Sounds of Silence

I haven't talked to another human being since 2:30 pm today, when Tonya called me to set up a coffee date for next week. Thank god for my friends checking in on me.

Seriously, though, other than speaking out loud to myself or laughing at the TV or singing along with a song on the TV, I've barely used my voice since I awoke from my nap at 5:30 ish.

I think that's one of the biggest changes in my life. When I was with B, even when we were "on a break" but still hanging out, I knew that I would have someone to talk to if I was bored, or someone to call to go get food, or someone to call for a goodnight. Also, my phone rang more when B and I were talking... for the same reason. I was his boredom / go get food / goodnight call.

The other thing, and I've mentioned this to some of my friends, even going to the point of mentioning to D&Z&MB the other morning, is that I don't have anyone as a "dead person checker." You know, the person who would notice if you were dead. It's a concern of mine, as I live by myself, don't really know my neighbors, and only have a cell phone for a telephone. It could take days for people to realize I wasn't around.

When I worked at my old radio job, I knew my friend and co-worker Tonya would call me if I didn't show up, and if she didn't get ahold of me, she would call B or come over my house and check on me. I would occasionally drive into work at 4:30 am and see cars wrecked on the side of the road, and realize that could be me, without anyone to notice for a while. I knew B would notice if he hadn't heard from me in a while, and call and / or drive by to check up - plus, he knew my landlords, and they would let him in. At one point, my paranoia was such that I made sure he had a key for that reason.

But my current co-workers, they would just think I got drunk, and fell out of bed, and that's why I wasn't answering my phone. It would probably take them 2 days to notice me missing, and to go to the office authorities for my "emergency call" (which goes to my parents in NH).

I don't talk to any of my local friends daily. Actually, right now the person I talk to most often on the phone is my friend Jen, who lives in Phoenix. I have a standing Pilates appointment with Kiren on Saturdays, and we usually play phonemail on Friday to confirm. I talk to Karin once or twice a week since the breakup, and her workplace is close to my home. She's the only person out there currently with a key to my apartment, left over from when B & I went to PA and I needed my mail taken in. But it could still be days until anyone noticed.

I think that's one of the saddest things, really, about living alone in a city where you have no family, and a small social circle, and a job whose hours keep you isolated (more than the normal 8-5 type schedule).

I did get MB, the sports guy from the radio show and a fellow Midtown resident, to promise me that if I didn't show up to work, and they hadn't heard from me, that he would check up. Small consolation, though, really.

I'm melancholy, PMS-ing, and really feeling isolated. I also realized that I don't know if I have any contentedness or satisfaction in my life. And I gotta get to some level of those before I figure the rest out.

I know from my (our) friends that B misses me greatly. And I miss his presence in my life. But as I continue to be separate from him, I'm realizing there are things I don't miss.

I don't miss his making fun of my laugh lines (well-earned wrinkles around my eyes), or my big boobs (seriously, what guy wishes his GF's boobs were smaller, and how do I keep picking them?), or the way I dance (a little too "black" for his Yankee white-boy tastes), or how loudly I talk or laugh (those things, to me, are part of who I am). I don't miss his negativity about other people (how bad they drive, how bad the service is, etc).

I do miss someone knowing the foods and shops and other things I like. I do miss not having to drive everywhere. I do miss having someone to watch TV and movies with.

hmm, well, it's past my bedtime, and I feel that I'm skipping from subject to subject. Another blog entry down.

Oh, on the vice tip:
Today, very good. Oatmeal with dried fruit for dinner, veggie pasta for lunch, no chocolate.
Yesterday, very bad. Wendy's for lunch, including a biggie fries (which I polished off), cheeseburger, and a monster rootbeer soda. And dinner was worse - splitting an appetizer latter, plus fries, at Perkins.
oh, and I pursued retail therapy again yesterday - bought this great dressy gauzy tank top thingie at Ann Taylor loft. $44, not on sale. Took Karin to give me the thumbs up on it. then bought a pair of jeans at the Gap for $20 (originally 50-something, so good sale). and the jeans were in my smaller size, thanks to the Pilates and the breakup diet. so, some good news in the whole thing, I guess.

homemade beauty treatments

started looking for these because I have "Modern Girls' Guide to Life" (Style Network) on in the background, and they were talking about coffee firming skin up (anti-cellulite treatment) and I remembered seeing this somewhere. Follow up with cocoa butter or chocolate lotion, and you must smell like a mocha.

haven't done this one yet, just posting the recipe so I can find it again (I don't have a printer at home).

