and the affection and the comfort and the closeness. And, then, I remember the bad points - the feeling of overwhelming sadness and isolation and wondering how we got there.

4) I've got VH1 on in the background, and they are doing a videos of 2005 countdown. They are on Will Smith's "Switch", which reminds me of 2 things.
a) when the song / video first came out, N and I were talking about the song, and she said, Will Smith done lost his mind.
b) the song was HUGE in late-May/early-June, when B and I took the great PA adventure, and we heard it ALL OVER the radio.

5) Juan's emails are helping me explore my self-denial issues. The thing I didn't talk about in that post is the whole guilt over spending money I don't really have for things that aren't "necessities".

6) I have Christmas gifts to wrap and ship, and others to mail, and I haven't gotten any of that done. Which I need to have done before my birthday next Thursday.

7) I'm a birthday person (those who read this and didn't know that probably don't know me very well). My birthday, my 31st (or, really, the 1st anniversary of my 30th birthday) is next week. I have NO PLANS for my birthday. I will probably be at home watching Joey. The radio show goes on break that day, so it's my last day of hard work for 2 weeks. My Memphis core friends are either out of town (K&W) or going to their office party (K&D, B). I don't want to be pathetic about it, but I'm kinda bummed.

8) I really want to stop being a narcissist. I want to focus on other things, other people.

9) I'm really looking forward to the holidays and the visit to my folks' house. And yet I'm not. It's only going to be Mom, Dad, my baby sister BB, and me. No other sibs. And I don't know people in the town they live in. But it will be nice to get out of my environs here.

I don't know how much sense I make these days. But I think it's best to get the stories and ideas and emotions out. Maybe they will "process" easier this way.

Deprivation and asceticism

2005-12-06T23:09:00.000-06:00

I'm realizing that I have this problem in myself, related, I think to a poorer-than-some-of-my-friends upbringing. I've been aware of this previously (see my history with boxed chocolates and holiday candy). But it really hit me today.

After MUCH debating, and phone calls to 2 friends (and consulting with co-workers), I bought a pair of mid-calf black boots for winter. From Nine West. On sale, $55 (1/2 price, they were originally $110). Keep in mind, I normally buy my winter boots from Payless or Target. They've served me fine for years now, and a pair generally lasts 2 years, for $20-25. But I checked at Payless, I checked at Target, and their boots this season weren't right (the heels weren't right, or the boot height on my leg was too short). I went to the discount shoe stores - DSW, Rack Room Shoes - and found nothing. So, after much hand-wringing, consulting, and bargaining with myself (if I bag up and drop off my charity clothes, if I do my filing and home accounting, then I can buy the boots), I bought the boots Monday after work. The girl in the store said I bought the last pair of that style in size 7 black, so it was obviously meant to be. (As a bargain shopper and budget person, I'm a big believer in shopping karma - if you love it, come back, and if it's still there, you were meant to buy it.) I was so wracked with guilt that I called N and had her convince me I made the right decision ($60 / 12 months = $5 month, and I plan on keeping them for at least two years). So, what have I done? They are still sitting in the box. I took them out and looked at them today. And then I put them back, and put on the old, beat up, worn down heel Payless Boots from 2 years ago. My new boots are so nice, I'm afraid to wear them.

And that's a regular thing for me - if something is nice, I'm afraid to wear / eat / open / throw away things. I can make Christmas chocolates last a year. I still have a chocolate bunny my mom sent me from this past Easter, and one from the Easter prior. When B gave me chocolates at Valentines, he made me promise to eat them, and not let them sit in my fridge forever. And, yet, I ended up throwing the box away during the summer with candies still in it.

Back in September, I had KW go shopping with me to get a tank top I really thought was nice, and pretty, and expensive. From Ann Taylor Loft, $40, which is a lot for me. And I've yet to wear it. Partially because of the weather, partially because I haven't had an occasion, but mostly because I won't allow myself to wear something that nice.

I also ordered a winter coat (actually a coat, long) from Target.com. A green and cream tapestry coat that I saw in one store locally, and couldn't find again. I debated that one for nearly a month, and monitored the coat online, watching it go on sale, off sale, then on sale again. I ordered it this weekend (also part of the bargaining), and it arrived today. It's going to be 25 degrees when I go to work tomorrow, and I'm going to go to bed convincing myself to wear the coat and the boots.

I wish I could treat myself more often. I have this guilt and this feeling of not deserving it. You know, the global feeling of there are more important things in this world than that. But it's wasted money if the pretty things just hang out in the closet, unworn. Or the chocolates or whatever go uneaten.

It's not like I'm wearing a hairshirt, consciously practicing asceticism. But I do deny myself pleasures, and I'm trying to figure out why that is. It really isn't right to splurge, and then not do anything with the splurges. I buy the cute clothes and shoes to wear them, and then decide I'm not good enough to wear them out. The food denial, that's a mix of "dieting" and the feeling I don't deserve the good things.

The mixed feelings about good things is why I'm difficult to eat meals out with. I figure if I'm out, I might as well go all out - appetizers, drinks, desserts. And then I feel bad for a while for blowing all that money on something as basic as food.

heck, I won't figure it out tonight. And I'm tired, and need to crawl into the bed, which is now covered with 3 blankets / comforters. It's getting cold here, and they are predicting a 60% chance of snow on Thursday.

Had another group dinner with B last night. As Kiren put it, B and I gravitate towards each other. And ended up talking again. hesh, I don't know. But we're able to get along in public, so that's a good thing, I think.

big small town

2005-12-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

So, tonight was the Starbucks Annual Holiday Cheer Party, and being the addict I am, I headed over (post-nap) for the free beverages, and to meet people and chat and all that.
And, of course, I walk in the door and see someone I know from another context. Joel, a radiosalesman from the office. Apparently, his wife works at the local Starbucks. She, of course, recognized me as being a regular. Strangely, she's one of the ones I always prefer not to get - she has a brittle smile, and wears the wrong makeup for her age. But, hey. I work with her husband.
I got to chatting with him and her, and ended up chatting with this very nice girl my age whose fiancee manages the local *$s. We exchanged numbers, and I invited them to come out to the D&Z live radio event tomorrow.
Oh, and I got a call today from a boy. For reals. But I haven't called him back yet.
I didn't meet any boys at the Starbucks event. But I did possibly make a friend, so that's something.
Oh, and when I went to Wild Oats for my smoothie today, and the nice fella in the juice bar recognized me, and gave me a smile. Makes a person feel good. And there was a 5 for $3 sale on my favorite brand of yogurt, Stonyfield Farms.
So, that was cool.

The other day, I bought cassettes for my microcassette recorder, so I am recording my thoughts in the car again. At some point, I'll transcribe some of them. :)

falling in love with the help of nerve growth factor

2005-11-30T17:33:00.000-06:00

this was all over the news in the past day. this write-up is from one of the prep services we use at the radio station.

'LOVE MOLECULE' ONLY LASTS A YEAR
Italian researchers have identified a molecule that triggers the powerful emotions felt by people who've fallen in love -- things like butterflies in the stomach, euphoria and a rapid heartbeat -- but it doesn't last any longer than a year. Researchers at Pavia University found far higher levels of the molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF) in the blood of 58 people who'd recently fallen in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships. However, after a year with the same person, quantities of the NGF "love molecule" had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups. The researchers said that it's not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF.

so, what do we do with the rest of it? how do we keep it going once the euphoric reaction has waned?

Perspective Epiphany, courtesy of Nicole

2005-11-29T15:03:00.000-06:00

Nicole, the genius, called me up just a little while ago with this to ponder. She said she had one of those days with people quibbling over the little shit to give her a big picture epiphany.

It's all about perspective.

Does B make me happy? Does the happiness I get being with him outweigh the sadness?

If the answer is yes, that he makes me happy, and I could deal with the sadness because of the happiness, then screw the rest.
If he doesn't, if I think that I could be happier with someone else, that I could live with my current sadness because I believe there is someone out there who could make me happier, than that's the answer.

I think I got that right. Nicole, if you read this, and I'm screwing it all up, let me know.

oh, and special thanks to Jen for the handy-dandy cut-and-paste monologue for the next time I'm talking to B.

other random thoughts:
this is the first time in nearly 5 years that I am making decisions for myself, by myself.

When I moved here, I was still with S, and was always thinking of him. You know, I figured he'd move out here to be with me, and I was always kind of planning with him in mind. I got a two-bedroom apartment (that I could barely afford), so we'd have space. I didn't get a lot of furniture, 'cause I thought he'd bring his with. And so on.