To make one's own coffee body scrub, blend a half a cup of used coffee grounds with half a cup of coarse salt (or raw sugar), a little vanilla and four tablespoons of olive oil until it becomes a paste.Apply the mixture over the skin and gently rub in a circular motion with hands or a loofah. Rinse well, pat skin dry and apply your favourite body lotion.


Ginger Skin Creme
Ginger invigorates, and oil soothes. Try this double dose for dry skin.

2-inch piece of fresh ginger
2 teaspoons light sesame oil
2 teaspoons apricot kernel oil
2 teaspoons vitamin E oil
½ cup cocoa butter

Preheat oven on lowest setting. Finely grate the ginger just enough so that you have about an 1/8 teaspoon of ginger "juice." To obtain the juice, squeeze the freshly grated ginger over a small bowl. Place the ingredients (including the ginger) in a glass container and heat just until the cocoa butter is melted and the oils are blended. Pour into a clean, dry container and store in a cool dry place. You can add a few drops of orange or other essential oil for a nice twist.


Yogurt-Honey Mask

1 T Yogurt
1 T Honey

To Make: Add the two ingredients together and apply to a clean, moist face.
To Use: Pat this mask onto the skin for a moisturizing, penetrating, hydrating, soothing application that will also help to clear up skin problems.

I actually used to a very simple version of this one when I was a teenager - I learned it doing a girl scout badge on fashion, fitness & makeup. But I did with only yogurt & lemon juice, about 1/2 a lemon (from our tree). I don't think my skin would tolerate now...

Yogurt-Citrus Masque
For normal or oily skin

1 cup plain yogurt (not low-fat)
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 teaspoon freshly-squeezed orange juice
1 teaspoon carrot juice

Mix well. Apply to face and leave on for 10 to 15 minutes; rinse with tepid water.

okay, I hope this is like my Cocoa Bath at The Spa at Hotel Hershey. I will have to go buy unsweetened cocoa powder and dry milk and try this... It was wonderful at Hershey, though they had a spa bath with jets... I will also leave the cinnamon out, as I've found it is just too drying to my sensitve skin. This should smell yummy!

Foaming Hot Chocolate Milk Bath

The ingredients in the Foaming Hot Chocolate Milk Bath are packed with skin softeners like lactic acid, found in powdered milk. Soak in this rich milk bath to soothe and soften your skin.

Heat 3 tablespoons of dry bath mix with 1/2 cup water and 2 tablespoons olive oil in a pan and bring to a boil. Add the hot mixture to bathwater while the tub is filling.

1 cup instant nonfat dry milk
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup baking soda
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 tablespoons cream of tartar
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon

Make the milk bath: Combine all ingredients in a jar, cover and store. Keeps for up to 6 months.


Banana-and-Honey Mask

1/2 mashed banana
1/4 cup oatmeal, cooked with milk
1 egg
1/2 tablespoon honey

Mix ingredients together. Massage onto face in a slow, circular motion and leave for 15 minutes. Rinse with tepid water. This mask is good for both sensitive and dry complexions: oatmeal is high in nourishing vitamins and minerals, and gently cleanses and heals skin; bananas contain vitamin A; eggs contain lecithin, a natural skin emollient; honey helps to maintain the skin's natural acid mantle.


oh, well, i think that's enough for now. If you try any of them, please let me know how they work. I'll do the same when I do them.

Used Books

lazy today, but will (hopefully) post something real later...

in the meantime, I wish the used bookstore I work at made this much $$.

Study: Used Books Are $2 Billion Industry
(Associated Press)

A landmark study released yesterday confirms what publishers, authors and booksellers have believed - and feared - since the rise of the Internet: Used books have become a modern powerhouse, driven by high prices for new works and by the convenience of finding any title, new or old, without leaving your home.

According to the Book Industry Study Group, used book sales topped $2.2 billion dollars in 2004, an 11% percent increase over 2003. Much of that growth can be credited to the Internet. While used sales at traditional stores rose a modest 4.6% percent, they jumped 33% percent online, to just over $600 million dollars.

More than 111 million used books were purchased last year, representing about one out of every 12 overall book purchases. By the end of the decade, the percentage is expected to rise to one out of 11, a troubling trend when sales for new works are essentially flat; authors and publishers receive no royalties from used buys.