I was definitely always thinking of B when we together (and even during our "off" periods). That was actually one of our bones of contention. I would always think of the effects of anything (a possible new job, a move, a trip, etc) on "us", whereas, though my opinion mattered, the decisions he made were always with himself first in priority. We consulted each other (as friends and lovers do) about things, but I think I sometimes took his opinion more seriously than I took my own.

it's like, I'm just remembering how to think on my own, for myself, and to trust my own opinion.
something to ponder

living in my head

2005-11-28T22:44:00.000-06:00

I'm back to living in my head again. I'm in my brain a lot, and it is swimming, and everything that was starting to be clear and make sense again is all muddled and fuzzy and muzzy and weird.
I've talked to nearly all of my friends this past weekend, and so you know what the confusion is.
I know I need to post the whole thing, but it's still not even clear in my mind what happened.

Sigh. Seriously, I just "heaved a heavy sigh" (as they say in books).

Well, on the good news tip, I've finished my Christmas shop for sister BB (all off her list, and I used a $10 off certificate I had earned on my Gap card). I've gotten a bit for sister C, and have gotten a few things for the closest thing I have to a nephew, baby Ryan (who I will someday meet - until then, I'll be the randomly generous "auntie" in the south).

So, anyway, I still have to figure out the situation with B, the rest of my Christmas shop, mailing and shipping gifts, donating stuff to charity, two trips in December, and pretty much my whole damn life. Is it any wonder I haven't spoken to ANYONE since I got home from work and after work shopping at nearly 5? I think, at this exact moment, the more time sleeping (when I can actually sleep - last night, between the rain and my non-stop mind and the humidity, I slept about a half-hour) and quietude I have, the more time my mind has to process. I do need to write the Thanksgiving weekend experience to fully process and make sense of it, but I'm not there yet.

Well, enough for now. My pet peeve, the Royal Furniture Gallery (Memphis, southaven, Jackson) girl just came on the TV, and I want to run screaming from the room. good night.

Holiday Wish List - by popular request

2005-11-21T19:24:00.000-06:00

for my birthday on 15 December and Holiday

KITCHEN
* an 8-12-16 setting of flatware. Stainless steel. No plastic handles. (My current set was super-cheap from Wal-Mart 3 1/2 years ago, and has plastic handles and metal ends, which are now rusting, and is a 4 person set. I run out of spoons and forks before the dishwasher is even full. I use plastic-ware and wash it to extend my usability.)
* bundt pan
* Crock-Pot (with removable Crock; my current one does not remove, and it's a pain to prep and to wash)
* Food Processor (quick and easy one; want to make pie crusts and the like)
* Espresso maker (I can dream, right?)
* Juicer

FURNITURE
* Bookcase ('cause I've run out of space on my current two)
* dresser / chest of drawers
* Bedside Table

HOUSEHOLD
* bookshelf style stereo with CD player and radio (AM-FM) tuner.
* computer printer (compatible with
* Space Bags (for sheet and blanket storage)
* Pillows

BEAUTY
* Origins Skin Care - Call Kate at Origins, Oak Court (901-767-5151)
* L'occitane Shea Butter Handcare

OTHER
* gift certificates for Push Pilates (to cover my lessons)
* gift certificates for Netflix

CLOTHING
* Old Navy
* Gap
* Target (shoes / boots)

ITEMS I MISS FROM OTHER REGIONS - Stores
* Hot Dog on a Stick Lemonade (is it possible to quick ship one of those prepacked gallons?)
* See's Candies (specifically, the Scotchmallow Candy, which is found in the Nuts & Chews Assortment or the Soft Centers Assortment)
* In N Out Burger

ITEMS I MISS FROM OTHER REGIONS - Groceries
* SkippyÂ® Roasted Honey Nut Creamy
* Rosarita No Fat Green Chili and Lime
* Instant Quaker Oatmeal Raisins & Spice
* Kiss My Face Pear Liquid Moisture Soap (cheap at Trader Joe's, if you have one local)

ONLINE WISH LISTS:
* Amazon (books, movies, music, housewares)

Death of Innocence and other random stuff

2005-11-20T22:22:00.000-06:00

oh, my gosh, I think I just died a little. I sat down to write this, and I am CRINGING!
I just saw / heard the new Kraft Crumbles cheese ad, and it's a take-off on EMF's "unbelievable" - "they're 'crumb-believable'". As the guys I work with would say, I feces you negative. I feel like a little part of my adolescence just died.

so, what I sat down to write was that B came by the bookstore today. I was in the back of the store, doing some internet store business, when I heard someone ask the artists where I was. The artist (Donna B) told the person I was in the back, and then hollered at me. I hurried up to the front of the store, and there was B. Said he wanted to come by and see me and see that I was okay and would be okay with Thanksgiving. We actually talked for quite a while, probably 1 1/2 hours - 2 hours. About work, family, personal stuff, our breakup, our friends, etc. I saw the truck; it's nice. He told me his busybody old lady spinster neighbor has asked him regularly if he and I got back together. Also, that his parents don't like me right now, as I'm not talking to him.

It's too weird, really. He says he misses me. I pressed him, and asked if he REALLY missed ME, or just someone to shop and watch TV with. He said he hasn't been to the club except for once since we split, and that he doesn't want to go anymore, that he's trying to be a better person.

I told him that there was no way we could get back together, that he took care of that by something he said to me on my couch. "You didn't really think I was the one, did you?" haunts me, and reminds me that I can do better.

He apologized (again) for being an asshole, for the things he said and didn't say, for what happened between us.

It was weird, it was awkward, it was us just hanging and chatting for a moment, and then there was me crying. The usual b-jess moments.

Me trying to explain to him why the space and time was so important, why I needed to not him around, to not fall back into old habits, etc.

Did I mention he told me how good I looked? At one point, I pulled my hair down from the hairclip twist I had it in, and fluffed it. I said, if I had known you were coming by, I would have put on the lipstick I had thought about putting on, and he said, really quietly, you don't need lipstick. He also said I looked good, looked thinner.

He said he thought maybe I already had a new boyfriend, as he didn't know what was up with me. That I was a catch.

It was so confusing. I didn't want him there, sort of, but I couldn't stop talking to him. I don't know if this is making any sense. I felt sick and sad, and confused and stuff.

And the worst part of it, is that prior to B coming into the store, I had a great conversation with a fellow in movie production who had lived out west. it was west coast / Los Angeles / movie business bonding, and it was great fun.

You know, too, when I was driving to the bookstore today, I heard an ad / radio promo for the new Barenaked Ladies Holiday CD, and I thought, I should get that for B for Christmas.

I don't know that I'm making any sense, but I thought I'd put it out here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Scranton, PA (and the surrounding area)

2005-11-16T18:30:00.000-06:00

It's actually impressive how true to Scranton The Office (NBC, not BBC) is. Every week I notice another small detail that shows that either someone is from there, or they did some really good research.

Last week, it was that Jan was staying at the Radisson (which is the converted train station, and one of the few nice hotels in Scranton proper). Also, they were meeting with a Lackawanna County commissioner (or councilman, I can't remember) to work on a contract.

From yesterday's ep (which I'm just now watching today), there is a FROGGY 101 sticker. Which is a big radio station there. It's an entercomm station, and I met McFly (a producer / on-air guy) from there when I went to this morning radio convention back in August.

I'll just keep on noting the little things as I see them....

Previously, B and I noticed the mention of two of the big Catholic high schools in the area. They've mentioned the mining tour, and showed the same brochure on TV that I had from my travels. They've even had the area codes and stuff right.

Little things, really.... But I dated someone for 2 1/2 years from the area, and finally visited this past may-june, so I've had a little exposure to the whole deal.

(and, on another flash on B, President Bush spoke in Wilkes-Barre the other day - I heard it on The Daily Show, and it made me laugh).

survey says...

2005-11-16T17:31:00.000-06:00

this came in an email from my aunt... it might be interesting to your answers to this on me... since y'all are the friends that I think know me the best... :)

YOU fill in the blanks about ME and send it back to ME. But first send a blank one out to all your friends so they can return the favor to you.

Be honest - they're really SCARY to get back. It only takes a few minutes, so just do it!!!!
1st: Send (forward) this survey to everyone you know to see how well he or she knows you.
2nd:(reply) Fill this survey out about the person who sent it to you and send it back to them.

My name:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

Do I smoke:

Do I believe in God:

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:

Color of my eyes:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What's your favorite memory of me:

netflix & storms

2005-11-15T12:47:00.000-06:00

does anyone else who reads me use Netflix?
I want to have friend recommendations! please email me privately if you do!

p.s. there is a tornado watch for the 4-state area right now, and it's windy like an MF.
it's a little scary.

Thanksgiving - for what am I giving thanks?