Reality TV - Another sign that society is going downhill, fast.

(from a "prep service" that we use for the radio show)

REALITY TV CASTING CALLS
If you're a young person still in college, a college graduate, or a recent newlywed, you're qualified to be on Broke Folk, a show about improving your financial fitness. The casting office is looking for "more than just numbers," rather, they need "young Americans" who have "unique, extreme, and entertaining" financial situations. The show will be hosted by financial expert Peter Bielagus.
Email stories@brokefolk.com for more information.

Are you get married in the near future? Have your wedding video paid for by appearing on Bridezillas. (Of course, I must warn you, you might not be painted in a positive light!)
Email brides05@yahoo.com or call (214) 443-6150 for more information.


YOU TOO CAN BE A REALITY STAR
According to reality guru Matthew Robinson, author of How to Get On Reality Television, here are the top tips for fetching your fifteen minutes of fame:

1. Know your character: Are you the witch? The kind, caring teammate? The secret schemer? Display this in your video.

2. Be prepared: Know the audition process and follow the directions exactly.

3. Enthusiasm proves commitment: Let your enthusiasm shine through on your audition tape and don't allow yourself to have a "shy" moment.

4. Make sure your audition tape is great: Remember, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Besides, every Joe and his neighbor wants to be a reality star. You have a better chance of becoming an actual actor than getting on Survivor...

Stop the Insanity

the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.

Girls, do you agree?

from a prep service i use for work. please feel free to reply with your comments. I have to say, I agree with a lot of these.

5 Things We'd Rather Not Know About You (women to men)

I've heard women say, "I hope he doesn't ruin everything when he talks -- I hope he's not an idiot." There are just some things a woman doesn't want to know in order for her to remain attracted to you. It's more what men don't say that makes them hot, rather than what they say.

So here are five things we'd really rather not know, from Netscape.com.
1. The Dirty Details of Your Sexual History - Bragging about the Night of Seven Times, that initiation into the Mile High Club, that almost-a-threesome won't get you any closer to doing it again with us. Unless it's a really big issue that will affect us (like your health status), keep your mouth shut.
2. Where You Hide the Porn -- We know you have it. But not knowing where lets us pretend you stopped needing it when we arrived on the scene.
3. You Still Have Mementos from Your Ex - If she finds a picture of naked woman you once dated, let's say, she'll start worrying that she doesn't measure up, that you're still in love with your ex and that your entire relationship is endangered. It's not like we don't keep our old boyfriend's love letters. We just hide them better than you.
4. About Your Weird Fantasies - Some fantasies are great for sharing and enjoying together. But some are better kept secret. A good rule of thumb: if you think we'll freak out about something kinky in your past, we probably will.
5. About Your Solo Sex Life -- We know it happens, but we don't need the details on duration, frequency and the means by which you achieve your solo satisfaction.

And speaking of, there are some things we don't want to see, either...
We don't want to witness you...
...scratching your balls
...peeing in the sink or shower
...puking in the toilet - hold your liquor for the love of God -- there's nothing quite like seeing your big, strong man drunk and helpless.
...begging for forgiveness (you shouldn't have done whatever it is you're begging for forgiveness for!)
...cry over nothing.

Poll: What don't you want to know about your significant other? What would you rather not see?

Places I've Been, people I've seen...

I found this on my Aunt Victoria's blog...

bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.

I'm not counting the states I've only changed planes in (Detroit, MI; Minneapolis, MN; Atlanta, GA) or passed through on a train between New Jersey and New Hampshire (Connecticut & another East Coast state).

Saturday Night's All Right for...

So, I'm home of a Saturday, of my own choosing.
I had a nice day today - Pilates with Kiren, Starbucks afterward, and then the Clanjamfry Scottish Festival at Evergreen Presbyterian with Kiren and D. Tossed a wellie (boot) poorly, got some nice homemade shortbread, walked around the grass and looked at Vendor booths. All in all, a good time, mellow.

We decided to hang out a little more, and to go visit this specialty paper and printing store (D & Kiren are planning their wedding, so she needs ideas and vendors). On the way, my cel phone rang, and the display said it was him, calling from the house line. I let it go to voicemail, which he did not leave. I called him back after we were done shopping, and asked him what was up, and he asked me to dinner for tonight, as a date night. I told him I'd need to think about it, and would call him back... Again, it threw me for a loop... I ended up talking it out with D and Kiren, and realized that I'm not there... I can't just go back, even if he is making the effort. D said something which I tried desperately to memorize, but forgot... but it's something along the lines of you can't expect change if you are doing the same thing... and that's the truth of the matter. I want change, at least in myself (if not also in him and his behavior, but I don't need that). And I can't find that desired change if I'm putting myself back into the situations again.