2005-11-14T21:53:00.000-06:00

I think this is the first time in my life that I've dreaded Thanksgiving.
What with eating and family, it's always been one of my favorite holidays. I get to bake, and eat, and hang out...
but this year, with the drama and all, I'm not looking forward to Turkey Day.
* My aunt was trying to put something together with my maternal relatives in CA, but A)I couldn't really afford it and B) I didn't really want to deal with those relations.
* Jen invited me to Phoenix for Thanksgiving and to meet the baby, the closest thing to a nephew I'll have for a while, but I couldn't find a cheap enough fare. I tried Sidestep and Hotwire and Priceline, but nothing under $400-$500, and I could really only do $200-300, tops.
* I'm meant to go to Thanksgiving with friends here, but I dread the thought of spending hours in a social situation with B. Even with the rest of our friends there, it will be awkward, and I'll have to be the strong one. Which I don't feel like doing. Even though I want to bake.

I feel at a loss.

B and I were friends for so long, nearly my entire time in Memphis, that every Holiday is tied up with memories of him. This is my 4th Thanksgiving in Memphis, and the prior 3 were all spent with B - year one, just friends, at Radio D's house; year two, dating, at the house he shared with our friend D and D's multiple Indian relatives; year three, at W&K's house, with her mother.
I can tie Labor Days, Halloweens to B. Valentines, of course, as it was our first date, to the theatre. Christmas, our friends' birthdays, my birthday. Everything is tied up in memories of B.

I feel like I'm getting all ahead of it, and then it all hits me again. I just want the hurting to stop, my brain to stop churning. I want to escape it all, and I don't see a way to.

Wish List (not a dating healing thing)

2005-11-13T19:38:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to get things off of slips of paper around the house.
please don't take this as begging.

* an 8-12-16 setting of flatware. Stainless steel. No plastic handles. (My current set was super-cheap from Wal-Mart 3 1/2 years ago, and has plastic handles and metal ends, which are now rusting, and is a 4 person set. I run out of spoons and forks before the dishwasher is even full. I use plastic-ware and wash it to extend my usability.)
* bookshelf style stereo with CD player and radio (AM-FM) tuner.
* Bookcase ('cause I've run out of space on my current two)
* dresser / chest of drawers
* computer printer
* bundt pan
* gift certificates for Push Pilates (to cover my lessons)

side note: I'm wearing last year's birthday gift (from B) Ga[ PJ pants, and I just tripped on the hem, and tore them a bit. Not even a year old, and I've semi-killed them. hrrgh.

new chatters & out of context

2005-11-12T10:06:00.000-06:00

So, I'll start with the big money question - is it weird that I gave my ex-boyfriend's plumber my number?

Now, the background.
Yesterday, I worked my Friday evening shift at the used bookstore. The last hour had no customers, but was great fun, as I met a young couple, recently relocated from New Orleans, who were looking to get out and have fun of a Friday night. And they somehow decided that the people at the artists' market / cafe might have some suggestions. weird.
anyway, the girl of the couple (unmarried, mid-20s) and I got to chatting - about jobs (she works with retarded violent offenders / she listens to the show!), exercise (she does Pilates tapes at home, I encouraged her to come and check out a class), fashion (she loves and wears vintage clothes, that was something I enjoyed when I lived in Eugene). We had such a great conversation that I gave her my card (with my cel number on it), was completely honest (after my breakup, I'm trying to expand my circle of friends, and I've had such great fun talking to you) and she gave me her card (we should totally get together and go vintage shopping soon). I was feeling pumped and jazzed about humanity, and left the bookstore on a human-contact high.

On my way to the bookstore, I had decided that I would stop at Huey's and get a burger to take home for dinner. Many recent conversations with out-of-town friends and family have led me to greatly miss the best burger ever, the In-N-Out Burger. The secret to In-N-Out is that their food is super-fresh (never frozen) and is made to order. And the menu is simple, though there are secret, insider things to know, like "Animal Style" and such. I've yet to find a decent substitute to In N Out Burger, though we have chains here that aren't on the West Coast: Steak N Shake, Backyard Burger, Sonic, etc.

Anyway, the burger debate is for another time. My point of stopping at Huey's was that they are a local basic dining restaurant, but were recently voted the best burger in Memphis by a poll of the readers of the Memphis Flyer. I wanted a good burger, so I stopped at Huey's on my way home. I had to sit at the bar to order, so I placed my order with the barman, and was drinking my Shirley Temple when a familiar-looking guy sat down next to me. We chatted a bit, just 'how ya doin' kind of stuff, and I felt okay with it, so I introduced myself. And looked like an ass. He said, "you don't recognize me? I'm Oscar, the plumber."

Oscar the plumber was the guy who fixed B's water main when it burst this Spring. Oscar the plumber used to hang around the Starbucks on Union, and we would see him on our way into work in the AM when I was working at B's office this Spring. Oscar the plumber is a cool, nice guy.

So, Oscar the plumber and I chatted a bit more while I waited for my food. I told him B and I had broken up, that it was B's loss. We talked about the shady contractor (also named B) who had recommended Oscar, but still hadn't fixed the post that B broke in his carport the day after the plumbing was fixed. I told him where I was working, that he needed to listen. I asked him what he was doing in Huey's on Friday night, as my big plans were takeout and TV. I found out he grew up in Boston, had been military, and landed in Memphis a few years ago and stayed. He's a homeowner, runs his own business, and is cute. And, when my food came out, I gave Oscar my business card, and said that my cel was my number, if he wanted. I also apologized, again, for not recognizing him out of context, and he said he saw me at Starbucks the other day and I didn't see him then, and that he hoped I would take his call if he called.

All in all, pretty good for a Friday. Off to Pilates now.

I transcribe pretty well

2005-11-09T23:08:00.000-06:00

Two handwritten notes, posted for posterity.

12 midnight, 11-06-05 (Sunday night) after returning from a visit with W & K at their house.
I keep on having flashes of Scranton (sounds like a great band name, "Flashes of Scranton"). We're getting Wachovia down here (they are taking over another bank chain), and seeing Wachovia reminds me of the Wachovia Center (which used to be the F.U. Center) where B's mom had her car accident when we were there. Just now, I remembered the roads we traveled in that area.

I want to be over him. I want to be over it. I want to not care. I want to be able to look back, and not feel saddened.

The same phrase echoes through my mind all the time - I thought we were building a life together. To my mind, we were heading towards something, goals of marriage and kids and all that. But we weren't. It was an illusion I had built in my mind and clung to.

I think I clung to that dreamed-of future because then I could justify staying with him, and going back to him.

He always knew we weren't going to work out; I always thought I could change his mind, convince him that we would make a good pair.

And, I can't believe I did that. IN college, after a long on-and-off thing with RM, I promised myself I wasn't again going to try to convince someone to love me. But that's what I spent years with B doing - trying to convince him to love me, enough, and in the right way.

I don't doubt that B loved me. In his own way. We had been through a fair amount together, and he was my rock and sounding board. But he wasn't comfortable expressing it, and he didn't love me enough to be committed or stay committed.

And I stayed around, even when we weren't "together", so the lines blurred, the boundaries hazy, and the definitions unclear. The differences in our "together" and "not together" periods were minor. We still spent the majority of our time with each other. But when we weren't "together"/"dating", we paid for our own meals (which meant we went out less, as I have a lower budget than he) and we weren't physically affectionate.

If, during the "off" periods, either of us mentioned another person of the opposite sex, jealousies were raised, usually under the guise of joking (on his part) or sadness and frustration (on my part). We'd gradually taper off the amount of time we were spending together. Then, somehow, we'd end up back "together". Lather, rinse, repeat. Over the course of 2 1/2 years.

I finally broke the cycle this time...

And, yet, I'm the bad guy. The mean girl who won't take or return his calls. I'm the one who finally set boundaries, and yet I'm made to feel like the bad guy, the bitch, here.

I would LOVE to be over all this, to be able to be in a room with him and not actively hate him or want to burst into tears or want to make love to him. I think, I hope, that someday I will be there. I think, that with time and space and distance and radio silence, I will get there. And we can be acquaintances, people who used to know each other. We'll never be pals or buddies (even using the word buddy makes me sad, as that was a sort of nickname thing we had) or friends. But I hope, someday, we can be civil and conversational. (I don't see it happening soon.)

I can't imagine what it will be like if/when one or the other of us starts dating. K tonight warned me not to bring a date to Thanksgiving at her house. As if I would - it's not like I'm dating yet. She said she told him the same thing, and he made some crack about, "This is me and jess. Who is doing to date us?" And that made me mad - I think it devalues what we had with each other.

Though, before we dated, he used to say things, and when they were particularly bad, we'd say: "Why I'm still single, by BL". This was an imaginary book filled with his idiotic wisdom. So, I shouldn't be surprised by anything he says.

And, then, this whole truck thing. It seems to me, so out of character. It makes me feel like I never really knew him at all. 3 years of friendship, 2 1/2 years of on-and-off dating, and I never would have expected that. Did he change? Was I blind? Why do I still care??? AARRGH!
(finished, 12:53 am)

7:50 am, Monday 11-07-05 at the radio studio
Radio D just chose to play "Go to Extremes" by Billy Joel from the "Storm Front" album. Which, of course, takes me back to B's car. Actually, the graphite Honda Accord. Traveling up and down Poplar Avenue, a thousand different times.

Two bands, two artists, will always be my time with with B - Billy Joel and Barenaked Ladies.

You know, it's funny. The Storm Front tour was my second rock concert ever (The first was They Might Be Giants' "Flood". And then, in college, MT was Billy Joel's "River of Dreams" (and Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight and some country music).

And then there was B. Who had never moved past the letter B in his musical progression. He was aware of this - his car CD player had 3 BJ albums, one BNL, and one Bloodhound Gang (Hooray for Boobies).

I'm sitting at work writing this, and I'm fully melancholy. Hearing this music has made me unfocused. Which isn't good for working.

And, now, a post-script to these two notes, written at 10:56 on Wednesday 11-09-05

* I hate local furniture store ads, specifically the always oddly dressed woman with the long stringy blonde hair who ends the spots with "Memphis, southaven and Jackson"

* I talked to my Aunt V for almost two hours today. I lived with her right after college. We're only 4 1/2 years apart in age. She's known me, in one way or another, through all four of my serious adult relationships (J, T, S and B). She's also been divorced and remarried (with, seriously, the world's healthiest divorce). She helped me, A LOT, to be assured that I am doing the right thing for myself here.

* I still want to document my good attempts at being social and getting out into the world. But, more important is to document my mental state.

thanks to y'all for being here for me... Knowing that people care counts a lot.

floating and rotating

2005-11-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

I've got two different handwritten notes of what is going through my head (from last night and this morning) and have been mentally composing a week in review for last week.
but my monday night shows are on, and it's hard to type and compose and watch "Viva Blackpool" - it's a mystery, it's a musical, it's a drama, it's a romance, and it's too confusing to watch unfocused. besides, the songs today have already been an elvis costello song and a slade (!) song... and there is supposed to be morrissey too!
more to come, obviously. but then, i always make that promise. :)

LISTS (fun on the Internets)

2005-11-05T19:08:00.000-06:00

Stolen from my brother JD.

Three Names You Go By
1. Jess
2. Jessica
3. Mitzi (my new radio name)

Three Parts of Your Heritage
1. Scottish
2. German
3. Native American (really!)

Three Things That Scare You
1. The dark
2. Uncertain future
3. Sketchy people

Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Contacts
2. Phone
3. Eye Cream

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Skinny Jeans (yay!)
2. Hand me down flowy tunic top from Kiren (yay for Goodwill closet cleanouts)
3. My watch (which was a Christmas gift from B 2 years ago)

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists:
1. Oingo Boingo
2. Stereophonics
3. American Girls / Jacob Marley's Ghost / Lael Alderman (Eugene Music)

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Trust / Honesty
2. Understanding
3. Appreciation of my uniqueness

Three Physical Things about the Same Sex that Appeal to You
1. Great hair!
2. Good butts
3. Smile

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Reading
2. Watching TV
3. Pilates

Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. pee
2. Travel - England or Australia, specifically
3. Get my family (siblings & parents) all in one place at the same time.

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. England
2. Australia
3. Scotland

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Have kids (& nieces and nephews)
2. Travel, see more of the world
3. Be published

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. large American breasts
2. Appreciate jewelry
3. Don't understand action movies / horror films

Avatar!

2005-11-03T21:53:00.000-06:00

inspired by my mom's avatar on her blog.
and, strangely, we both picked the same scarf and bag. I guess my tastes have been influenced by hers. :)

horoscopes are amusing

2005-11-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

had to share these. my comments are in italics below each entry.

Daily Sagittarius Forecast
Quickie: Look to a close friendship for the affection and support you need right now.
like, for instance, you, my friends who are reading my blog, and supporting me. Physical affection... well, I miss that aspect of life, but I deal.

Overview: The Universe has arranged an agenda that's just perfect for getting you close -- or closer -- to your current squeeze, as long as you spend some quality time alone. So, make sure that happens.
what current squeeze? my quality time plans for the rest of today are to go pick up my japanese take-out, pay my rent, have a nap, and either watch Joey tonight or head to pilates. All of those, save pilates, are solitary activities. Sorry mr. horoscope.

Daily work (by Astrology.com)
Your sense of confidence is palpable, and those around you will trust your guidance implicitly. It's a good time to exercise your leadership skills and get your organization moving in a new direction.
well, i try. i'm leading the best I can. Getting organized the best I can. It's a battle some days. :)

Monthly career (by Astrology.com)
Let your subconscious do the work for you as the month gets going; you could come up with some very surprising, creative and effective solutions to some sticky work problems on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. For example, you might think, 'What better way to build team morale than by skydiving together?' Or maybe you could get your shyer colleagues to open up -- at a clambake! The 9th, you should share all your ideas as quickly (and succinctly) as possible. The 13th, go outside and play some football -- it'll do wonders for your productivity! The 17th, 'bored' is about the last word in the world that describes how you feel at work (although, unfortunately, 'stressed' could fit pretty well). The 23rd is a great day to travel. The 29th, get back to work -- and let your good ol' subconscious go at it again! It could be a real treat to see what surfaces when you let go a bit.
it's only the 3rd, too early to comment. however, my subconscious has been working overtime for 2-3 months, so i don't know that this is right. hmm...

Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)
You know you're all that, and now the rest of the world is on to your little secret. Bust out in the world and acquire a few sets of digits from the worshipping hotties in the neighborhood.
I am ALL THAT! I have new hair, a great new blue-green sweater on (cheap from Old Navy last week), and a smile that won't quit. I can't imagine where the worshipping neighborhood hotties are, but hey, I'm always game, right?

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Go out for breakfast or lunch today, no matter what the weather happens to be like. It's time to mingle. This doesn't necessarily mean you're due for a new romance, but it could. The very least that will happen is that you'll have a wonderful experience with someone near and dear to you. Don't be afraid of scaring anyone off with your extremely blunt sense of humor. Anyone who thinks you're not funny isn't worth your attention, anyway.
amen to that, sister! the scaring people off with my blunt humor is SO me... and, B didn't think I was funny. I make other friends laugh over the phone all the time, so I knew it wasn't me.
In fact, I'm heading out right now to pick up my lunch. Perhaps I'll mingle at the bar of the midtown japanese resto, while I'm picking up my to-go teriyaki and veg sushi. But I'm going solo, so i'm not fully living up to it.

ach, well... just a little humor for now.
will post more later.... I feel like I have an english assignment - I must write to at least one of the story prompts everytime I post, so I can document my life properly.

p.s. I need to get rid of Halloween candies. Am sugar high today, and have been since last Thursday. Candy Corn Rulez!

more mental swimming

2005-11-02T22:13:00.000-06:00

on the good front:
got my hair cut and colored today. A new, deeper red-brown (for the autumn/winter). Shorter hair, too. Razor cut. Took a while. Sarah rocks! (and I thanked her again for the great Halloween party last weekend)
ticked off another thing on my to do list - whilst at the salon today, I had my eyebrows shaped (waxed). They were really nice about it, said I had great brows, and just "cleaned them up".

went out with co-workers last night. We were celebrating our success in the radio ratings. Ran late (due to my weekly Pilates lesson & a weird traffic slow-down on the highway). Got there after some people I wanted to see had left. But followed the group to another bar, where I drank Shirley Temples (I don't like drinking on work nights, what with getting up early and all that) and had a hamburger. Watched co-workers get tanked, and as our crowd thinned out, ended up joining a nearby table of guys who were playing bar trivia, to further assist them in their quest. Still a little mad at myself for hosing a question, answering the wrong author. Near the end of my evening, one of the guys asked to walk me to my car, and I turned him down, saying I'd be fine. But I did take his number. His name was Mortez, and I haven't decided whether I will call him. It was nice to be paid attention to, anyway, and made me feel attractive and interesting.

a list of random thoughts I jotted down yesterday as I was heading to my nap, things that have been floating around in my head for days. In no particular order, with some embellishment and thought applied today.
I miss B. How can I not?
I don't want to get back together. How could I want to get back together with someone who told me straight out that I wasn't the one?
I was doing things, planning things, making plans thinking I was building our future together.
Still, I'm a little mad that he didn't try harder to get me back.
It's funny, he was respecting my wishes and not calling, but I think I secretly hoped he would send flowers, show up on my doorstep, etc.
Why didn't he want me when he had me, when we were together? Why does he miss me and want me now that I'm gone?
He's the one who caused this... He broke up with me. I just finally followed through with the actual breaking up.
He wanted his cake. He wanted to still have me in his life, without the 'stress' and commitments of being committed.
It's going to take more than a truck to erase me. (Just like it's going to take more than putting my jewelry away to erase him.)
I still can't believe he bought a truck. I helped him get the last car, and I can't help but wonder if he got rid of the last car because of that.
(My friend Kiren said that the car was "a really big lipstick", you know, something you run out and buy to make you feel better and more attractive - lipstick, shoes, a great dress.)
Why can't my mind rest? I still don't feel like I've slept much, or of any effectiveness, in weeks.
I'm out there, living and doing and working and going. But this, him, is always in the back of my mind.