So, I called him back, and told him that I wouldn't be able to go out tonight, as I still needed a little more space (I meant to say time), and he say okay, and hung up.

I'm told by our friends that he misses me, that he is lonely. I have a feeling that he does miss me, but he also needs to find other things, activities, people to fill his time. working from his home, not even going into an office, can't be good for getting his mind clear. I'm going to work every weekday, and I'm still new there, so I'm meeting people and am focused on work whilst I'm working. I also have my weekend used bookstore job, so I see other people and have things to focus on (shelving, helping customers), and books to read.

I'm conflicted, really... I want to be happy, I want him to be happy, but I don't think I can currently be happy with him.

So, tis a Saturday night with the TV and Kraft dinner. I'm living the life...

oh, before I forget: some good news came out of today's Pilates class. Traci, my instructor, told me that my belly is really looking good and scooped out on some of the exercises. It means that the classes are working. Heck, I struggle in every class, and I'm proud of myself after. I'm even checking my posture and sucking my stomach in when I'm working and sitting around at home.

Y'all, thanks for your friendship and comments and phone calls and emails. I'm absorbing the good thoughts, and keeping my focus on getting and being healthy. (cliche land, but the truth)

Billy Joel, Phone Calls & Flowers

Oh, gosh, so much today...

6:10 am at work, D plays Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire"; I feel slightly melancholy. I know every lyric (Billy Joel was my second concert, on the Storm Front tour). It was a favorite song long before him (B). It was also a torture song; in his car, he had 3 Billy Joel CD's loaded, and would throw on that song and blast it.

It had me feeling numbish. Also, D asked if he and still lived near each other, and was that weird. I said, not so much, as we haven't really seen each other since Sunday, and hey, at least we never moved in together.

I ended up staying at work until 1:30-ish, and was driving home down Poplar (debating whether and where to stop for food), when my phone rang from B. I let it go to voicemail, checked the message, ("give me a call when you get this"), and phone back, trying to be brusque when I spoke to him. He asked me where I was ("driving home from work"), if I could come by. I asked why, and he said to give me my stuff. I said his stuff was still at my house, and he said it was okay. I stopped and got gas along the way, and did a drive through car-wash. I even put on lipgloss, so he wouldn't try to kiss me or anything, and we couldn't get too close.

When I got there, I parked on the street (not in the drive) and walked up. He answered the door, and produced a bunch of flowers, and then pulled me into a hug. He told me he knows he's been an asshole, he's missed me like mad the past two days, and he realized he doesn't like not having me around. He says everything reminds him of me, and the house just isn't the same without me. He also said something about long-term, but it was vague-ish, and not enough.

Shocking myself, I actually said I wasn't willing to get back together yet. That I'd just started to relearn who I am, and get back in touch with myself and my wants and needs. He kept on hugging me, and holding my hands, and not letting go. He looked good, he had shaved, he smelled of his old Burberry cologne, and I had to keep reminding myself why I couldn't got back there. He tried to kiss me; I turned away.

We talked for a while, about what had happened with us in the past, and what I've been learning. What people have been telling me. Karin called it a "very surreal relationship. It was getting harder to describe every month, let alone live in". My brother Marc, who lives across the country and who I only talk to on the phone, told me I hadn't seemed happy in a while. Pretty much everyone told me I deserved better than I was getting... The weird part is, I was so involved in it that I didn't realize how odd and weird it had really become.

And it's that awareness I don't want to lose. The awareness of me, and who I am, and what I do or don't want from life. It's not necessarily that I do or don't want him, I just need to know who I am and what I want before I can make that decision.

I told him I wanted more than what we had been, that I no longer wanted to be a habit or something to fill time, for anyone. He said he didn't want to go back to there, and that, if I decided to get back with him, he'd try harder.

But it basically ended with "the ball in my court", that I can take all the time I need for now, and to be in touch when / if I'm ready to. I asked him, honestly, what did he expect would happen when he presented the flowers, and told me he loved me and missed me. Did he expect me to say, I love you, I miss you, I'll take you back, and we'd go off and make love? He said he hadn't really thought that far, but that he thought this was what I would want.