I promise to follow up on the random stories I need to post soon. Brain swimming, time for bed, can't seem to get any resolution.

Trying to pull together my holiday plans - Christmas in NH with parents, and bb. What about Thanksgiving? Still trying to decide if I'm staying in town or going away.

thanks to everyone who has been following this and posting replies and sending me emails and phone calls and texts. It's really reassuring to know that I have people who care, who are in my corner through it all. And, my apologies if I've been a tiresome bore, stuck on the same topic for months.

whatever is going through my mind

2005-10-31T21:04:00.000-06:00

random thoughts without much analysis.

guy at concert told me "You're adorable"

still can't process the b run in from Saturday. After which, he apparently ran out and traded in his Honda Accord for a Honda truck of some sort. D & Kiren told me about it. I actually drove by today and looked at it.

i don't think i'm very happy with the way things are going at work.

nary a trick or treater tonight. and I knew that was a distinct possibility, and i still bought 3 bags of candy.

tired, tired, tired. still can't sleep. my unquiet mind keeps rambling along, trying to make decisions and put things right.

this weekend was mostly good days, but there was some definite weird and confusion.
I don't think the confusion ends easily.

too tired to stay up for viva blackpool.

watching so much BBC America that i'm surprised people don't have manchester or blackpool or irish or scots accents when they are talking.

Possible topics - discuss...

2005-10-30T16:03:00.000-06:00

things I need to post about:
last Friday's impromptu party invite
Friday night's art opening
Saturday's bizarre b run-in at Starbucks (he pulled up a chair!)
Saturday night's Halloween party invite... and last-minute costume... and party adventures
Today's day off of work and Voodoo Music (heading out soon)

silent world

2005-10-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Another day of not talking to anyone since before my nap... So, since approximately 2:30 ish, I've only heard my TV and the sound of myself laughing out loud or talking to myself.
I'm still suffering through my weird cold thing - it's all post-nasal drip and sore throat and malaise. I'm not really congested, but I'm not really hungry either. So, I'm consuming a lot of fluids (tea, gatorade, water) and soups. (thanks to D & Kiren for bringing me sick person supplies yesterday evening.) Tonight, I made myself a cup of homemade cocoa. I burnt my tongue, but I enjoyed the mug.
the silence and time to myself leads me to think, and think, and think. The insomnia that I've had recently (from the brain-in-overdrive and the fluishness) has only fueled the thinking... and the weird dreams disturb me, and challenge me in the waking hours to figure out what they mean. A lot of them are about B, which is a "no duh!" thing, but they are more about me and my responses to my situation.
heck, I don't know. I'm not really clear right now.
there are about 2 or 3 different things I have had knocking about in my head to write - six degrees of me, me and love and B, and others - but I haven't been able to bring myself to write them.
Right now, I feel like this blog is just me talking to myself, in writing. And while that's therapeutic, it also helps to know that people are out there "listening to" (reading) what I have to say. But, then, that's my neediness and need to be a part of things manifesting itself there.

long live VH1 - both the regular and the classic. I heart the 80's 3D is on this week, so I've been watching that... and right now, Classic is running The Alternative, and I've seen Flock of Seagulls ( I think it was space age love song), a Husker Du song, Dramarama's Anything, Anything, and right now, slightly annoying me, is L7's Pretend that we're dead.
OOOOHHH! It's Black Flag, featuring what looks to be a 15-year-old Henry Rollins, in the video for TV Party. A black and white TV, a fridge full of generic beers and the king of beers, mentions in the lyrics of That's Incredible, Hill Street Blues, Dallas, Dynasty. It's an early punk group getting drunk in a really crappy quality video, with deplorable lip-synching, throwing beers at each other. classic early music video!

call and response

2005-10-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

so, I neglected to mention this in the previous post, as it wasn't really related to the topic...
B called me today. Actually, the phone ringing woke me from my nap (at 4 pm), in the middle of an (as usual) weird dream. I checked the Caller ID, saw that it said "B home" and let it roll to voicemail.
When I checked it, it was a very vague message, identifying himself, asking me to call him on his cel, and giving me the phone number - as if 3 years of having it memorized have been erased in one month.
I haven't called him back. I don't think I want to. I'm just starting to enjoy my own company again, and to not associate everything (going to the grocery, target, watching TV) with him. I've started to be able to say (and think) "ex-boyfriend" and to not think "we this" and "we that" and "b likes this". I'm starting to think of being with him as being in the past.
It's only been a month, as of today, since the last time I saw and talked to him. He's emailed me once in the interim, to tell me a story of computer monitors, but I didn't email him back.
I know from friends he is okay. I'm sure he knows from friends that I am okay.
And I have had to fight the urge to drive by and check his house and make sure he is okay. Last week, a co-worker who lives nearby asked me for a ride to work, and I had to pass B's home on the way to pick him up. I found myself craning my head toward his driveway as I drove past, but his elderly neighbor's car blocked my view.
I think that if he was calling about our friends, if something had happened, someone else would have phoned. I think he left a vague message to entice me to call.
But I can't do it. I can't give in. It's not a matter of loving him, or not loving him. I did and do love him. But I'm having to love myself and my progress, and not call him. And I'm not sacrificing my happiness by sticking to my principles. I'm trying to keep my happiness, and not slide back to the old situation.
This is SO difficult. I don't want to seem like a bitch who is uninterested in him. But I need to do what is best for me, and I think that is continuing to stay out of touch.
Please tell me I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm not being callous or cruel to someone who once (and possibly still does) loved me.

things that remind you of something else

2005-10-24T18:40:00.000-05:00

Today, while I was working at my computer at home (for work-related stuff), I turned on the TV to have something on in the background... and stopped on WE, the women's network. It's in my "favorites" because I've become addicted to a programme called "McLeod's Daughters", which is an Australian weekly nighttime soap. It's wonderful.
Anyway, I stopped on WE, and stayed for "A Bunny's Tale", which is, well... Here's the description from WE's website:

A BUNNY'S TALE
1985
Journalist Kirstie Alley dons bunny ears for an undercover expose on waitressing at the once-popular Playboy Clubs. As she gets the scoop for her article and learns what it takes to be a bunny, including the right way to pour drinks (the bosom-revealing "Bunny Dip"), Alley concludes that life as a sex object is an utterly demeaning experience. Based on the real-life experiences of feminist Gloria Steinem, this 1985 drama implies that Steinem's activism in the 1960s and 1970s was, in large part, shaped by her stint as a bunny.

It's a wonderful 1980's TV movie, starring all those 1980's TV stars you remember, even if you can't place their name. Delta Burke, Joanna Kerns, pre-fame Lela Rochon, and the long-dark-haired girl from "Too Close to Comfort" (her name is Deborah Van Valkenburgh). Pretty good story, and pretty realistic to the time period - keeping in mind it's starring Kirstie Alley as GLORIA STEINEM.

Anyway, as I was watching it (and I did stay for the whole 2 hours), it reminded me of the summer trip B and I took. We went to NEPA to attend a friend's wedding, visit his family, and vacation a bit too. Being me, I packed the agenda with all sorts of touristy things (it's simply in my nature to over-plan and over-organize). While we were there, we stayed at his father's house, with his father (B Sr) shares with his girlfriend (L) and her sons. One day, while chatting about this and that, L revealed that she had spent a summer working at a Playboy Club, as a Bunny. She talked of the clothes, the hairstyle and weight requirements, the shoes, et cetera. She was apparently quite a babe and a looker in her day, and enjoyed the summer job, though her parents were a little more wary. If I remember correctly, she was saving up, and that job helped her to do that. When she was done telling us the story, she asked B and I to please not mention this to her sons, as they didn't know about this part of her past.
It was such a bizarre moment, B's not-quite-stepmother revealing this odd little bit of her past to us. And, she's probably the only person I've met that worked at one of those clubs, which was a total and unique part of the bizarre past of America.

I'd have to say it was a good day...

2005-10-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday. Saturday. Wonderful day.
Started early. I was out of bed at 6:30 am, as I had made arrangements with D & Kiren to be picked up at 7:00-7:15 am. We planned to carpool to the Race for the Cure in Germantown. So, I got up with the alarm, tended to my morning ablutions, took my allergy medication, and had some juice. Kiren called around 7, said they were running a little late, and would be by to pick me up soon. They picked me up around 7:30, and we headed east. We stopped at Starbucks and caffeinated, and, with a little effort, found the shuttle bus location, where we waited for about 10 minutes.
We got to the "Lifestyle center" the event was based at, walked around and got a few freebies (most importantly, the cotton version of the ford-Lilly Pulitzer scarf), and waited to meet up with Tonya & Rob-Bob and Tonya's kids. I hadn't seen the girls in at least a year, and they were fun as always. It started to warm up nicely when we got walking around 9 am. (it had started out a bit chilly in the morning, but we had all dressed in layers.) Tonya's girls both wanted to hold Miss Jessica's hand, and I spent most of the walk minding one or the other, giving T some grown-up time. Then the girls discovered the novelty of Miss Kiren and Mister D, and had even more fun. We walked the 1 k "Family Fun Walk", so it was a short, not very taxing walk. Probably the most physically demanding part was when I gave her younger daughter (4 years old, 40 lbs) a piggy back ride for the last portion of the walk. Though, it wasn't as hard on me as it was on Mister D - T's older daughter asked him for a back ride, and she's 6 and weighs over 60 lbs. The walk was fun, the time spent with Tonya & Rob-Bob and the girls was fun, and I'm glad we all signed up and did it.
After the walk, the stores at the center were open for business. D, Kiren & I walked around Williams-Sonoma, taking in the wonderful aroma of that store. Everything, as always, was ridiculously priced, but that's part of the fun, really. And I got a latte made in the store, from my dream cappuccino machine, priced at the not-really-affordable-for-anyone price of $3200 (not including tax). But, man, is it a beautiful machine - a milk thermos, water reservoir, coffee grinder, everything completely automated. It would be the office coffee machine of my dreams. D&Z would LOVE it. :)
Anyway, we came out of the store, and met back up with T & Co... who, citing child peakedness, bowed out of hanging any more. We continued to shop our back to the shuttle stop, and had a great time at The Gap. Kiren and I both bought the same jacket (same color, same size, even), vowing to make sure we didn't wear it to the same social occasions. After some worry, we caught the last shuttle bus back to the car, and a nice conversation with a male cheerleading coach (our ages, roughly, and kinda cute - and we discerned he wasn't married. didn't swap numbers, but I did convince him to listen to the radio show).
As we were driving back down Poplar, we spotted the spice store that we always want to go to, but is never open when we are out there. It's called Penzey's Spices, and it's a fragrant, affordable, cook's heaven. I bought two small jars - ground mustard and turmeric. Kiren & D bought a bunch of stuff, and Kiren will probably return after she's gone through the recipes at home, and sees what else the cupboards are missing.
Down the way from Penzey's was a creperie & cafe, called Le Creperie. We stopped and had lunch there, even though we had been grazing our way through the day. I LOVE crepes, and haven't made them in an awful long time (I lack the proper 7" saucepan, though I had a fantastic recipe that I made quite often when I was younger). D & Kiren had some brunchy-style crepes, and I had a simple jack cheese savory crepe and an apricot jam coated dessert style crepe. We sat for a little while, then headed back out to do more driving and errands.
We still had our workout clothes on, me wearing my tight stretchy 'yoga' pants that I normally wear for Pilates. Sadly, I don't have ANY other workout clothes (not even sweats), so that was my choice of attire. Thank god the event shirt was long enough to cover my bum, so I wasn't showing the world the lumpy mis-shapen bits. :)
D & Kiren wanted to check out a park as a possible wedding site, and asked if I minded tagging along. Off we went to the local nature center, whose facilities were lacking what the engaged couple desired. There was a quite funny moment when the employee said the indoors could be used in inclement weather, though the taxidermy exhibit couldn't be moved. The taxidermy included a buffalo, beaver, bobcat, and other dead, stuffed, local animals. We imagined people doing vows with a threatening-looking cat staring them down. We quietly giggled, and headed on to the next stop, an Indian restaurant, to find out if they did catering for the wedding reception.
We then headed back towards Cordova, to a furniture store which was featuring a super-bankruptcy-going-out-of-business-everything-must-go sale (which seem to be de rigeur around here). D was interested in finding some specific pieces, none of which pleased him at this store. Kiren and I did get to use the facilities, and we got to giggle at the ridiculous art one always finds at furniture stores.
At this point, we were exhausted, and we headed back to the other side of memphis, so they could drop me home. Kiren finally got to see my little apartment (I have her the 5 cent tour; D had been inside at a party I held there a LONG time ago). They headed home, and I headed down for a nap.
I was woken at around 5-ish, when G called to see if I was still planning to go to the Grizzlies game. I bowed out, as I was still groggy and exhausted. I actually had a nice night in, enjoying my own company, and watched movies (Dodgeball from Netflix) and TV by myself. Convinced myself to not order food out, and went to bed by midnight. Like I said, good company, good friends, good cause, a little shopping, good food, good weather, et cetera, et cetera. It was a good day.

why I still enjoy my part-time retail job:

2005-10-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

customers.
that is, other human beings with ideas and thoughts and interests. people to have good conversations with. I am working at Midtown Books today, and I just had a few great chats with random people.
A very nice guy came in to trade in a book, and purchase another against his credit, and as he was checking out, starting asking about certain authors. This led to a chat about authors I've tried to read. Said customer was buying a Dave Eggers book, "You Shall Know Our Velocity", and I commented that I had tried, more than once, to read Dave Eggers' first book, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I could just never bring myself to read it. It's like Dave Eggers, and Augusten Burroughs (Running With Scissors, Dry), and James Frey (A Million Little Pieces, the new Oprah book! about drug addiction), and Haven Kimmel - all these McSweeney's writers that I think should read, because they are supposedly cool, and all the other kids are reading them. But i just can't. I mean, i LOVE David Sedaris, and amazon recommends these authors if you like David Sedaris and David Rakoff and Sarah Vowell. I've had a first edition hardcover of A Million Little Pieces since it first came out, and I don't think I've even cracked the spine.
So, from books, we moved onto music, and got to talking about music in memphis, local radio, local musicians, etc. We probably talked for about 20 minutes, and it was really enjoyable. We debated Kate Bush, Tori Amos, Alanis, Cowboy Mouth, Bjork, and tons others. I found out, by his musical tastes, that he was a bit younger than I. And, I'm not making any big assumptions here, but I'm pretty sure he was gay. Making the conversation easier, as I wasn't trying to flirt, or worried about how I looked or sounded. I was chatting away about interesting things to an interesting person.
As we were wrapping up the conversation, this other guy comes up to buy a book. While i'm making his change, he jots his name into our mailing list, and it's a local musician who I had just been talking to Z about at work. Cory Branan. Cory is talented musician, who I saw play a gig 3 years ago, and who has come into the bookstore a few times. He's also quite dreamy. We only chatted for a minute, but that was long enough to soak up the dreaminess.

on another note, my friend Juan called me today, he was so worried about my last post. This was suprising, as juan and I don't generally phone each other. We relate electronically - emails, IMs, etc.
I realize that I post when the muse hits me, when I am down or lonely or feeling unloved. It doesn't occur to me to post when I'm having a great time, laughing at the TV, watching movies from Netflix, or just got in from a nice time out at the movies with a former co-worker & friend (Thanks, G, for seeing Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit with me last Saturday night). I only think about writing when I'm bummed, which is unfairly painting me as seeming more depressed or down than I really am. The truth is, i'm plugging on. Some days are worse than others, and those are the days or moments I feel the need to write. But I'm going to try to kick my own ass to write more (generally), and more positive stuff.

On a positive note, I had a few social invites this weekend. I think I will try to do all of them. A small gathering at Amy's (the coffee shop co-owner) tonight, walking in the Breast Cancer Walk tomorrow, and then basketball (memphis grizzlies) Saturday night. Keeping busy, seeing friends, all fairly low-cost. rock on!

Out of control

2005-10-20T23:03:00.000-05:00

I actually feel out of control right now... not in a self-destructive, too much, too many kind of way, but in the way that I feel I have no control of my life. Like, all my adult life, I've been waiting for someone to step in and run things for me. I don't know that I've been consciously aware of that (at times, maybe), but with the break-up, and living alone, and my job not going the way I had hoped or planned for it to... I feel like I need to gain a modicum of control, to be (annoying buzzword bingo word approaching) "proactive" in my life.