I took the flowers, most of my stuff from his house (boombox, hammer, slippers, rubbermaid containers, a CD that had been in his car; I realized when I got home that I forgot the bathroom stuff) hugged him and went home.

I'm still sort of ambivalent about the whole episode. I'm flattered and complimented about the flowers, as they are only the second ones he's ever given me in 2 1/2 years (and the only other time was my past birthday, my 30th). He actually remembered what roses I like best, and put some effort into it. He's also been thinking, and trying to figure himself and his feelings out, and has realized and admitted that he's not been the best a lot, and has put me through a lot in the past 2 years.

But, seriously, I'm also mad. Did he think he could buy me off with a bunch of flowers and some words of love.

I actually realized that if he showed up with a ring today, I would turn him down. And that's a pretty amazing realization, as that's something I've been aiming for. But a ring and a promise doesn't change the situation, which was him taking me for granted, and me letting him, and slowly sublimating myself and my personality along the way.

When B and I were talking, I told him something I've realized to be true. I want someone like our friend Wayne - he ADORES his wife. His face lights up when he talks about her, he brings her flowers for no reason ("just because") and will do almost anything to make her happy. I want someone who likes and loves me like that, and who finds my quirks endearing, not just annoying. I don't want someone to "put up with" my oddities; I want someone who likes me because I'm a little odd.

I'm proud of myself for standing my ground, and insisting on more time apart. Things don't get fixed in 2 or 3 days apart. Don't get me wrong; if you've been reading this, you know it hasn't been easy on me either. The hardest part, aside from always wanting to call him, has been bedtime. I don't have anyone to say goodnight to; I've had that the whole time I've lived here, it's something that helps me fall asleep. And watching TV by myself is lonely.

But I'm getting through it, and I hope that I'll come out the other end stronger, and with a stronger sense of self and goals and needs and wants.

Words of wisdom from my friends:
It takes a lot of courage to give up something that's comfortable and start all over again. (Jen)
you need and definitely deserve better than what you were getting. You have no idea how glad I am that you are not going to settle for less. (Nicole)
you deserve to be with someone who knows you are a great catch (Kiren)
You were too good for him; you need someone a little more vivacious and fun. You'll end up in a better place emotionally, it's just the journey that sucks. (Alyson, who also offered to buy me a man whore if we were in the same city)

Today's vices:
1 hershey's kiss, one mini reese's peanut butter cup (both from my Christmas ziploc, and both wrapped in green foil, as I need to keep the colors straight when eating candies)
1 ghiradelli mint chocolate square (also from the Christmas ziploc)
1 or 2 handfuls of candy corn / indian corn mix, brought over as depression candy by Karin
(I feel like I should be getting wasted or something, but that's just not me).

tomorrow is another day... and the flowers will hang out and remind me of today.

random stuff

hmm.. so, stories of today...
so, I told the guys I work for/with today that I am newly single, and all that... and D offered to allow the sports guy and Z to father my children - one each. Keep in the family, he said. Actually, he offered them up as he had been fixed. Or, he offered me his younger son.

I told my pilates instructor tonight that I am going through a break-up, and she was great about it. I think she tried to give me a hug after class, but I was stretching, and I didn't realize it. I think there are a lot of people who genuinely care about you when bad things happen.

Tonights vittles:
buttered tortilla, rolled
tortilla, slathered with peanut butter & jelly, rolled
2 glasses of water

I find my own company a bit boring right now. I have for a while, and filled that boredom with noise and him... and now I can't. I have myself only right now... and my tv and my computer.
I have insomnia, and I'm feeling numb. No real emotional reaction right now.
I wonder, is that weird or normal?

Breaking the habit

it's like I have to retrain myself on everything...
Sunday, Jen likened it to quitting smoking, and in some way it's true. I have to rethink the way I think... No more "we", no more "him and I", no more thinking about his likes or dislikes or clothing sizes when I shop... no more calling him on my way home from work, or when I see something on the TV that i know would amuse him.
it's a bit self-centered, but that's the truth of it....
heading off to better myself at my pilates equipment class - on THE REFORMER. sounds ominous, great for abs and legs.