There is an Oingo Boingo album, "Dark at the End of the Tunnel" (Nicole, and possibly Juan, may be the only people who actually remember that album; Boingo never really hit it big outside of LA / SF), that featured a single called "Out of Control". Boingo had an earlier song called "On the Outside".
I've always identified with "On the outside" - this is where it all begins, on the outside looking in, just an alien through and through, trying to make believe I'm you, trying to fit, just a stranger, on the outside looking in."
But now, tonight, I find the lyrics of "out of control" floating through my head. Though the song seems to be talking someone out of doing themselves in, the lyrics still carry meaning. I looked them up on the Internets so I could quote them better. (I've obviously excerpted the ones that carry meaning to me):
You're out of control yeah, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream.... You're out of control, and you want the world to love you, Or maybe you just want a chance to let them know, That you live and breathe and suffer, And your back is in the corner and you've got nowhere to go.... You're out of control, and you move without direction, And people look right through your soul, You're out of control, and you want someone to tell you, When you wake up in the morning it'll only be a dream...

ach, I don't know. It's not that I want instant answers. It's just that lately, I feel like every time I talk to someone, I end up turning into Debbie Downer. I find it difficult to find my happy. I'm watching TV shows, watching Netflix movies of my own choosing, and reading like a fiend. I've probably finished 3 or 4 books in the past week, finishing two books in two days. I've not been sleeping due to reading. I've got mild insomnia, but I don't know what to do to alleviate it. I've been reaching out to people for social interaction, and trying to accept any (reasonable) social invite that comes my direction. But I still feel disjointed and disconnected, and nothing seems to alleviate that feeling at this point.

On other matters, I'm walking in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure Breast Cancer Walk on Saturday. I'm doing the short version, the 1 mile fun walk. I'll be missing my Saturday Pilates class for it, but I'll make up for missing the class by walking! And I'm joining Tonya & the girls, and Kiren & D, and looking forward to it.

I know the only way to keep on is to keep on keeping on. I just wish that I wasn't so numbed right now. I want to feel again, you know? To have my heart skip when I see someone, or to feel the glow of recognized accomplishment. To actually LAUGH and really feel it, to be a part of it all...
There is also a part of me that wishes this could all go away, and I could go back to living the life I was used to. It was easier. But it wasn't right, ultimately.

in other, semi-unrelated news, I did not win the $340 million powerball ticket. It wasn't for lack of trying. I did win $4 in Saturday's drawing, by getting the PB and two other numbers. yay me! The ticket was bought in Oregon, but I checked with my brother Marc, and he didn't buy a ticket for yesterday's drawing, so it wasn't him. besides, new reports say the ticket was bought in "the historic Oregon Gold Rush town of Jacksonville." We keep trying. I hope Mom bought a ticket - it's supposed to help me not be sad.

social networking

2005-10-16T17:10:00.000-05:00

So, I got asked out today. In a very odd manner... which then became WEIRDER.

I was leaving Starbucks with my morning (afternoon, really) latte on the way to work at the bookstore. I had finished going through the used newspaper bin, as I do, looking for the Target ad, coupon sections, and other interesting sections (sometimes I luck upon a funnies section, or the NY Times Magazine, or other such). I had a wonderful conversation while ordering with the barista, a friendly girl by the name of Julie, who I've seen many times over the past few years. Turns out she is an adjunct professor of lit at U of M (University of Memphis) and has an MFA in Lit, and writes fiction. pretty cool conversation, all together, and I love meeting people with similar interests, especially in a coffee shop.

So, anyway, I was leaving Starbucks with my papers and my latte, when a guy comes up, and asks me my name. Being polite, I tell him, and shake his hand. Then he tells me I'm very pretty. I say, thank you, I'm flattered. He asks me if I'd like to go out sometime. I tell him, thanks for asking, but I've recently broken up, and I'm just not there yet. He said something about taking a chance, he's very nervous, and that his hands are shaking... He held them up to prove it, and they were. He was a plain-looking guy, with blue eyes and shaved bald (but balding anyway) head, and a bit on the pudgy side. I would place him as being approximately the same age as me, but not certain to his age. We awkwardly chatted a bit more, and I ended up taking down his name and number, just to be polite and end the conversation. He said his name was "Dustin, like the household chore". Somehow, in this exchange, I mentioned I was heading to work at the bookstore. (not quite thinking, just talking... and I know better than that.)

Sure enough, about an hour or two into my bookstore shift, he strolls on into the store. I had told Donna, the artist on duty, about my bizarre asking out, and so alerted her to his entrance into the store. She told me to go to the bookstore side, and be sweet. I tried. He stayed for over an hour and a half, just hanging out and shopping and listening to me chat with regulars (like Bob, who is an older man who comes in every Sunday, and who is dealing with his health and doctors visits and such, and who hangs out for at least a half hour scowling and making conversation) and customers. Little awkward guy hovered around the counter for a while, telling me he liked self-help books and stuff, and especially books that helped him be smarter. Was telling me about a brain power book, and used a word that made me cringe, though I can't remember it now - one of those words that isn't a word, that people who are trying to sound smarter use. I tried to be polite, but nothing further, until he finally left and asked me to call him sometime.

I feel bad, really, because I want to be networking, but I know that this guy isn't someone I want to spend any time with. He kinda gave me the creeps, and I don't want to lead weird fellas on. I wanted to take his asking me out as a compliment, and move on, but his coming into the bookstore killed that vibe and left me weirded out. And he knows where I work, at least on the weekend.

the meaning of love

2005-10-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

My mother, a person who loves the internet and does not usually forward things, sent this to me. It speaks to me, and I hope it speaks to you.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" These are some of the answers:

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hand's got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once spoke about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old man's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Just a little crazy

2005-10-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've backslid a little today... I'm owning up to it.

First, I got an email from B today... telling me that his computer monitor, which is less than 2 years old, just died, and he had to borrow one from Wayne. He's telling me this because the monitor I am currently using now was bought from him, after my monitor died. He'd had this monitor laying around for a year and a half, and right after he sells it to me, his monitor dies. He thought I would appreciate the irony and humor of the story.
I didn't write back, but I do admit that when the little yahoo notification went off and I saw who the email was from, I did get a little twinge in my tummy.

The actual backsliding was far worse, but ultimately harmless, I think. I know his HS GF, the "love of his life", the one he admitted to me and his former roommate (when we are just friends, far before the drama) that he would move back home if she asked him to and pursue a future with, well, she's getting married. This month, in their hometown area of Scranton. Before I cut off contact with B, we had conversations about whether he was even going to fly up there and attend it (his budget is tight). Heck, over the summer, we had discussed US (him and I, as a couple) going... I was supposed to have met her and her fiance during our summer visit, but we had an exhausting schedule, and bowed out of that meal and meeting.
So, today, just a few minutes ago, I was surfing the internet looking for the details of their wedding, via TheKnot and WeddingChannel. I was looking it up by her name, which is a fairly common one, and was a little halted by the lack of his name. There are actually two people with her name getting married in PA in October & November. I looked at the registries and the dates, and the cities, and narrowed it down to a wedding Saturday next (10-22). And, you know what, the registries were SAD. Nothing on them, but, positive for her, most all on the two I saw had been purchased.
I think the original motivation behind looking up the wedding details was to find out the dates, and figure out which weekend B would potentially be out of town.

I honestly don't know what is up with his life right now. I had dinner with W&K Sunday night, and was very focused on not asking them questions about him, or leading the conversation to our breakup or to him. I feel for them for being in the middle, hate that our personal situation has put our friends in the middle, and I am attempting to be as thoughtful to their predicament as they are to mine. A part of me wants to know if he is going to the ex-GF's wedding, and if he does, will he be the guy re-enacting that scene from "The Graduate"? And the sensible part knows I shouldn't care.

I'm at 3 weeks on my 60 day he-tox (no talking to him / focusing on myself) plan, and I'm so proud of myself that I know I am in grave danger of breaking the rules and having to start over again. I had to look at previous entries to check dates, but I believe the last time I saw and talked to him was Monday 26 September, when I took over his stereo to him, and stayed for a few minutes talking to him. It was surreal to be there, knowing it was my last time talking to him. I wish I had said more profound and lingering things than I did. I know we talked about work, and his plans for his house, and a bit about our friends.

I actually wonder how/why I haven't run into him at the local Starbucks, or the grocery around the corner, or haven't driven past him on the street. We live less than a mile from each other, and some days it is difficult to stop myself from driving past his home, just to see how he's doing.
But I gave up low-level stalking in college - I have a scary level of recall that makes it easy for me to remember peoples' schedules, and made the "accidental run-in" an easy task for me in HS and college.

anyway, it's near bedtime, and I could write more for hours without saying anything. The updates will continue to come as I remember. Oh, in case you were wondering, the Saturday freak-out was exactly that, a freak-out. The friends I was SO worried about not getting called back by - well, they had changed their home phone number, but kept the old one, and I was leaving messages on the line they don't check often. And, Saturdays being Saturdays, they had been in and out and hadn't gotten the message until LATE at night. So, I wasn't being avoided, which was a great relief. In fact, I saw them Sunday, and all is well with the world and my friendships.

i'm THAT friend now

2005-10-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

the one no one calls back.
I've left a bunch of messages for friends, and no replies. I feel like the sides have been chosen, or that I'm being phased out. I don't know if its true, but that's how I feel.
I also know that writing this risks making it worse. but I'm so lonesome today. It's another one of those days where I go hours without hearing anything but the TV and my own voice - not the ring of my phone, or the beep of the computer alerting me to mail, or any other person's voice.
this is the torture of a breakup, of starting over... the time spent completely alone, on nights when you would have normally gone out to dinner with friends, or over the friends' to watch TV, or movies, or have dinner.
i think i'm on the verge of crying, for the first time in days. missing company is worse than mourning the possibilites of the future. yeah, I miss B, and the place he had in my life and my heart, but the real sadness is the loss of a future I thought I had. and the real sadness, right now, is the loss of friends.

today, I watched a DVD (13 going on 30) and had a great time with the DVD. I got rid of the dresser that I had planned on refinishing but had now decided against. I actually got the whole dresser out of my apartment and onto the curb all by myself, using a handtruck I borrowed from the bike shop. I un-built a small shelf that B built for my bathroom back in my old apartment. It was one of those sweet gesture things he did, and even though there was no place for it in this apartment, I had held onto it because of the gesture behind it. But, today, I hammered out all the nails, removed them, and gave the boards to bike shop, to see if they could use it for apartment repairs or such. I felt like big, strong, capable girl when I was destroying and hauling. But now I feel like lonely, my friends won't call me back girl.

And the worst part of it? the part of my brain that is always waiting for the inevitable rejection wonders if I did or said something to cause this. and I'm racking it trying to figure out what I could have done, and all it keeps coming up with is breaking up with B. I thought my friendships were stronger than that.

New People, New Experiences

2005-10-08T00:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I followed one of my new rules (don't turn down invites to social events) and went to a "Girls' Night", with a few girls I sort of knew and most who I didn't.
The backstory is this: I work part-time at a used bookstore which shares space with an artists' co-op market and a coffee shop. Two people run the coffee shop part, Pete and Amy. Pete and Amy are NOT a couple, but they do have a lot of friends in common. Pete and Amy and their friends are all Christian, and attend the same church, I think (I haven't yet figured out what denomination of Christian, but it involves bible study and fellowship). Tonight, Pete was telling stories about this men's night he had planned, and asked Amy was planned for the girls' night, to be held at their friend Brownie's house. Apparently, Brownie wanted a Girls' Night, and asked Pete to plan a coinciding boys' night for the husbands. Pete knows I'm recently broken up, and lonely, and told Amy she should invite me. I told Pete not force me on Amy, and went back to working in the bookstore and chatting with the artist on duty, Mary Louise (I think... I hope, that's what I called her all night).
When we were closing, Amy gave me a scrap of paper with directions on it, and told me I should come, there would be lemon squares and brownies. I came home, puttered around, watched a bit of television, and decided, since the gathering was ONE BLOCK AWAY from my apartment, that I should go. So, I put on some lipgloss, brushed my hair, and headed out.
I found the apartment easily, knocked and was let in. I was introduced all around, and I already knew 3 or 4 of the people there (Brownie, the hostess, and her husband Jason are regulars at the Bookstore and coffee shop; Erin, this artist that does really cool cartoony canvasses; Amy, who invited me; and Amy's friend Katherine, who hangs out at the coffee shop a lot). I had met, in passing, another 2 or 3 of the women (at the coffee shop over the past year). They were all really friendly, and nearly all named Katherine (3 in one room). I was seated next to Irish Katherine. They all attend the same church, a fair number are married (and young, at that, I gather most of them were around 25). They have a lot of friends in common, and seemed to have all been, at one time or another, roommates with each other. They were telling stories across the room, multiple conversations on mulitple topics, but I didn't feel left out. I ended up drinking two cups of decaf coffee, laughing, joking, telling stories about childhood pets and work and my recent breakup. It was good time, and brownie and I exchanged numbers, and she told me to call her if I was ever sitting here feeling lonely, or wanted to take a walk, or whatever.
I'm glad I did it, and hope to hang out again soon... I'm not ready to join their church, and I hope they don't push that, because I had a great time meeting new people and just chatting about this and that.
A nice way to end the week, and start the weekend. And a nice way to forget all I am going through, and put my best me forward to new people.
:)

oh, and I found out that the artist (Mary Louise?) is a listener to D&Z, to the point of naming off things she heard today and earlier this week that she enjoyed. It's kind of cool to know that people are appreciating something I am involved in.

Pilates tomorrow, solo (Kiren has an infection and is quarantined). Maybe the Pink Palace Crafts Fair, if Tonya calls... or maybe by myself, if she doesn't. We'll see.
And I've decided to get rid of the project dresser - stripping the first drawer made the veneer (that was hidden under the thick coat of colorful paint) peel. and the wood isn't great quality. I'm going to put it on the curb tomorrow, see if I can get one of the bike shop guys to help me take it to the curb. Refinishing it isn't a project I want to tackle right now, it's taking up space in my living room, and it kind of stinks. I'll either save up for a target dresser, scour PB outlet for one, or, at some point, find another project at a charity shop. In the meantime, my bookcase folded clothes storage will work just fine.

A few days' worth of notes

2005-10-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

I've been making notes everywhere, especially whilst I'm working.
Lists of priorities, realities, notes on feelings and thoughts. Here are some of them, labeled by when I think I took them down or by category.

Tuesday 10-04-05
This morning, when getting dressed for work, I decided my outfit needed a necklace. I had long taken off my former daily Tiffany necklace (a long bar T&Co pendant that B had given me when we were first dating, which he brought back from Aruba for me). I took it off a few weeks ago, when B and I really broke up. It was only the second time I took it off for that reason (the first was over 2 years ago). I had put it in the drawer with my other Tiffany jewelry gifts.

I went into the drawer to grab a necklace, and pulled out the box that I thought was a simple initial J necklace. The box turned out to be a pair of earrings that matched the necklace, a pair of earrings I had never even worn. A mix of sadness, nostalgia, and nausea hit me. I put the box away, closed the drawer, and gave up on a necklace. I ended up going into another drawer, and got out a simple multi-colored elastic plastic bead bracelet, and put on my old silver rings (which I haven't worn in years). I had to put on old jewelry to get my equilibrium back.

Tuesday 10-04-05, 8:00 am
I've got to break the habits. I just saw an ad on the TV for home appliances, and thought about B's kitchen, and the remodel it needs, and will someday get. But I won't be there for it.
One of my friends said breaking up is like quitting smoking. And it really is. It's breaking these habits you've built up over years, and replacing them with new behaviors, thoughts, actions.

PRIORITIES:
someone who likes music, and seeing concerts.
someone who enjoys comedy, including stand-up comedy.
someone who will do activities - go bowling, skating (ice and roller), batting cages, mini golf, etc.
someone who wants marriage & kids.
someone who likes my family.
someone whose family I like (and whose family likes me).
will introduce to me to their family, sooner than later.
someone who likes my body, faults and big boobs and all.
someone who likes me.
someone who loves me.
someone who isn't afraid to call me their girlfriend.
someone who isn't scared to say they love me.

REALITIES:
REALIZATION - He told me two years ago, straight out, that he didn't like me enough. Said something along the lines of, "I don't want you to wake up in 2 years and wonder why you wasted your time." And, I still stuck around.
We broke up a bunch of times previously, and I didn't get it.
He didn't like my family. He told me, even recently, he was scared of them.
He made fun of me singing along with music... which is just part of who I am.
Compromise meant me changing, not him.
Not always interested in {} me... would withdraw {}, but still visit the "club"
he's not who I imagined myself to end up with, but I accepted the idea of our future because I loved him.
Discussions of the future (kids, marriage, future careers) usually ended in arguments and/or frustration.

Thank you to Tonya for lunch and conversation yesterday, happy birthday (a day late) to my sister Neen, and happy birthday (a day early) to my sister Bebe, and happy birthday (2 days early) to Jen.

Also, still need to write about the "six degrees of jess"... it's been wild on that front this week.

caring and chanting

2005-10-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

you spend a few years caring about someone else, how they feel, what they care about, and you can't just turn it off.
and I know (from our friends) that B was hurting.
and, I miss him... i miss hanging out with him... I still grab my phone in the car to call him, and then fight the urge to call.
so, I have to keep chanting to myself, I'm doing this for my own good. be strong. i have to remember that breaking up with him, and getting over it, is what will make it possible to find another better person. someone who wants to admit he's my boyfriend.
hell, the office (US) is on... and it's set in Scranton, and he's from Scranton area, and I've been to Scranton.
i've been thinking, and reading, and making notes on every scrap of paper as to what I'm thinking.
I still feel a bit of a narcissist, but it's a necessary evil in this situation.
Honestly, I've been writing this to keep from calling everyone all the time and blabbing on and on...