Great Belongings Swap

I'm having a great debate inside myself... We haven't done the great belongings swap, just a miniature version on Sunday morning, when I gave him his housekeys back, and the photo album i've been working on from our Scranton-Hershey vacation.
I've boxed up the stereo he had leant me, and put in an e-bay book I needed to return.
and I know I will be getting my spare keys back, and my hammer, and my portable boombox, and some bathroom gear.
But, do I package up the bottle of woolite I borrowed, or the bottle of cascade he said I could have (since he doesn't have a dishwasher)???
and, am i forgetting anything? I don't know...

I have had a million little thoughts to do with the break-up today, and will post more as I think of them. Right now, though, I need my grilled cheese sandwich (1/2 healthy, on high fiber bread, and 1/2 not, with kraft singles) and my pre-pilates nap.

Vices so far today:
2 cups of instant nestle hot cocoa
1 can dr pepper
charity cookie (with mini peanut butter cup inside)
the cornbread breading from a mini-pronto pup (delivered by the nice folks from the mid-south fair)

notes to self on later post:
DZ's offers

single, again, and needing friendship now more than ever

the email that started this all:

I finally, and with much tears, had to "end it" with Bill. Even though we "broke up" over a month ago (on Friday august 12th), we have been hanging out, and talking on the phone, and been in contact nearly as much as we were when we were going out. (we weren't still sleeping together, or acting affectionate with each other, to answer that unasked question).

we've been on-and-off for nearly 2 1/2 years... We were at breakfast today, and it just all hit me...it's been weighing on me for a while, and it kills me, as he was my closest friend and confidante for over 2 years... but I can't get healthy, get over it or move on if we are talking... I just can't get my head clear, or get over my anger, and sadness at this ending, if we are still seeing each other without "seeing each other", and still relying on each other.

we were talking it out after breakfast, and were finally completely honest about it all. We stayed together because it was convenient, and it was easier to be together than not. I mean, I loved him, and wanted to be with him. But we want different things (I want marriage and kids and such sooner than later, and he doesn't know what he wants) and staying together, or even staying friends, doesn't help either of us. He does say that he likes me / loves me, but that trying to convince himself that he wanted to be with me long-term (the elusive "one") wasn't right. And it's not right... I don't want to be with someone who has to convince themselves about me...

He did say I'm easy to be with, not high-maintenance, and a great person, and that he knows I can find someone better for me than him. I said I hope he doesn't find anyone better than me, and that I hope no other woman gets to live in his house. (I believe my exact quote was "I don't want any other bitch to get my house!").

so, for the sake of my sanity and healing, I am in self-imposed bill exile - no phone calls, no coffee, no meals, no emails. I pray that you will help me with this, and be available for phone calls, emails, hanging out, and general support. also, if you know any nice young men (attractive would be nice too) who might like to spend time with a vivacious, self-assured, ready for commitment little redhead, please send them my way.

thank you for being my friend, and I will appreciate everything you can do to help me get through this all... jess

thank you for being a friend

My friend and former co-worker tonya told me today that knowing me somewhat inspired her to go back to college and finish her degree. She said knowing me let her know how much she didn't know. I didn't quite know whether to apologize for that.

I'm also posting this as a thank you to all of my friends and family who have come through for me in the past 2 days. I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement and wisdom in these recent days.

I will be posting to this forum as a bit of a "bridget jones diary" as the days pass. I think it will help me work through feelings and reactions and everything.

today's vices:
chocolate units: one brownie (bought from the bakesale for the NICU at LeBonheur Children's Medical Center, so the calories have been balanced out by the helping of the tiny babies)
decaf latte & tiramisu: bought as a pick-me-up by Tonya, after she encouraged me to shower and leave the house today.
nail-polish: 4 pack of OPI sample size of pinks, bought to complete the mandatory post-break-up pedicure (on Jen's helpful checklist of things to do to not focus on my misery). Have not used said nail-polish for pedicure yet.
free makeover at Origins: entire face of makeup done by nice new employee Debi. I did buy a discounted pack of greeting cards, so she at least made a sale off me tonight.

My eating habits are bit erratic, though I'm trying to pay attention.

Short-term goals:

• get my eyebrows professionally shaped (waxed) for the first time in my life. (it's got to be quicker and less painful than the one bikini wax I've had.)
• get all charity donation items out of my house.
• redefine personal and career goals.
• redefine list of desired things in a man / partner.

so, I think that's all for tonight. I need to get to sleep, as I am up at 4 am for work.

I'll keep you updated!

first post

I've decided to start a blog to journal what I'm going through. I haven't written in a long time, and thought it might be smart to start writing again.